For All - Not Just for Some

when i awakened this morning and went into the great room of our home, i looked at the beautiful christmas lights and decorations that surrounded me, and i thought of a relative of my wife's who finds no joy in christmas or any other time of the year.  i knew then that i wanted to write about my feelings toward her and how to change myself to see her differently.

this woman (i'll call her "j") is filled with bitterness and anger.  she finds it impossible to get along with anyone, including her husband and daughter.   j is suspicious of all who show her kindness, attributing their good intentions to a desire to take advantage of her in some way.  everywhere she has lived, she has made enemies of her neighbors.  my wife used to call j to try and keep up some sort of relationship with her, but every call turned into a disagreement, and j frequently ended the call abruptly and hung up.  finally my wife decided that trying to maintain the relationship was not worth the pain it caused.

just a couple of weeks ago, we discovered through another relative (j's sister"k") that j has moved with her husband, who is quite ill and over ninety years old, to the pacific northwest where j's daughter and grandchildren had moved.  k had called to check on j and asked j the name of the suburban town to which she was moving.  j claimed she couldn't recall the name of the town, much less her new address.  k had to contact j's daughter to find out the information and share it with the rest of the family.

my wife decided that she would not initiate any contact with j, but leave it to her to contact us, since it appears that j doesn't want other family members to know what is going on in her life.  my wife was deeply hurt that this relative would make such a move and fail to inform the family of her contact information.  

as i sit here, i think of how sad j's life must be.  she hates her husband, has a strained relationship with her daughter, and finds reasons to alienate her neighbors wherever she lives.  she believes that everyone is out to get her, that all who are kind to her are only trying to take advantage of her in some way.  i'm trying to open my heart to her and to imagine her as a small, mistreated child.  in the family, we know that her father was physically and emotionally abusive to her and her siblings and that her childhood was a misery.  we know that her first husband, though not physically abusive, was self-centered and controlling, offering her almost no emotional support.  as i think about that relationship, i try to imagine how awful life must have been for her, having gone from an abusive father to a husband that was little better.

i can't walk in her shoes, but i can try to picture her as a frightened child and unloved wife.  every male figure in her life injured her.  her present husband holds her captive by his illness, and she is now little more than his servant and care-giver.  she has been forced to give up the things she loves to do to care for him.  she had an outlet through the music program in her church, where she sang in the choir, played in the church orchestra, and had begun violin lessons.  his illness ended all that.  now she is more bitter and angry than ever.  i can do little to help her, but i can try to understand how she has come to be the person she is and have compassion for her.

may she see the harm she does herself and others.  may we see how easy it would be to become like her if we had experienced the pain she has suffered.  may we realize that there are many who are suffering just as j is and help them in any way we can.  may we love without condition and, at the same time, may we accept that we can't solve another's problems for them.  shalom.

We Struggle to Be Human and Search

the older i get, the less certain i am that i have the answers to many of life's most important questions.  when i was younger, i was convinced of who God is and of my place in the world.  i believed everything i had been taught about religion and its role in my life.  now, it seems more salient to question than to rely on beliefs i inherited from others.  my sense is that there is truth in many schools of thought and that there is more than one way to access the divine.

those who claim to have the answers repel me.  when someone says that God has spoken to them, i am suspicious.  such assertions suggest that, since someone has received a message from God, that person's beliefs must be beyond question.  if we doubt them, we're refusing "God's message" and messenger.  i am no longer convinced that God has a plan for every individual or group.  i don't belive in "divine missions."  i don't believe that this country or any country is favored by God.

as i watch what is happening in israel/palestine, i am reminded of the biblical story of the people of israel.  i think of their dramatic escape from slavery in egypt, their arduous journey to the "promised land."  i recall the mass murders they committed, supposedly on orders from God, as they conquered the inhabitants of what became israel.  that ancient battle, which likely is not entirely factual, continues in this small parcel of land, and my heart breaks for all the suffering that both israelis and palestinians continue to endure.  why must an enmity that dates back thousands of years continue?  why can't palestinians and jews live together peaceably in this land?  if the continued blood-letting is ordained by God, what sort of God must we worship!

we do great harm to ourselves and others in the name of religion and claim that God has given us the answers.  those who disagree must be wrong, since they are not accepting what we are convinced is what God has ordained.  we use religion as an excuse to force our own will on others, when in reality it is control over others that we seek.  claiming God's blessing on our oppression of others is a convenient excuse for our destructive behavior.

may we be persistent in questioning the teachings that have been passed down to us.  may we never accept something as truth without investigation.  may we admit our own folly rather than using religion as a cover for our failings.  may we be tolerant of the viewpoints of others, realizing that no one has a monopoly on truth.  may love be more important than control.  shalom.

A Time to Be Born, A Time to Die

each time i write a blog post i end it with the english rendering, "shalom," of a hebrew word.  this word has so many meanings and encompasses much of what we humans work toward and need.  shalom is that which we seek and only find when we realize that we cannot control anything beyond ourselves.  shalom is peace.  shalom is unity.  shalom is wholeness.  shalom is oneness with the universe.  shalom is the interconnectedness of everything that is.  shalom is hello.  shalom is goodbye.  shalom is wellness.

how do we find the wholeness, the unity, the "oneness," the health that is included in these six letters?  this is the quest on which many of us find ourselves.  perhaps shalom comes when we let go of the self that clings and craves.  this monumental task may take a lifetime.  as i look around me, i see a room filled with beautiful things collected over many years.  i ask myself how important are these things to me.  they represent so much of my history, and it will be difficult to let them go when the time comes.  

our lives are filled with the desire to cling to the things we hold dear.  we don't want to think of the time when those we love will be gone, or when we ourselves will end this present life, or when we must surrender much of what we have accumulated because we can no longer care for it.  but these things are not who or what we are.  they are a part of us and we are one with them, just as the memories that they evoke are a part of us.

the same is true of what we call the "self."  it is not who or what we are.  shalom means sensing that all-that-is is part of the wholeness of being.  everything is connected, and each of the parts of "everything" is necessary to the whole without being that whole itself.  i am my own mother, my father, my sister, my brother, my friend, just as each person we meet and each person we hold dear is all of those things.  we are one, and yet "i" am not one, but a part of "one."

to achieve shalom, i must learn to be at one with all that is.  the more i realize that the whole is more than the sum of its parts, the more i live in shalom, in wholeness.  so this day i wish "shalom" to each one of us who is a part of the whole.  may we each see how we are connected.  may we sense the vibrations of the seeming inanimate objects that we encounter as part of the connection that unifies the whole.  may we see that our memories are shared memories of all that is, all that has gone before, and all that will be.  may we accept the continuity of life that flows from the past and into the future and know that we are a part of that continuum.  shalom.

That Made Us Mellow

this week's post has been unusually difficult for me, so I'm taking a little extra time before i post it.  in the meantime, may i wish each of you shalom. may you be filled with lovingkindness, compassion, health, and peace.