At the End of the Storm

as i write this morning, i find that my thoughts are filled with jabberings in my mind about the situation in which we find ourselves.  i would like to be thinking about and writing about something else, but i cannot.  my wife and i, like so many others, are filled with anxiety about covid-19.  we hope our leaders at every level of government have the wisdom to listen to the medical professionals and scientists who know best how to deal with this virus, that all of them, from the president on down, will have the patience to see this through to the best possible end.  we hope that caring for people will take precedence over numbers on the stock exchanges.  we hope that the shortages of medical equipment will be addressed as quickly and humanely as they can be.  we hope that our health system, fragile as it is, will not be overwhelmed to the point of collapse and that health care providers will not be overcome with infections by the virus.

right now, all most of us can do is hope.  many of us have little confidence in the leadership of the current administration and that is the cause of much of our anxiety.  from the laggardly pace at the beginning of the epidemic to the present resistance to accept fact over instinct, we see ineptness in washington.  as the senate fights over whether ordinary people or business is more important in the struggle about economic relief, those who wonder what will happen when they can't pay their rent or make their mortgage payment are filled with worry.  instead of patching holes in the social safety net and relieving our people's fear that their lives will come crashing down around them because they are unemployed as a result of the fight against covid-19, we see a government that can't agree on how to help the people they were elected to serve.

i can think of only one way to deal with the anxiety that i feel.  wishing it weren't there is no help.  finding ways to distract myself only brings partial short-term relief.  i have to acknowledge my angst and look at how it affects me.  how does my body feel in the midst of my anxiousness?  what are the thoughts that run through my mind that contribute to this feeling of unease?  what are its root causes?  is there hope that the chaos will end?  these are some of the questions whose answers will help me.  there is reason to be anxious and false hope is no panacea.  life must go on, in the midst of all this, and we must figure out how to best live it without endangering ourselves and others.  if that means staying home and minimizing contact with others, that's what we must do.  if the economy goes to pot as we fight this pandemic, that's what must happen.  we have to find the courage to stick it out and deal with it in the most intelligent way we can in order to see light at the end of the tunnel.

may we not give up.  may we face our fears honestly, admitting them and recognizing how to deal with them rather than masking them.  may we give comfort to one another.  may we honor those on the front lines of the fight.  may we continue to love and have compassion for each other.  may we be filled with an underlying sense of peace in the face of fear and confusion.  shalom.

And We, Though Many, Throughout the Earth

i had planned to write about an entirely different topic this week, but the situation in which the world finds itself right now occupies my mind more than anything else.  i think of so many things arising from the covid-19 pandemic.  i think of the suffering of those who have died from the virus and of their families.  i think of the fear in many of our hearts from possible infection with the virus.  i think of the strain that this has put on our health care workers.  i think of the incompetence and the unpreparedness of our government to deal with this crisis.  i think of the effects this has had on our economy.  i think of all those who have been deprived of their livelihoods because they are unable to work, some because their employers are unable to keep their businesses open, others because they themselves are ill, others because they must stay home from work because of the infection of a loved one, still others because they must be home to care for their children whose schools have been forced to close.  i think of the isolation of those of us who are older and need to avoid being out and about.  i think of the thousands who were jammed into airports as they returned to the country from abroad because of the failure of the government to think through its hasty travel ban.  i think of those who are imprisoned in crowded conditions where the virus can spread rapidly, or those who are being held as illegal migrants under the same conditions.

a blog could be written about each of those circumstances.  at a time when the populace needed a clear plan for dealing with the situation and government actions that inspire confidence, we have been given confused and confusing pronouncements, decisions by presidential whim, and wild conspiracy theories.  it's no wonder that financial markets are in turmoil and that we are all fearful.  we have an executive branch where science is held in suspicion and in which many of the most competent health care experts have either been dismissed or have fled a government which ignored their advice.  its infuriating that the most able health care leader in the government has had to go to the public with correct information that contradicts what the president is telling us.

the most able leadership seems to be coming at the state level, as governors from both sides of the political spectrum have taken actions to lessen the spread of covid-19, closing schools, sports events, and public venues,  it is from our statehouses that have come the greatest reassurances to the public, even as the president attacks the governor of washington state where the virus first infected large numbers of people.  in our small state, our republican governor has acted quickly and wisely to inform the public, relying on and praising the state's health care leadership.  schools have been closed, and the state government has moved quickly to compile information on the number of those infected and to reach out to various parts of the state to see how widespread the infections are.

there is so much suffering, and it is deeply troubling that the wealthiest nation on earth is so unprepared to alleviate the suffering.  instead of devoting our resources to make tests for the virus readily available, president trump and his administration are blaming a "foreign virus" and those who live in other countries for our situation.  instead of encouraging actions that would lessen the disease's spread, we are being told that this will soon pass, and some are even encouraging our population to go out to eat and drink to support the entertainment industry, even as some states are forcing restaurants and bars to close.  the president continues to shake hands and come in close physical contact with others instead of setting an example by exhibiting recommended safety precautions.

all we can do in the face of this ignorance and incompetence is listen to those who know best and following their advice.  perhaps the best way we can alleviate some of the suffering caused by this pandemic is to keep ourselves healthy insofar as we can and to encourage others to take the necessary precautions.  in the next election, one hopes that we will have the wisdom to elect leaders who believe in science and who put the welfare of everyone ahead of their own personal gain.

may we each do what is best in the face of this terrible situation.  may we remember that the entire world is suffering and fearful.  may we see our common humanity, realizing that this disease affects rich and poor, people of every color and religion, young and old, male and female, recognizing no boundaries.  may we learn from this catastrophe, so that we are better able to deal with the next one.  shalom.

And Save Each One's Pride

my wife and i are members of a christian denomination that grew out of the belief that christianity ought to be an inclusive religion, one that rejected adherence to any creeds and allowed freedom of thought among its followers.  this church, which had its beginnings in early 19th-century america, only required that those who wished to be a part of it declare their desire to follow the teachings of jesus.  no one was excluded from membership or communion because of their beliefs, no matter how far those beliefs were from those of the majority of christians.  it is this inclusivity that attracted us to the church, and, it seems to me, that, if one is a follower of jesus, one has to believe in inclusion rather than exclusion.  lately, in our particular congregation, several families have left the church because a gay person was ordained as a church officer, but the larger body of members has remained faithful, true to the church's inclusive ideals.

i've been thinking about those ideals as they relate to the ministry of jesus.  time and again we see jesus including those who were outcasts in his movement, considering all worthy to be part of the "kingdom of God."  he ate with, healed, and touched those who were considered unclean, he defended "sabbath breakers," he honored women within his inner group of followers, he carried his message to both jews and non-jews, he declared that all those who practiced compassion and cared for those in need were part of the kingdom even if they were "not of his fold."  to exclude those who differ from us is a perversion of the gospel that jesus taught.  as jesus said, we are all in need of the love of God which manifests itself in love for one another; it is not the well who need healing but the sick, and all of us need the healing that love brings.

any church which claims to be a "christian" church but excludes others because of their sexual orientation, their political leanings, or for any other reason is anything but christian.  jesus taught us that it is the person who does the will of God, that is to love and serve one another, is his true follower, regardless of whether we pay lip service to christianity or not.  if we really believe what jesus taught, there are many non-christians who are more christian than many of those who claim to be christians.

may we all be followers of jesus in the truest sense, with hearts full of compassion and lovingkindness.  may love be our deepest belief as we reject the narrow labels which divide us.  may we feed, clothe, and shelter jesus by doing those things for those who are hungry, naked, and homeless.  shalom.

The Greatest Love the World Has Known

some time ago, when i began writing this blog, i intended it to be a journal of my experiences as i walked a new path, one that i started when i began to explore mindfulness meditation.  i don't know how well i've done in chronicling my progress, but today i thought i'd explore how my effort to live more mindfully has changed my life.  at the time i began practicing meditation, i was at a point in my life when i was transitioning from work to retirement.  my life was not as busy, and i had a great longing to leave the noise and confusion of the world behind and find a peace that i hadn't had time to even think about, much less search for, when i went to work every day at a job that often called for working long hours seven days a week.  my work was rewarding and had enabled me to have a healthy income in retirement, but i was ready to lay aside its burdens and have more time to explore my inner life.  i longed for quiet, for space to be alone and discover who i am.

i knew that i was not my job. there was no emptiness once i gave up my role as a teacher. yet, i wasn't certain who i was. i had always believed i was the person of my thoughts, that the stories my mind told me about myself was my true identity.  when i began meditation, i realized that the real me was not the person my mind had created.  if i could stand outside my mind, so to speak, and observe my own thought process, there was a "me" that was separate from my thoughts.  somewhere deep in the recesses of my brain was a person who had remained hidden all those years while i listened to my mind telling me who i was.

for me, meditation has been a process of letting go of my conscious mind and allowing a deeper sense of my personhood to emerge.  as that happened, my attitudes and beliefs softened.  i saw that many of my thoughts and actions in the past had been less than helpful to others, even cruel.  so at first, and still from time to time, my meditation brings me pain for the ways i thought and acted in the past. somehow, though, that pain hasn't led to depression and guilt, but rather to a sense of new beginning.  the realization that i can't undo the past has helped me see how to learn from it.  for the most part, while i can't make amends for the harm i've done to others, i can make the effort not to repeat those past mistakes.

i've largely abandoned the religion i practiced for so many years as i've come to see that it is based on a system that fills those who practice it with guilt and a sense that life is a series of rewards and punishments that they hope will ultimately lead to a better life in a heaven filled with angel wings, harps, and golden streets.  i have my meditation practice to thank for leaving that unrewarding and damaging religion behind.  though i still call myself a christian, i'm a very different christian from the calvinist i was brought up to be.  the God i worship is a very different God from that of many christians.  my object of worship doesn't sit on a throne in the great beyond with a book of judgement in hand recording who's naughty and who's nice for some future day of reckoning, nor is the God of my worship one who took on human form so he could be sacrificed on a cross to wipe out my sins or those of others.  God is not my individual god who has "a plan" for me and caused me to exist to carry out that plan.  i don't need to be "saved" to escape eternal damnation because adam and eve took a bite of the forbidden fruit.  rather, God calls me and every person to take part in the great feast of love that God is and that is within all of us.  meditation has led me to this realization and so has transformed, and continues to transform, my life.

i used to keep a little account book in my mind filled with criticisms of others, especially my wife. in my narrow-mindedness, i saw myself a superior to her and constantly watched for her actions that i believed proved it.  after i had practiced meditation for awhile, i saw how wrong i was.  i realized that i was married to a wonderfully talented woman, a brilliant person who had overcome so many adversities to become a successful, capable, loving and lovable person.  when i found myself becoming irritated because she didn't conform to what i wanted her to be, i pictured her as the hurting child she was when she was growing up, and all i wanted to do was embrace her and reassure her that those hurts were in the past.  my mind's little account book is gone, and every day i rejoice that i can share my life with this amazing woman.

i'm not as anxious about the future as i used to be.  i can enjoy the present in the knowledge that everything will be all right.  i'm able to accept people as they are, not feeling the need to change them so that they become what i want them to be.  i'm comfortable in the realization that there is more of life behind me than ahead of me, but in what time there is left, i intend to live joyfully, to experience as much of life's sweetness as i can.  i'm not bound by a sense of duty that arises from the fear of doing the wrong thing, of breaking the rules and causing harm to my "immortal soul."  i can act from a sense of love towards others, not because i wish to avoid sinning and the guilt that is the result of that sin.  meditation and mindfulness has freed me from the narrow confines of tit-for-tat religion.  my heart and mind are more open, more accepting, more filled with love so that there is no room for hate, revenge, or recriminations.

meditation and the mindfulness that flows from it continues to transform me.  i look forward to the person that i will become as i continue my practice.  may we each find the source of happiness in our lives.  may we realize that happiness is our ultimate goal and can be our current state of being.  may we see that true happiness doesn't come from holding onto and wanting things but from accepting and seeing the wonders that surround us each moment.  may we let go of our hates, our desires, our grasping, and embrace the here and now, filling our hearts with love and compassion.  shalom.

Thy Sovereign Word of Peace

there is so much to write and think about right now.  there is the ongoing debate about russian meddling in this year's election, the divided democratic party and the primary contests between the representatives of the factions within the party, the policies of the current administration, the harm that an arrogant and untruthful president is doing to our nation.  i'm not going to write about any of that today, though.  instead i want to write about misgivings i'm having with an activity that my wife and i have begun.

at our church, we've met several couples who are around our age and, after repeated invitations from several of them, have begun attending a sunday school class that meets after church.  we've both resisted participating in sunday school for a number of reasons, the most important of which is the experiences both of us had as children and teenagers growing up in the church, when well-intended teachers with little training fed us the "party line" of our churches' official position on theology.  now as adults we reject much of what we were taught in those sunday morning classes and don't want to participate in the grown-up version of our childhood indoctrination sessions.

one of the things that we've discovered in the few classes we've attended is that there is a wide variety of viewpoints in this class and the participants seem to feel that they can speak freely in voicing their opinions.  we are studying the old testament and its influence on the teachings of jesus, and we're not far enough into the study for me to get a sense of what the author's position on the origins of the books of the old testament are and his position on the idea of biblical inerrancy.  the study's unfailing preference for referring to god with masculine pronouns suggests that the author has a conservative theological perspective, but perhaps that is a stylistic choice that will be explained as we go along.

i don't know if my own beliefs about the old testament will be radical or widely held among the others in the class, never having had conversations of any length with any of them before.  i find that the tendency among most christians, even those in our liberal-leaning church, is to accept basic orthodox positions without much thought about its implications.  there have been several mentions about the off-putting effect of the violence in much of the old testament but so far no explanations of what are the implications of this propensity for mass killing with regards to our understanding of the nature of god or the teachings of jesus.

too, there has been no opinion offered about the literal truth of what we read in the old testament or if the author believes that the first books of the old testament were actually written by moses.  so far, there have been no words about the many writings about the old testament that are part of the jewish religious tradition or of the apocryphal books.  it was telling to me that the beginning of the study grouped the books of the jewish bible into the categories of history, poetry, prophecy, and wisdom literature, but there was no mention of the song of solomon and its place in these categories, though all the other books in the "wisdom" and "poetry" categories were mentioned.  i look forward to learning the author's position on what solomon's song means and how he thinks we should approach it.

as the study progresses, i look forward to hearing  not only the author's opinions but those of the other members of the class.  i'll mostly listen and refrain from offering my own opinions until i see in what direction the study and comments on it moves.  from what i've seen so far, i'm not fearful of recriminations if my own point of view deviates from the orthodox, but i don't want to offend anyone's religious sensibilities if i can help it and still be true to myself.  if i find i can't speak honestly then i'll withdraw from the class, but i don't think that will be necessary.  the members of the class are people that i feel an affinity for.  they have been sincere in welcoming us, assuring us that they have fun together in their studies.  that appears to be the case in what we've seen so far.

may we approach others looking for the best in them.  may we not be wary of forming new friendships or rekindling old ones.  may we be tolerant of the beliefs of others, never condemning them because we don't agree with them.  may we speak our own minds with truthfulness and gentleness.  may we love without condition, even if the object of our love is unlovely.  shalom.

Thy Compassions, They Fail Not

last fall, a meditation group was started at our church, so i joined it.  i've never been part of a group that meditates together before and didn't know quite what to expect.  one of the things i discovered is that the experience of meditation in a group is somewhat difference from that of sitting alone.  each of us came to the group for different reasons, are from disparate backgrounds, and have had varying levels of meditation experience, so the leader has had to find guided meditations that speak to the wide range of personalities and needs within the group and has had to teach the essentials of meditation in a way that does not bore or insult the more experienced practitioners among us.

when we returned to sitting together after a break during the christmas season, the leader of our group asked each of us to consider leading the group at least once during the course of this season of meetings.  since i have a longer experience with meditation that most of the others, i volunteered to lead this week.  as i went through various guided meditations that have been helpful to me, i wondered which might be most helpful to the group.  i finally decided on "mountain meditation" by andy hobson because i thought it would be beneficial to both experienced and inexperienced meditators as it touches on some of the issues that brought the members to the group together.

i have approached this new role within the group with some misgivings.  i don't want to have the responsibility of leading, and i fear i will be inadequate to the task.  yet, the person who has done a great job leading the group deserves to have that duty lifted from her from time to time.  she is a busy working mother who has little time to prepare for each meeting.  if some of the rest of us will take on the job of leading occasionally, then she can come to the meeting and participate without having to take time from her hectic life to plan what she will bring to us.  it is for her that i've offered to do this, not because i think i have any special insights to offer that she cannot.

as i think about my fears and my reasons for taking on this task, i think, too, of how often we can relieve the burdens of another, not because we can do what they do better, but because they need a chance to relax and recharge.  no one can shoulder their responsibilities constantly without help from others, but so often we expect them to do so.  i think of my mother and father who seldom got away from their daily work and the job of caring for me and my brother and sister.  they never went away together, just the two of them.  they never took a day off work just to stay home and do nothing.  we children expected them to support and care for us.  we never thanked them for their sacrifices, and they did it every day, never uttering any complaint in our presence.  i think of the many others who work without our gratitude doing jobs that help us, and i wonder if they ever have the chance to put aside their burdens and recover.  there is so much we can do to show our thanks and to relieve those who carry heavy loads for our sakes.   just as i am fearful as i approach leading our group, we often fail to show compassion for others, not because we lack compassion, but because we are afraid that we are inadequate to the task.

may we summon the courage to demonstrate our compassion for others in concrete ways that make their lives easier.  may our compassion be greater than our insecurities.  may we remember the examples of all those who have labored for our sake and do the same for others.  may we never say, "i would help but i'm not good enough."  shalom.

Bind All Our Lives Together

the impeachment proceedings are over for all intents and purposes, the foregone conclusion, a formality.  of my acquaintances, those who followed the trial most closely with eyes glued to fox news for its non-stop coverage are ardent admirers of donald trump.  i've watched the nbc evening news each day and read a few articles online as the senate went through the motions, but i couldn't watch the live newsfeed.  i'm not sure what was accomplished by this exercise in futility.  trump's actions needed to be exposed as much as possible, and his perfidy had to be called to account.  in that sense, i believe impeaching him was necessary.  too, the slavish loyalty of elected republican representatives and senators was revealed for what it is:  a willingness to absolve trump of any wrongdoing, no matter how damaging to our democracy and no matter how solid the evidence against him.  this devotion to the bully in the white house will come back to haunt many of them in the next election.

the great danger of trump's acquittal is that he has been given carte blanche to do as he will in the future.  he will use the senate's failure to convict him as exoneration of his violation of the law and abuse of his power to proclaim his innocence to the nation and will gloat over this victory as he does further harm to our constitution and uses his now all-but-unlimited power to do whatever he pleases.  the political divisions in the country are so hardened that those who are loyal to trump cannot be convinced that he is a grave menace to all that the country is supposed to stand for, and those who are opposed to him can see no good in those who are his supporters.  gridlock in washington is the result of our inability to find common ground, and nothing will be accomplished as our people become more and more disgusted with the impotence of our elected officials.  while the legislative branch argues, trump has a free hand to impose his will on the country.  the increasing conservative bent of the judicial system will allow this to happen as it becomes more subservient to the executive branch.  unless the electorate takes action in this year's election, we are witnessing the effective end of our grand experiment.

as i write this, i look inside me for the glimmer of love that i so often write about.  it is so difficult to love trump and his minions.  yet, my beliefs teach me that there is the divine in them, as well.  it is my responsibility to find a way to see the possibility of love in these who are my enemies.  they are, after all, human beings.  they surely think that their actions are the right ones for the country and, despite their willingness to use means that are at best abuses of their powers, they want what they are convinced is good for themselves and those whom they love.  in that sense, they are like me.  i struggle to find a way to oppose them without hating them, to love them in spite of their unloveliness.

may we look for the humanity in every person.  may we love no matter what.  may we never give up our hope for compassion, justice, and mercy to prevail over the long term.  may we oppose wrong without hating the wrongdoer.  shalom.