Candles in the Window, Carols at the Spinet

i began writing a post last week but in the busy-ness of christmas, i never completed it.  so today, i'll try again.  i'm reflecting back on our christmas with our children.  they came to spend the weekend before christmas with us, and that's when we had our family celebration.  we had a great time opening our gifts to one another, playing games, visiting, and eating delicious food.  they had to leave on the monday before christmas to get back to jobs and other family get-togethers, and our house became a little quieter.  i have to admit that it was nice to have our home to ourselves, although we hated to see the children leave.

after they left, it became apparent how different the christmases of our youth had been for my wife and me.  i remember the holidays of my childhood as wondrous times, with delicious aromas coming from the kitchen as my mother prepared special dishes all through the season.  there were parties at school and at church.  since my birthday is a little more than a week before christmas day, my annual birthday party and gifts were part of the season, too.  on december 25 we always went to one of my grandparent's homes, usually that of my maternal grandparent's.  my mother's mother prepared a sumptuous feast with pork roast, turkey, chicken and dressing, vegetables, iced tea, and rich desserts accompanied by the most wonderful coffee, which we all drank, from the youngest to the oldest.  my many cousins would all be there, and we played with our gifts.  it was a noisy, fun-filled day.  at the end of it, we cousins often spent the night with our grandparents and continued the fun the next day.  it was fun, too, when we went to the home of my father's parents, but they were more staid, and the cousins on that side of the family were not as rambunctious.  the whole month of december was the happiest time of the year, and i carry those memories into every holiday season in my adult life.  i anticipate that special time of the year all year long, and i can never get enough christmas.

my wife, on the other hand, doesn't remember her childhood christmases as being that special.  her father believed that idle hands were the devil's workshop and made certain that his four daughters always had plenty of work to do.  while they exchanged family gifts on christmas, and santa brought a few presents, there were no extended family gatherings and no feasts.  because her mother had to work to help support the family, there were no special dishes prepared and, because their income was meager, there were few gifts under the tree.  for her father, christmas was observed grudgingly, as a few hours of leisure that interrupted the work he felt all the family must be engaged in to keep evil from creeping into their lives.  for him, anything that brought joy just be viewed with some suspicion, lest the devil get a foothold in the minds of him and his family.

as a result, once the gifts are exchanged in our home, for my wife christmas is over.  it's time to take down the decorations and for life to get back to normal.  this is always painful for me, because i want christmas to go on and on.  i want to delay the packing up and clearing away until sometime in the first week of the new year.  this difference always brings tension in our lives, even after fifty-one christmases together.  as i've gotten to know my wife better, i've come to understand how her background affects the way she thinks of christmas, and, for her, it is a bittersweet time, since her childhood memories are not all good ones.  the first day after our family christmas is always hard for me, and i feel great sadness and anxiety as she begins to remove the christmas decor from around the house.  i usually have to leave that to her on that first day of "undecorating" and make myself scarce.  by the second day, i'm ready to help, though somewhat grudginly, as i remind myself of why she feels the need to get christmas over with.  i've talked with one of her sister's husbands about this, and there is the same division in their household about his wife's compulsion to put everything away immediately.  he and their children are always a bit angry about her hurry to be done with christmas, but they, too, have come to understand why she feels as she does.

we carry our childhoods with us into our adult lives.  learning to understand how the childhood of a spouse affects their adult attitudes and actions is an important part of marriage.  my wife loves to hear me tell of the happy family times i had as a child in our large, close-knit family, but the contrast with her own childhood causes a tinge of sadness as well.  we've worked hard to understand one another and to give our children the happiest upbringing we could.  i think we've largely succeeded in both efforts.  christmas is one of those times when our differences growing out of our early years is a source of conflict and a time to work harder at having empathy for one another.  so now that everything is put away, our house is cleaned top to bottom, and normalcy has returned, i have to say i'm glad another christmas has come and gone.  it was great fun while it lasted, and i can look forward to the next christmas, eagerly anticipating all the fun it will bring.

may we learn from one another.  may we be patient with one another.  may we not be stubborn in insisting that our own way is the best way.  most of all, may love, compassion, and kindness take precedence over all other emotions and ways of being.  shalom.

All Loves Excelling

during the past several days, i've been beginning each part of my morning meditation with the words, "o divine love."  after each formal affirmation, each "may i," i continue to think those words through the remainder of my meditation time.  as i've done that, i've begun noticing a change in my thought patterns and in the way i consider God.  there's been a perceptible softening of my attitudes towards myself and others.  i've begun to see that thinking of God as "divine love" takes me beyond the god of the bible, the god of the church, and seeing God as the encapsulation of love that cannot be bound by our narrow conceptions, a love that is unconditional, boundless, incapable of doing harm, infinitely good.  such a God is far greater than the small god that wreaks havoc on those who fail to worship correctly, the god of vengeance that much of the bible describes, the god who choose one particular tribe of people over all the others in the world.

as i examine the life of jesus, i am inclined to believe that this was what he intended: to change our conception of God, indeed to introduce us to a God that is so different from the traditional understanding as to be another God altogether.  in referring to God as "father," jesus conveys an idea of God as a loving protector, not a god to be feared, not a god who will punish every violation of every petty rule.  i fear that we've substituted just this type of god for the God of jesus as we've made christianity a religion of rules and rituals just as the religious of jesus' day had done.  the God of jesus transcends the narrow bounds of judaism and christianity.  Divine Love is a God who is beyond religion, the summation of the deepest meanings of compassion and lovingkindness.

in worshiping the God who is Divine Love we invite that love into our own hearts.  we have the capacity for infinite forgiveness and kindness towards others.  we see that love can inhabit of every human heart, and we need not fear others because of superficial differences.  by opening our hearts to unselfish, compassionate love, we participate in the divine, and the divine becomes a part of us and we a part of the divine.

may we embrace this sort of love during this season of love, carrying it into all the rest of our days.  may we abandon antipathy towards other religions and distrust of those who embrace other faiths or no faith at all.  may we all be one in love.  shalom.

We Need A Little Christmas

the christmas season is upon us.  as i look around in our house, there are santas, angels, snow people, fairy houses, lighted trees, snow globes, gaily wrapped packages, crèches, and sleighs everywhere.  outside the house, in front and back, there are wreaths, garlands, trees, and santas, all lit in the darkness of night.  we watch our favorite christmas movies, some sappy and filled with clichés, others moving, but all fun to watch nevertheless.  it is a magical time of year.

the wonderful fictions that have come together to create our american christmas are largely the inventions of charles dickens, clement moore, st. matthew, and st. luke.   as with everything else "american," our christmas is a blend of traditions from many places.  without the dutch settlers of new york we might have a very different santa claus or none at all,  without our german forbears we might not see christmas trees everywhere, and in many different regions of the country we experience the contributions of hispanic culture, african culture, and other ethnic cultures.  if it had been left to the puritans, those "pilgrims" that are recalled each thanksgiving, we might not be celebrating christmas at all.

sometimes i think we go too far in our political correctness in excluding religious traditions when we try to be inclusive in our christmas observances and decor, but i worry, too, that many are pushed aside by the insistence that christmas is strictly a christian holiday.  i tire of hearing that "jesus is the reason for the season," when for many jesus is not the reason at all.  mr. trump and his ilk are insistent that we must wish everyone a "merry christmas," since extending a "happy holidays" greeting would "de-christianize" christmas.  maybe in their minds, only christians should have a christmas.

what is it about christmas that transcends religion?  peace on earth and good will to all are certainly things that should hoped for, and christmas reminds us how important those hopes are.  generosity and providing for those in need are other traits of the season that remind us that we should keep christmas in our hearts all year round, as mr. dickens suggested through the words of ebenezer scrooge.  spreading light throughout a darkened world, refusing to keep our lamp hidden under a bushel, is another of the important messages of christmas.  these are ideals that are not the exclusive property of christianity but ones that are shared by all religions and by those who endorse no religion.  if we are truly generous, we won't celebrate christmas only as a christian holiday but as a universal holiday that reminds us of all that is good about humanity.

may we see in christmas an opportunity to renew our belief in the goodness of each person.  may we fill our lives with peace and good will.  may we carry the message of christmas into every day of the year.  may all that is good be the real reason for the season.  shalom.

Love One Another Right Now

we spent the week of thanksgiving visiting relatives some distance away.  one of those we visited had experienced deep suffering in her childhood and in her first marriage, leaving her bitter and difficult to get along with.  each time we leave her home after a visit, we feel like never coming back, but we always do because of our familial relationship with her and our desire not to cause her further anguish.

in thinking of her bitterness and deep-seated mental trauma, i was reminded of how much we cause suffering for ourselves by our refusal to let go of the past.  certainly the past is always with us, it is a part of who we are, but, by recalling past hurts and failing to deal with the causes of those hurts, we allow them to injure us over and over.  the question is how to resolve the causes of our pains so that we do not continue to experience them repeatedly.  holding onto our anger at those who injured us and revisiting every incident when another harmed us prevents us from ever letting go of our suffering.

in the case of our relative, it may be that our visits are difficult for her, because our presence reminds her of the past.  our relative has never forgiven either the man who caused the physical injuries or the woman who failed to prevent them.  being able to put the past behind us can only happen when we are able to forgive.  we can only forgive when we understand the reasons another harmed us, when we see the causes of the suffering in them that caused them to want us to suffer.  unless we can understand and forgive, we perpetuate our own suffering and inflict it on others.  it is our responsibility not only to ourselves, but to others, to end the cycle of abuse that can so easily go from one generation to the next.

may we seek to understand so that we can forgive.  may we learn the power of forgiveness to end our continual pain.  may we not injure ourselves over and over.  may we not cling to the hurts of the past as we try to love without condition..  shalom.

It's the Hope of Hopes

during the past week, i've seen a couple of things on tv that struck me as ridiculous.  the first was a news report in which some people survived when a delivery truck careened over an ice-covered highway and overturned near where they had pulled off the road.  as the truck skidded toward them, they took cover in a ditch in exactly the place where the truck finally came to rest on its side.  these lucky people were left largely unharmed because of the way the truck came to rest, trapping them in the ditch without the truck descending into the ditch.  in an interview a few days later, one of those who lived to tell the tale said that in this event god had been watching out for them.

earlier that week we had watched a movie about a toy shop owner who had been forced out of business by the ruthless owner of a larger toy store that had opened across the street.  the owner of the larger store gloated over his business prowess that had caused the demise of the smaller store.  the out-of-business shop owner told his wife, who was expecting their first child, that god would provide for him.  he stayed at home for months, presumably supporting the family with savings they had put aside, unable to find work until he had an inspiration for a new children's board game that he was able to bring to market with the help of a large manufacturer.  soon he was able to reopen his store, as the larger store was failing due to people discovering the true nature of its owner and refusing to shop there any longer.  as the christian store owner watched his rival suffer, he decided to make him a gift of three hundred thousand dollars to keep his business afloat.  the man's generosity caused the unscrupulous businessman to do an about face, convert to christianity, and become business partners with his benefactor.

as i thought about these two things, one a true-life report of what could have been a disaster for its victims, the other a fictional story with an unbelievable plot intended to convince its viewers that faith in god will solve every problem, i found myself wondering how anyone could believe what was being told.  after the news report about the people who were left unscathed after the accident, i turned to my wife and said that if god were really watching out for those who took shelter in the ditch, the accident would never have happened, they either wouldn't have been in that place when the truck skidded and overturned or the truck would have managed to avoid skidding off the road in the first place.  i'm glad that there were no serious injuries as a result of this accident, but luck was on their side, not god.

as the christian toy store owner summarized the events of the fictional story, he told those watching that god had caused his business to fail, so that he could invent a new game that enriched him enabling him to give a large gift to his competitor, which then caused the hard-hearted businessman to examine his life and convert to christianity.  all of this was a part of "god's plan."  what a conniving god he must worship!  this god made him fail and his family to suffer through month's of worry as they watched their savings vanish in order to bring a heartless rival "back into the fold."  i'm afraid i don't want to worship such a god.

may we see that the events of life are not being controlled by god but that our lives are in our own hands.  just as the bad things that happen to us are not allowed to happen because of god's indifference, neither are the good things the result of god's machinations.  we must take responsibility for ourselves.  when we are generous and compassionate, we can be a blessing to others, not because we are being manipulated to do so by god but because it is the right thing to do.  may we be grateful that we have the freedom to accept life on its own terms and make the best of it.  shalom.

My Home Lies Deep Within You

as i sat down to write, i was torn about the subject of my short post for this week.  i wondered if i should write about the ongoing impeachment drama unfolding in washington, about a situation in my personal life, or about a concert my wife and i attended this past week.  in the end, i decided to write about the concert because music is such an important part of my life.

we attended a concert in another town just north of ours and happened to be seated next to two women from a town about an hour west of where we live.  as my wife visited with the two women before the concert began, she told them that we had hope to hear the vienna boys' choir when we travel to houston for thanksgiving but couldn't make the dates work out with our schedule.  to our surprise, they said that the choir was performing in their town in just a few days.  as we waited for our concert to begin, i got my phone out and was able to get us tickets for the concert in an almost-sold-out auditorium.

last weekend we drove to the concert and delighted in the beautiful music created by these children being trained in austria.  they sang a variety of music, ranging from the renaissance to show tunes, with the emphasis on what i would describe as "world music," some of it composed in the style of the country in which it was written and some of it folk music.  after the concert i pondered about the magic of music.  as their conductor said, making music causes you to be happier and makes what is sometimes a burdensome task a lighter one.  i wondered how many of these boys would go on to become professional musicians and how many would go into other fields, carrying their musical experiences and the amazing opportunity of seeing so much of the world with them.

as someone who has worked in the field of music my entire life, i can't imagine a world without music.  in my retirement, i miss the day-to-day experience of practicing music for my livelihood and go as often as i can to hear others make music.  we are fortunate to live in an area where there are concerts of all types available to us at a very reasonable cost.  for instance, in the past month we have gone to a free concert of french classical music at a nearby college, to hear a world-class trio of professional singers, to a series of concerts by several talented ensembles at a nearby amusement park, and finally to the concert we attended this past weekend.  in december we will go hear a singer that we have not heard before do a concert, to a symphony christmas concert, to an organ recital, to a string orchestra program, and to a christmas choral program.  in addition, i will be singing messiah with our local community chorus, which just began its preparations for this annual presentation, as well as playing the christmas eve service at the episcopal church in our town.

what is it about music that makes life so much richer, that lifts us from our humdrum existence, that puts us in touch with some deep longing in our souls?  i remember as a small child listening in rapt attention to the pianist in the small country church i attended with my family and longing to be able to play as she did.  i began begging for lessons when i was five, and, when i was six, my parents relented and let me begin studying the piano, though they thought i was too young.  those lessons began a journey that i have not yet completed, and, in many difficult situations, music has been my salvation.  i will always be grateful to those who supported me along the way, beginning with my parents and my first teacher.

may the gift of music be a part of each life.  may we appreciate those who make music and support them in their work.  may each of us experience the joy that music brings each day.  shalom.

When Evening Falls So Hard

last sunday, our son came for a visit.  we were apprehensive about his visit, because he was coming without his wife, and we had just been to visit them a little over a week before.  we were glad to see him, of course, but thought it odd that his wife was not coming with him.  after an hour or so of conversation, he got around to the reason for his driving the hour and a half to our home on a sunday afternoon: he and his wife were separating and would be divorcing in the near future.

he seemed to be handling the breakup well and assured us that this would be an amicable dissolution of their marriage.  they had discussed how to divide up their assets and debts equitably, she had found an apartment that she would soon move into, and he would remain in their home for the time being until a propitious time arrived to sell it and divide the proceeds.  they both have good jobs that appear to be secure, and, while money will be tight for both of them in the short term, they can manage it seems.

i was impressed with the maturity both of them were exhibiting in this process, and i could sense relief on our son's part that they had come to this decision.  as he told us, they seemed to be on different paths in their lives, and they could both see that there was no way to reconcile their personal goals in life.  they had moved back to arkansas from colorado a few months ago, and he longed to return to the mountains with which he felt a deep connection.  while we hate to see him move so far away again, i understand his love for the rockies.  i have long felt more at home in the mountains than anywhere else, but i never had the opportunity to live near them, so i am happy that he finds himself in a position where he can choose where he wants to live once the divorce is finalized and his financial situation is less precarious.  he envisions that scenario taking about two years, and that seems to be a reasonable timeframe.  by that time, his feelings may have changed and new opportunities may have opened up for him.

after he left, i ached for him and his soon-to-be ex-wife.  i believe they love each other, but the course of their lives has set them on different paths.  we are glad that our son can count on our support and that of his sister.  his spouse doesn't have that support from her own parents, who are religious conservatives that don't agree with divorce, though she has other family and friends that will be there for her.  our son longs for time to be by himself to sort his feelings out, and i think it will be good for him to be on his own, something that he has never been able to do before.  he jumped from being a college student into his first marriage, which ended when his wife left him for another man.  when that marriage ended, he moved into our guest house, which put him back with mom and dad, and he went from that situation into his second marriage and a move to north arkansas to be with his new wife.  now he looks forward to living independently and sorting through his thoughts, dreams, and goals.

may each of us have the time we need to search out our own way.  may we do so with compassion for those who are a part of that search and who we encounter on the path.  may we have the space to be our authentic selves and to discover who we are in our deepest hearts.  may we see the opportunities life presents us with and be thankful for the obstacles we encounter that help us become more compassionate, caring, and resilient people, remembering that the rocks are there to be climbed so we can see new visions.  shalom.