Olden Times and Ancient Rhymes

during this busy time of year, it's easy to get caught up in the tasks that we feel must be done.  the decorating, the cooking, the gift-buying and wrapping, and the preparations for christmas guests can consume us so that we don't take the time to appreciate the season's magical qualities.  i hear people saying in voices filled with frustration that they don't know how they'll ever get everything done.

 i must admit to feeling a little of this pre-christmas anxiety.  i haven't wrapped any of the presents i'm giving my wife, and i'm not sure when i'm going to take care of that chore.  my wife and i spent some time yesterday figuring out when to cook each dish we need to have ready for our guests when they come next weekend.  we want to have as much as possible done in advance so that we can spend time with them rather than in the kitchen.  we hope our prior planning will make life easier for us and give us a more relaxing christmas weekend.  

 

perhaps this is a part of being mindful:  to stop and think through how to accomplish what is needed, thus developing a plan to help us avoid a last minute panic.  i can remember years when christmas arrived and i was too exhausted with preparing for it that i couldn't enjoy it.  when i talked with my sister on the phone yesterday, she reminded me of how tired our mother often was at christmas because of all the work she had to do leading up to it.  as the rest of the family celebrated together, she was busy in the kitchen.  when she finally was able to sit down, she had no energy left to enjoy what should have been a festive season for her as well.

 

may we remember to take time for reflection.  may we see what the purpose of all the preparation is rather than being so caught up in the process.  may we simplify our lives when we can and think of ways to give ourselves time to just be in the moment.  may busyness not become a goal itself.  may we enjoy all that this season offers us.  shalom.

 

Up a Lazy River

my wife was raised in a household where the prevailing philosophy was "idle hands are the devil's workshop."  she and her siblings were taught that they must always be busy at some task, except when they were eating or sleeping.  their father was a stern man who worked from home, so the children never had a minute at home when he was not supervising them.  their mother worked in a sweatshop making coats eight hours a day and then returned home to clean and cook.  none of the family ever had a minute to spare.  if one of the children completed an assigned job, that child was given another assignment, even if a needless job had to be invented.

their father, who operated a car repair shop attached to the home, might empty a coffee can full of different sizes of washers and order one of the children to sort them by size.  he might send a child in search of a certain tool, all the while knowing that it was in the pocket of his coveralls.  that child didn't dare stop searching until her father "discovered" the tool in his pocket.  he kept a collection of wrecked cars to scavenge for parts.  as soon as they could see over the dashboard, the children had to drive these vehicles out into a field beside his garage every morning.  every evening they had to be driven back from the field into the parking area in front of the garage.  there was no reason for this shifting of the old wrecks, except that it gave the children practice at driving and created a job for them.

as can be imagined, this constant insistence on work carried over into the children's adult lives.  my wife and her siblings can't sit and relax without feeling guilty.  they are constantly finding reasons to be up and "doing something useful."  my wife will tell me that the next day she's going to take some time just to unwind, but when the next day comes, she begins it with a recitation of jobs that she intends to accomplish.  by the time all her list is completed or she gives some of them up in exhaustion, the unwinding time is gone.  over the years, she has come to realize that there is more to life than constantly working at something.  she can now sit down and visit with guests, even though there may be jobs that need doing.  she can sit down in the evenings after the kitchen is cleaned and watch television or play on her ipad.  a few years ago, such time spent relaxing would not have been possible for her.

we visited one of her sisters over thanksgiving and watched as she worked all the time we were there.  she couldn't sit through a meal without getting up several times to fetch something that was needed or to wait on one of the others who were gathered around the table.  another of her sisters is the same.  i don't believe either of them has ever completed a meal undisturbed.  my wife often tells her sisters that there is more to life than work, and she tries her best to take time to stop and enjoy her life without feeling compelled to "be busy."  while my wife works far too much, i'm glad she has been able to slow down a bit and take time for herself.  i've learned that she can let go of some of her work if i work along with her, helping her finish her to-do list more quickly. 

may we each let go of the compulsion to constantly keep busy.  may we allow ourselves the freedom to just be still.  may we learn to appreciate the sweetness of doing nothing.  shalom. 

I Am Coming Home to Me

on the sunday before thanksgiving, the minister who preached in the service for which i played spoke of jesus' need for self-care.  he told of how jesus would withdraw from the world to go off by himself to a place of quiet to renew himself.  i thought of how each of us needs to learn from the example of people like jesus and the buddha.  these great teachers were filled with compassion for others, but they also knew how to have compassion for themselves.  they recognized that they needed quiet time for themselves in order to be able to meet the needs of others.

over the past several years, i've learned that i need this time each morning to focus on myself and prepare for the day ahead.  i won't be kind to others if i'm not first kind to myself.  no matter how busy the day ahead is, my time of meditation and quiet is essential if i am to accomplish what needs to be done.  it is not time wasted but rather time that is essential to my mental and emotional well-being.  i believe that this contemplative practice is something each of us should find time for.  we need to let our minds be free, to still the busy chatter that fills our consciousness, and simply be still with our breath.

from this stillness of mind arises the capacity for lovingkindness, compassion, tolerance, empathy, and forgiveness.  if we can't have these qualities for ourselves, how can we have them for others?  there is so little quiet in modern life, what with the noise of the media and traffic, the tyranny of the clock ticking, the endless list of what needs to be done, and the chatter of our minds.  it is imperative that we begin and end our days with some silent time during which our minds are at ease and our bodies are still.

 

may we find the "me" time that we all need.  may we remember that our minds are not who we are.  may we carry the sense of stillness into each day and slow down while the world whirls around us.  shalom.

For All - Not Just for Some

when i awakened this morning and went into the great room of our home, i looked at the beautiful christmas lights and decorations that surrounded me, and i thought of a relative of my wife's who finds no joy in christmas or any other time of the year.  i knew then that i wanted to write about my feelings toward her and how to change myself to see her differently.

this woman (i'll call her "j") is filled with bitterness and anger.  she finds it impossible to get along with anyone, including her husband and daughter.   j is suspicious of all who show her kindness, attributing their good intentions to a desire to take advantage of her in some way.  everywhere she has lived, she has made enemies of her neighbors.  my wife used to call j to try and keep up some sort of relationship with her, but every call turned into a disagreement, and j frequently ended the call abruptly and hung up.  finally my wife decided that trying to maintain the relationship was not worth the pain it caused.

just a couple of weeks ago, we discovered through another relative (j's sister"k") that j has moved with her husband, who is quite ill and over ninety years old, to the pacific northwest where j's daughter and grandchildren had moved.  k had called to check on j and asked j the name of the suburban town to which she was moving.  j claimed she couldn't recall the name of the town, much less her new address.  k had to contact j's daughter to find out the information and share it with the rest of the family.

my wife decided that she would not initiate any contact with j, but leave it to her to contact us, since it appears that j doesn't want other family members to know what is going on in her life.  my wife was deeply hurt that this relative would make such a move and fail to inform the family of her contact information.  

as i sit here, i think of how sad j's life must be.  she hates her husband, has a strained relationship with her daughter, and finds reasons to alienate her neighbors wherever she lives.  she believes that everyone is out to get her, that all who are kind to her are only trying to take advantage of her in some way.  i'm trying to open my heart to her and to imagine her as a small, mistreated child.  in the family, we know that her father was physically and emotionally abusive to her and her siblings and that her childhood was a misery.  we know that her first husband, though not physically abusive, was self-centered and controlling, offering her almost no emotional support.  as i think about that relationship, i try to imagine how awful life must have been for her, having gone from an abusive father to a husband that was little better.

i can't walk in her shoes, but i can try to picture her as a frightened child and unloved wife.  every male figure in her life injured her.  her present husband holds her captive by his illness, and she is now little more than his servant and care-giver.  she has been forced to give up the things she loves to do to care for him.  she had an outlet through the music program in her church, where she sang in the choir, played in the church orchestra, and had begun violin lessons.  his illness ended all that.  now she is more bitter and angry than ever.  i can do little to help her, but i can try to understand how she has come to be the person she is and have compassion for her.

may she see the harm she does herself and others.  may we see how easy it would be to become like her if we had experienced the pain she has suffered.  may we realize that there are many who are suffering just as j is and help them in any way we can.  may we love without condition and, at the same time, may we accept that we can't solve another's problems for them.  shalom.

We Struggle to Be Human and Search

the older i get, the less certain i am that i have the answers to many of life's most important questions.  when i was younger, i was convinced of who God is and of my place in the world.  i believed everything i had been taught about religion and its role in my life.  now, it seems more salient to question than to rely on beliefs i inherited from others.  my sense is that there is truth in many schools of thought and that there is more than one way to access the divine.

those who claim to have the answers repel me.  when someone says that God has spoken to them, i am suspicious.  such assertions suggest that, since someone has received a message from God, that person's beliefs must be beyond question.  if we doubt them, we're refusing "God's message" and messenger.  i am no longer convinced that God has a plan for every individual or group.  i don't belive in "divine missions."  i don't believe that this country or any country is favored by God.

as i watch what is happening in israel/palestine, i am reminded of the biblical story of the people of israel.  i think of their dramatic escape from slavery in egypt, their arduous journey to the "promised land."  i recall the mass murders they committed, supposedly on orders from God, as they conquered the inhabitants of what became israel.  that ancient battle, which likely is not entirely factual, continues in this small parcel of land, and my heart breaks for all the suffering that both israelis and palestinians continue to endure.  why must an enmity that dates back thousands of years continue?  why can't palestinians and jews live together peaceably in this land?  if the continued blood-letting is ordained by God, what sort of God must we worship!

we do great harm to ourselves and others in the name of religion and claim that God has given us the answers.  those who disagree must be wrong, since they are not accepting what we are convinced is what God has ordained.  we use religion as an excuse to force our own will on others, when in reality it is control over others that we seek.  claiming God's blessing on our oppression of others is a convenient excuse for our destructive behavior.

may we be persistent in questioning the teachings that have been passed down to us.  may we never accept something as truth without investigation.  may we admit our own folly rather than using religion as a cover for our failings.  may we be tolerant of the viewpoints of others, realizing that no one has a monopoly on truth.  may love be more important than control.  shalom.

A Time to Be Born, A Time to Die

each time i write a blog post i end it with the english rendering, "shalom," of a hebrew word.  this word has so many meanings and encompasses much of what we humans work toward and need.  shalom is that which we seek and only find when we realize that we cannot control anything beyond ourselves.  shalom is peace.  shalom is unity.  shalom is wholeness.  shalom is oneness with the universe.  shalom is the interconnectedness of everything that is.  shalom is hello.  shalom is goodbye.  shalom is wellness.

how do we find the wholeness, the unity, the "oneness," the health that is included in these six letters?  this is the quest on which many of us find ourselves.  perhaps shalom comes when we let go of the self that clings and craves.  this monumental task may take a lifetime.  as i look around me, i see a room filled with beautiful things collected over many years.  i ask myself how important are these things to me.  they represent so much of my history, and it will be difficult to let them go when the time comes.  

our lives are filled with the desire to cling to the things we hold dear.  we don't want to think of the time when those we love will be gone, or when we ourselves will end this present life, or when we must surrender much of what we have accumulated because we can no longer care for it.  but these things are not who or what we are.  they are a part of us and we are one with them, just as the memories that they evoke are a part of us.

the same is true of what we call the "self."  it is not who or what we are.  shalom means sensing that all-that-is is part of the wholeness of being.  everything is connected, and each of the parts of "everything" is necessary to the whole without being that whole itself.  i am my own mother, my father, my sister, my brother, my friend, just as each person we meet and each person we hold dear is all of those things.  we are one, and yet "i" am not one, but a part of "one."

to achieve shalom, i must learn to be at one with all that is.  the more i realize that the whole is more than the sum of its parts, the more i live in shalom, in wholeness.  so this day i wish "shalom" to each one of us who is a part of the whole.  may we each see how we are connected.  may we sense the vibrations of the seeming inanimate objects that we encounter as part of the connection that unifies the whole.  may we see that our memories are shared memories of all that is, all that has gone before, and all that will be.  may we accept the continuity of life that flows from the past and into the future and know that we are a part of that continuum.  shalom.

That Made Us Mellow

this week's post has been unusually difficult for me, so I'm taking a little extra time before i post it.  in the meantime, may i wish each of you shalom. may you be filled with lovingkindness, compassion, health, and peace.