i have a relative whom i love dearly, but often this dear one says unkind things in the most casual way. when she directs these remarks at others, it seems she has little regard for how her words wound. if she is called out, she will say something like, "you know i didn't mean it" or "you should know i was only kidding." i've felt the sting of her words, and my first impulse is to lash out at her.
i'm trying to understand why she does this. most of the time she is a kind, considerate person. i know that she was abused physically and emotionally as a child and that she had a very difficult time growing up. perhaps she feels insecure about the sincerity of others' love for her, remembering how her father treated her and how ineffective her mother was in protecting her. whatever the cause, i've come to realize that her words are more about her internal anger rather than about the person at whom her unkind words are directed. because she hurts, she tries to inflict the same pain on others.
realizing that takes away some of the sting of her words. replying in kind confirms her belief that others harbor ill feelings toward her and deepens her conviction that everyone is against her. the deep pain arising from her formative years can be pushed aside most of the time, but when it comes to the surface, she wants to hurt others as she has been hurt. may those who carry deep wounds find healing. may we look beyond the obvious and seek the causes of suffering. may we be forgiving and let go of the hurtful arrows directed at us. may lovingkindness and compassion replace anger and the desire for revenge. shalom.
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