Just to See Her Smile

this week i want to write about my gratitude for the wonderful wife with whom i have shared the past fifty-three years of marriage.  she and i met as freshmen in college, first attracted to each other by our mutual love of music.  we dated throughout our undergraduate years and married the summer after graduation.  we came from very different backgrounds but over the years we've learned to appreciate both the differences and similarities in our upbringing.  

during our early years of marriage, we disagreed about many things.  there were times when we went for days without speaking to one another.  as time passed, we realized that our love for one another was stronger than the need for each of us to be in control.  we found ways to compromise and learned to put our selfish desires aside in favor of understanding one another's needs.  we came to view ourselves as equal partners, neither believing that one had to control the other.  

my wife made many sacrifices so that i could pursue my career.  when we concluded together that i needed to pursue a master's degree, followed by a doctorate, she gave up her job and moved with me so that i could enter a doctoral program in another state.  we sold our home and lived in a typical married students' apartment while i completed by year of residency.  by the time i completed my course work, the job market had dried up, and we were forced to take whatever jobs we could find.  we worked together to make ends meet and provide for ourselves and our young daughter until i finally landed a good teaching job, forcing us to move yet again.  through it all, my wife supported my endeavors and worked with me as our standard of living gradually improved.

our son came along, and we enjoyed our nice middle-class lives in jobs we both found rewarding.  unexpectedly, the administration of my school district changed, and the new superintendent was less supportive of the fine arts program in which i worked than our previous leader had been.  suddenly, i found myself out of a job, and we were forced to move once more so i could continue my teaching career.  my wife never complained.  she gave up her job and took another job which she hated.  yet, she gritted her teeth and made our lives together work while she pursued a masters degree and found another job that was more satisfying.

as we continued our lives, our financial situation improved.  we were able to pay for both our children to complete their bachelor's degrees and to build up reserves to support us in our retirement years.  through it all, we drew closer to one another, realizing that we were not only spouses but best friends.  we suffered through the deaths of our parents, seeing in those losses the need for us to relish each moment that remained to us.  in our twilight years, we find that we enjoy being together now more than ever.  my wife encourages me to pursue activities that i enjoy, even when those activities don't interest her, just as i encourage her in her active social life.  our mutual interests--travel, dining out, spending time with other couples who are our friends, watching movies--are rewarding and draw us closer together with each passing day.  neither of us can imagine life without the other, even while we recognize that some day that may become a reality.

i am grateful that we've had a long and happy life together.  i am grateful for my wife's consistent encouragement of and support for me no matter the circumstances.  i am grateful for the two wonderful children we've raised.  i am grateful that we've learned to work together and that each of us loves the other as we love ourselves.

may we all find such happiness in our relationships.  may we recognize the benefits of loving long and deeply.  may we let go of the selfish need to control and think instead of the needs of others.  may we relish the days we have, knowing how precious each of them is.  shalom.

Love Incarnate

we have known and believe the love that God has for us.  God is love, and those who abide in love abide in God, and God abides in them. . . the commandment we have from him is this: those who love God must love their brothers and sisters also.  1 john 4: 16, 21

a few weeks ago, my wife and i met some relatives in northern kentucky to tour the ark encounter.  as we approached the ark, we were amazed by its enormity.  it is, according to the official brochure, the largest freestanding timber frame structure in the world.  during our tour of the various levels of displays, i began to wonder what important lessons could be learned from the story of noah and the ark.  one is that God can use flawed people like noah to accomplish great things.  another is that it is our responsibility to see that God's work of creation is preserved, rather than exploiting it for our own wealth and comfort.

as christmas approaches, i think about the messages contained in the christmas stories in matthew's and luke's gospels.  like the residents of bethlehem that mary and joseph encountered, do we turn a blind eye to the countless homeless around us?  should we be proclaiming God's message of peace and good will to a warring, intolerant world just as the heavenly host proclaimed that message to the poorest of the poor, the "shepherds abiding in the field keeping watch over their flock by night?"  we watch as millions are forced to flee their homes to live in strange lands and are reminded of the flight of joseph, mary, and the infant jesus to egypt to escape a tyrant in their own homeland.

each christmas we are called to remember that the birth of a child to a young woman accompanied by an impoverished carpenter in a manger in a small village in an obscure backwater of the vast roman empire was the turning point of history.  the message of christmas didn't occur in the roman seat of power.  the proclamation of peace and good will didn't come to the wealthy living in opulence.  God uses the humblest of vessels to contain the most profound truths, and christmas calls on us to examine the seemingly unimportant to discover what God may have in store for us, calling on us to remember that, as christina rosetti wrote in 1865, love came down at christmas,/love all lovely, love divine;/love was born at christmas;/star and angels gave the sign.  love shall be our token;/love be yours and love be mine;/love to God and others,/love for plea and gift and sign.  shalom.

                                

A Song of Thanksgiving

thanksgiving day in the usa has just passed, and this week i want to write about someone for whom i am grateful, my father.  there are many others about whom i could write, but, in keeping with my previous post about awakening to the happiness i knew as i child, my mind goes back to my relationship with my father.

for much of my life, i wasted time resenting my father.  i saw the favoritism he showed to my younger brother and felt ignored and neglected by him.  since my recent epiphany, i see that view was unfair.  his gratitude for my brother's recovery from an illness that could have resulted in his death made dad recall how sick my brother had been and how fortunate we all were that he survived.  what i saw as favoritism was dad's rejoicing in my brother's survival.  dad should have realized how i reacted to his displays of affection for my brother and treated us both the same, taking time to explain to me why he acted as he did toward my brother.  that wasn't dad's nature.  he was unable to put into words his deepest emotions, just as his own father seemed incapable of expressing his love for his children.  i never remember my paternal grandfather embracing any member of his family or telling them that he loved them.  my father was brought up to believe that men did not engage in such displays of affection, even for their own children.  my dad's way for showing his affection toward and gratitude for my brother's escape from death was to shower him with gifts and to indulge his every want.

now that i'm older, i understand my dad and can recall the evolution of his attitude toward me.  by the time i reached high school, he accepted that i would never be the son he wanted me to be.  i was studious and a lover of music.  athletics held no interest for me.  as my high grades and musical awards and performances became objects of admiration for others, my dad realized that he had a son he could be proud of, even though i didn't follow the path he wanted for me.  

one incident stands out from my junior year of high school.  i played the clarinet in the school band and had won numerous awards for my playing.  i had reached the point that my five-year-old beginner clarinet was inadequate and needed to be replaced by a professional level instrument.  though these were expensive, my dad found the money to buy me a new instrument.  he took a day off work and took me out of school for a day to go to the nearest large city where there were numerous music stores to find a clarinet for me.  i can still see the pride in his face as we went from store to store with me trying out various clarinets as the store employees complimented him and me on how well i played.  when a decision to buy a particular instrument was finally made, dad paid for it in cash, and we left the store with my new prized possession.  the elation in his face matched that in mine, and the drive home brought us together in a way that had never happened before.  i saw that dad did love me as much as he loved my younger brother and sister and that he was as proud of me as he would have been if i had been selected as the outstanding player on one of the school's sports teams.  i will always treasure that trip that we made, just the two of us, to enable me to pursue my musical studies because my dad saw how important it was to me.

now that dad has passed away, i wish that i could tell him how much i love him and appreciate the sacrifices he made for me.  i'm finally able to forgive old hurts and understand their source.  i hope that i haven't hurt my own children in the same way my dad unintentionally hurt me and that they are able to forgive my mistakes as a parent while i am still alive.  dad did the best he could and can't be blamed for following the example set for him by his own father.  he worked hard all his life and wanted the best for all three of his children.  i hope i have done the same for my two children.

 

may we be the parents our children need us to be.  may we express our love to them each time we are with them.  may we support them, even when their path is not the path we would have chosen for them.  may we teach them the importance of lovingkindness and compassion by our example.  may we let go of old hurts and seek to understand the reasons they occurred.  shalom.

Dust Off the Sun and Moon

a few nights ago, i awoke in the middle of the night with a feeling of elation, an awakening on several levels.  i recalled many happy times in my childhood.  i remembered baseball games we attended as a family, watching the farm league team in a nearby large city and gorging on hot dogs and soda.  i remembered hopping on my bike in the summer and riding for hours on ends with my friends, the warm sun turning my skin a golden brown.  i remembered building cities and roads in the dirt under the giant sweet gum tree in the yard of my friend down the street or in the kitchen play yard behind our house.  i remembered spending weeks in the summer with my maternal and paternal grandparents.  

i remembered walking with my cousin from my mother's parents' home to the movie theaters downtown and looking at the toy departments in the five-and-dime stores after the movie, then riding the bus back to near their home/grocery store and walking the two blocks from the bus stop to their store.  i remembered how fascinated i was with their store and its customers and the delicious food my grandmother made in her kitchen, while my grandfather tended the store a few steps away.  i remembered how amazed i was that she could so quickly prepare her wonderful meals in just a few minutes' time so that she could return and help wait on customers in the store.  i remembered walking from their store to the public library several blocks down the street and spending hours there reading among the two floors of books.

i remembered the contrast with my father's parents' home, which was always quiet, as my grandfather spent the day in his sunroom at one end of the house while my grandmother tended to household chores at the other end, seeing them together only at meal times.  there i spent my time reading, watching television, or talking to my grandmother as she worked, with occasional trips with her to the stores in her town's small shopping district or to visit her friends around town.  the pace of life at their home was much slower than at my mother's parents'.  there were no nearby relatives to come and visit, no cousins to play with, but i loved being there just the same.

i remembered going to stay at my father's sister's home for a few days during the summer.  her husband was well off, and they had a beautiful home.  her two children, my first cousins, were somewhat snobby and looked down on their "country cousin," but i didn't care.  i loved my aunt, and she doted on me when i came to stay.  she was a smoker, and i loved the smell of her cigarette smoke that permeated the house.  of all my relatives, their house was the only one with central air conditioning, a rarity in those days, and the smell of that smoke after it was filtered through the central cooling system was unique and wonderful to me.  when i think of my aunt, it's that smell and her reddish brown hair that i remember.

my list could go on and on.  those memories came back as never before.  before when i recalled my childhood, the thing i most remembered was my father's distance from me and my jealousy of the affection he held for my younger brother.  on this night, though, i was filled with a deep gratitude to my father.  i realized that he had made many sacrifices for me and for his family and that, because of his upbringing, he had no model of a close, affectionate father, since his own was distant and work-absorbed.  somehow the recollections of a happy, privileged childhood and the sense of love and gratefulness for my father stirred a deep joy in me that was not there before.  i don't regret the lost sleep that those vivid memories caused.  rather, i hope never to lose that sense of waking up to long-suppressed and seemingly forgotten days of a wonderful childhood.

may we all awaken to whatever joys the past may have held.  may we be grateful for happy, carefree days during this season of thanksgiving and carry that sense of gratitude through the rest of our lives.  may we forgive the hurts of the past and seek to understand those who caused them.  may we see that the good outweighs the bad in most instances, and may a deep, abiding happiness be ours.  shalom.

I'd Hammer Out Danger

 the usa is living in the aftermath of the trump presidency.  the republican party has become the trump party.  those republicans who dare to condemn the former president and his anti-democratic actions are ostracized and threatened by trump's allies.  the republican members of the house of representatives who voted in favor of the infrastructure bill negotiated by a bipartisan team of senators are in danger of losing their committee assignments at the hands of the "ever-trumpers" in the house who believe that keeping in trump's good graces is more important that the well-being of the nation.

president biden is dealing with the mess he inherited from trump and is taking the blame for situations, like the afghanistan withdrawal and inflation, that were not of his making.  the democratic majority in the house and senate has squandered his electoral victory by arguing amongst themselves rather than working together to support the president's agenda.  now it appears that their control of both houses of congress is in jeopardy unless they can take speedy action and then convince the american people that the can govern effectively.

the conservative majority on the supreme court threatens to undo years of progress in the areas of women's rights and access to the ballot.  the only remedy may be to increase the number of justices to thwart the direction the originalists on the court seem intent on taking the country.  the court is allowing republican majorities in statehouses across the country to engineer electoral districts to perpetuate their power despite the decline in the number of republican voters.  at the same time, these republican-controlled legislatures are restricting the ability of poor and minority voters to have access to the ballot box, making it more difficult for democrat-leaning voters to participate in elections.

the shadow of trump continues to threaten the nation.  one can only hope that most americans see his failed policies for what they are: an attempt to subvert the democratic process and the constitution in order to enrich himself and satisfy his narcissistic megalomania.  the only way around the electoral engineering designed to keep republicans in power at the state level and to return republicans to power at the national level is for those opposed to trump and his minions to turn out in huge numbers, despite the changes that have been put in place to make it harder for them to vote.  democrats must pass national voting rights legislation and the "build back better" act, and they must convince the american people that these bills are what the nation needs if its promise is to be realized by all its citizens.  we must stop trump and those who support him for gaining control of the country.

may we see trump for what he is: a greedy, selfish man who will use power to advance himself no matter the cost to others.  may we support those who have a vision that makes life better for all americans.  may we turn from a path that will destroy our democracy and embrace pluralism, tolerance, and the desire to help one another.  may we be controlled by love rather than hate.  shalom.

Peace Like A River

this morning i'm thinking of several related words and phrases and how to apply their qualities to my life.  they have similar meanings, and we often use them interchangeably, though there are subtle differences in them.  i'm thinking of words like patience, long-suffering, even-minded calm, constancy, and equanimity.   i used to pray for patience, until i realized the negative implications of the word.  when we are patient, it is usually because something is going on that we must endure though we'd rather not have the need to be patient--something like having to wait in a line for our turn or sit through a boring lecture or conversation.  certainly, patience is a virtue that we need, but i came to realize that there is something better than having patience.

the same is true for being long-suffering, which i think of as a somewhat biblical word.  when we are long-suffering, we are being forced to put up with something unpleasant that may go on for quite some time.  to be long-suffering is to be patient for weeks or months or years, as we wait for unpleasantness or pain to come to an end.  what is needed is a mental attitude that recognizes that suffering, whether short-term or long-term, is a part of life, just as happiness is.  as i turned from a desire to be patient or long-suffering, i sought to find a way to recognize both pleasant and unpleasant situations and the emotions that arise from them in such a way that i accepted those emotions without giving them control of me.

that is where the ideas of constancy, even-minded calm, and equanimity came into play.  i think it was a teaching of jack kornfield that first suggested to me that being constant was a better way of thinking about how to be that being patient.  if i could develop a way to be constant in the face of difficulties and to see them as part of the fabric of life that we all share, then i could replace the concept of enduring these problems with a recognition that it is better to accept them and realize that they are passing.  to be constant is to develop an even-minded calm or equanimity that allows the mind to turn from its turmoil during times of trouble and from its highs in good times, realizing that these emotions are natural but not who we are.  we can accept the emotions that come with suffering and happiness without believing that the emotions are us--they are simply something that we feel on a temporary basis, and they soon pass.

i had a chance to practice constancy a few days ago.  i was trying to purchase a rather expensive needed item in a chain store.  their online store showed that it was on sale.  in the physical store, it was not on sale, though i could purchase at the sale price online and pick up the item in the local branch of the store.  the procedure for doing so was complicated and confusing, and i became quite frustrated as i tried to negotiate the online procedure while in the store.  i could feel my bad temper rising and almost lashed out at the store employees.  i caught myself, thinking that none of this is their fault nor mine.  neither they nor i had control over the design of the website.  as they tried to help me figure out how to get my purchase for the best price, i realized that my anger was passing and that what was needed was constancy, even-minded calm, equanimity, and most of all gratitude to the workers in the store for their willingness to assist me as best they could.  i left the store with my purchase at the sale price and with some pride in myself that i had not allowed my fleeting anger to boil over but had replaced it with heart-felt thanks to those who were willing to help me.

may we recognize and accept our emotions, neither wallowing in them or condemning ourselves for feeling them.  may we live our lives with an underlying sense of constant calm as emotions come and go.  may we see ourselves for who we are, not as the pawn of negative or positive emotions.  may we truly be peaceful and at ease.  shalom.

Our Heart's True Home

last week, my wife and i both had surgeries.  mine was relatively minor and required little recovery time.  it was performed at the doctor's office and involved removing a small skin cancer that had returned.  one layer of skin was surgically removed and biopsied.  once it was determined that there were no more cancer cells below that level, the wound was stitched up, and i was sent home.  there was some soreness and pain for a couple of days that required medication to ease.  beyond that, all i had to do was care for the wound site and endure the appearance of the small scar as it heals.

my wife's surgery was more involved.  she had to go to the hospital's outpatient center, where she was sedated and taken to an operating theater.  incisions were made that allowed for laparoscopic surgery on her heart to treat atrial fibrillation.  her recovery time lasted most of the day, so we were there from 5:30 in the morning until 6:30 that evening.  we were delighted that she was able to return home rather than spending a night in the hospital, even though we had a two-hour drive in pouring rain over a difficult highway at night.

fortunately, our daughter was able to come stay with us for several days to help both of us as we recovered at home.  our son came and spent the weekend, helping us after his sister left to return home.  without their help, life would have been difficult for us.  my wife was very weak and tired from her ordeal, and i didn't feel nearly as well as i usually do.  my surgery along with the long wait and worry over my wife's surgery had taken a toll on me.

when we were left at home by ourselves, i felt completely exhausted.  i told my wife that i had never felt so old.  for the first time, my age was a factor in my well being, and i understood at last how my father must have felt during my mother's extended illness and after her death.  i wish now i had been more understanding and patient with him but we aren't able to put ourselves in another's shoes until we have a similar experience.  i went to bed after that first day after the children were gone somewhat depressed and very weary.  my wife felt bad because she thought that she was the cause of my ill feeling.  i assured her that the way i felt wasn't her fault; it was the natural result of a very tiring week finally catching up with me, once i realized that her care was now entirely in my hands.

after a good night's sleep, i awakened much more like my usual self.  i was ready to face the day, and the weariness of the previous day was gone.  we don't have any pressing responsibilities this week unless some emergency arises, so i should be able to take it easy and recover my strength.  my wife's recuperation seems to be going well.  though she can't do much other than rest, she will slowly regain her former vigor, i feel certain.  within a couple of weeks we will be able to return to our normal routine, and she will feel much more energetic as a result of her operation.  i am optimistic about the coming days and excited that we should have many more years ahead of us to enjoy our lives together.

may each of us see that negative emotions don't have to be permanent.  may we take the time we need to allow our bodies to recharge.  may we relish each good moment we have and learn from each bad one, giving thanks for the benefits of both.  may we understand that there is an arc to our lives and accept the passing years as common to all of us.  shalom.