my wife and i are friends with a couple that we often make short day trips with to eat out, shop, or attend concerts. as a rule we enjoy being with them, but sometimes the husband in the other couple is difficult to be around. while his wife is very agreeable and easygoing, he sometimes insists on having his own way despite what the rest of us want. as an example, we had planned a trip to see a show and were on a tight schedule with him as the driver. along the way, he decided he was hungry and had to stop at a fast food drive-through to get something to eat. he could see that the line was quite long, and i told him that this restaurant had slow service at their drive-through. nevertheless, he plowed ahead and even daydreamed in line, allowing another car to go ahead of us when it was our turn. as a result we were late for our show, had to wait for a later show, and had to rearrange all of the rest of the day. when we finally got to see our show and left for dinner, he drove us to a restaurant other than the one at which we had all agreed to eat when planning the trip because he didn't want to eat where we had planned, though he never voiced any objection when we planned our day together.
my wife and i were quite irritated at his behavior, and his wife was miffed as well. we ended the day without voicing our frustration to him, but we fumed over it for several days. as i thought about what had happened after getting over my anger, i tried to understand why this friend behaves the way he does. this incident was typical of a pattern of behavior that he has exhibited as long as we've known him. this man was born when his parents were older and was doted on by his mother and his sister all the time he was growing up. his sister was thirteen years his senior and regarded him as her child more than as a younger brother and still mothers him. his wife, who would rather avoid confrontation than assert herself, has tolerated his selfishness, though she fumes about him in private. his treatment of others is so ingrained that i'm certain he is unaware of the pain he causes. he can be a kind and considerate person, but his needs and desires always come first. if we didn't enjoy his wife so much, we would avoid being with him.
yesterday his wife called and asked us over to eat dinner today. my wife told her we'd have to get back to her because my wife didn't want to commit while she was still angry with him. after talking it over, we decided that the relationship with his wife was more important to us than avoiding him. so my wife called back and told her we'd love to come to dinner. i felt badly about letting this man get under my skin so much, but with enough distance between the last incident and now, i can be a little more objective about our relationship. i'm able to see his manipulations for what they are and deal with them in order to maintain our friendship as couples.
we're all guilty of a certain amount of selfishness and can all be insensitive to the needs and desires of others. what is important is that we don't allow our selfishness and insensitivity to become a pattern of behavior. we need to put ourselves in the shoes of others as much as we can and try to look at life from their perspectives. while our emotions often get in the way of making rational decisions, it's best to hold our tongues until we can get some distance between our initial emotional reactions to a situation and can deal with our frustrations in the most intelligent and compassionate way.
may we allow ourselves the space to become calm and to consider various possibilities. may we discipline our tongues and our minds so that we don't speak before we think. may we forgive without excusing behavior that is harmful. may our hearts be filled with lovingkindness and compassion rather than anger and frustration. shalom.
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