When Disappointment, Grief, and Fear Are Gone

i continue to struggle with my mind.  progress is being made, i think, but i'm still far from perfect.  i am able to step back and see my mind working, worrying, fighting for control.  for instance, i learned yesterday that the airline schedule for our upcoming trip to canada had been changed by the airline.  a flight from toronto to vancouver had been canceled, and the airline had booked us onto another flight.  the change resulted in a seven-hour layover in toronto with an arrival time in vancouver just after midnight on the next day.  this change was inconvenient, costly, and disastrous to our ongoing travel arrangements.  we had purchased this particular itinerary in order to meet the couple who would be traveling with us in time to drive to our first destination the afternoon of our arrival.  the airline's change made it impossible for us to get to our first destination in time and would necessitate an extra overnight stay in vancouver, where hotels prices are exorbitant, as well as causing our friends to have a 12-hour wait in the vancouver airport.

i went to bed last night, determined to put this irritant out of my mind until i could deal with it today.  my mind wouldn't quit rehashing all the problems that the airline's flight cancellation caused and how to best deal with them.  i labeled what my mind was doing and tried to step back and observe what was going on in my head.  ultimately, i was successful, and sleep came.  in the middle of the night, i awakened, and my mind got busy worrying once more.  again, i watched it, labeled my worrying thoughts, and sleep came again.

i wish that i had been successful in my initial desire to postpone resolving this problem.  my mind had other ideas, though, and sought to control me with worries that were unnecessary.  today, i feel much better, knowing that i saw what my mind was doing and dealt with it, just as i will work towards a solution to my travel dilemma later this morning.  as i sit here, i am reflecting back on the previous days, weeks, and months.  i can't remember another instance in the past couple of years when worries had kept me awake.  knowing this demonstrates that something profound has happened in the way my true self has stepped away from the stories my mind uses in its attempts to convince me that what i think is really who i am.  i can see more clearly that my mind is a tool that i can use but it is not "me."

may we allow our true selves to rule our minds, not the other way around.  may we see that the vagaries of life can either be resolved or else accepted when solutions can't be found.  may we realize that worrying is a tactic our minds use to control us.  may we find the inner peace that only comes with ceasing to identify with our minds.  shalom.

Cools the Heat and Slows the Pace

last week i wrote about accepting what is and dealing with it, taking things one step at a time rather than focusing on what comes next.  i've worked on that this week and caught my mind trying to take over and rush into the future.  on a number of occasions, i've been able to stop my anticipation of where i'm headed and return to the present moment.  this is work that makes life more enjoyable and helps me to slow down.

one area of my life i'm trying to slow down is my habit of eating as quickly as i can.  as a teenager, i struggled with the inability to put on weight and keep it on.  my parents worried about how thin i was and my persistent problems with anemia.  our family pediatrician advised me to drink as much whole milk as i could and to eat quickly so i could consume more food.  i followed his advice and was able to put on a few pounds and keep them on.  when i became a teacher, i had to eat quickly so that i could return to my duties.  most teachers of young children will tell you that downing lunch in a matter of minutes is a necessity.  part of a teacher's allotted lunch time is taken up with moving a class to the cafeteria, gulping down your own meal, and getting to some supervisory duty on time.

this habit of years of consuming as much food as possible in a short amount of time has caused some health problems for me.  in middle age, i gained a good deal of weight, and in my senior years i've developed some digestive problems.  both these issues can be attributed to my practice of eating quickly.  now i'm trying to slow down and appreciate the food i'm consuming.  i'm reminding myself to take smaller bites, to chew my food thoroughly, and to treat mealtime as an opportunity to visit with my wife and friends, rather than as a chore to be completed in the least amount of time possible.  it's going to be hard to change a practice that has been part of my life for almost sixty years, but i'm going to try to eat more mindfully.  already, i can see some results of my efforts, and that makes me confident that i can control my eating patterns and make this part of my life more enjoyable and healthy.

as i sit here and write, i am trying to focus only on what i'm doing.  i know that another task that is part of my morning routine will follow, but i'm not going to rush through my writing in order to get to the next part of my day.  right now, my mind is telling me that i need to hurry up, but that's not what this little essay needs.  instead, what i'm doing now is what is important, and i will work at concentrating on what comes next when the time comes.  i ask myself if i've said all i intended to say, if i've come to a better understanding of how to  live in the present moment.  i think i have.  i'll continue to work on eating mindfully and on living each minute of my life as fully as i can.

may we learn to let go of regret about the past and anxiety about the future.  may we realize that everything we need is right now in the gift of each breath we've been given.  may we never stop working on gaining control of our minds.  may we be good observers of the lies our minds tell us.  may we learn that real peace comes from within as we allow our true selves to find expression.  shalom.

All the Things That Really Matter

we all have those weeks when everything moves non-stop.  we rush from one thing to another, and things just don't seem to go the way we want them to.  this past week has been one of those weeks for me.  problems that should have been easy to solve evolved into complicated rigamaroles.  despite my best intentions, i found myself running in many different directions and becoming increasingly frustrated.  as i look back on the week, i see that much was accomplished.  difficulties that weren't resolved are headed in the right direction.  the coming week should move at a much slower pace because i don't have as many responsibilities to shoulder.

as i reflect back on the past week, i see that i let my busy mind have too much control.  i didn't step away from the demands that it made on me.  i was living too much in the future and not enough in the present.  old patterns are hard to stop.  our minds tell us that, in order to accomplish much, we must rush through each day with the expectation that everything will be perfect.  when the perfection that we demanded of life is absent, we are frustrated, and life becomes a series of small complications that add up to large stresses.  much of this is our own doing.  instead of accepting what is and doing our best with it, we demand what should be and are frustrated when that is not what is. 

even now, as i write, i am thinking about the future.  i know that there are others things that i want to do, so i rush through the present in order to get to the future.  when that future becomes the present, i will most likely be looking toward what comes next.  i stop and watch as my mind tries to slow itself down.  i pause and let go of plans and what comes next.  my fingers slow down as i type the letters that form the words.  right now is what is important.  the future will arrive and become the present whether i think about it or not.  i stop and take a sip of coffee, relishing its warmth and richness.  i enjoy it without gulping it down so that i can complete this task and move onto the next.

may life be a series of moments to be treasured.  may we not allow the rush of life to interfere with what is right now.  may we not ruin the present by dwelling on what comes next.  may we learn the art of acceptance and let go of the need to control.  may our minds be at peace and our hearts filled with lovingkindness.  shalom.

And Each Answer Is A Lie

a quote came up on my phone that made me stop and think.  it said something along the lines of "to question what you believe is one of the best gifts you can give yourself."  i wish that i had caught the name of the person who said or wrote that so i could investigate further.  over the next few days, i may pursue some online sleuthing to see what i can find out.  one of my favorite aphorisms is "to question is the answer."  in buddhism there is an approach that teaches us to test our beliefs, suggesting that if a belief is not reasonable it should be rejected.  we shouldn't accept anything on faith, if by "faith" we mean acceptance with little or no supporting evidence.

simply accepting something as truth with little reflection, investigation, or thought is dangerous.  "truth" is an ambiguous word.  it has little meaning.  what is true at one moment may not be true in the next.  what is true for one person may not be true for another.  we can often hold a "truth" and its opposite simultaneously, and both are equally "true."  in the darkest night, with the least light pollution, the skies shine brightest.  the deepest love can be the most dangerous sort of love when it leads to stifling the object of that love or an unhealthy desire to control and cling to that object.

as a disciple of jesus, i am constantly asking myself who jesus is/was.  his teachings, like those of the buddha, are so profound and thought-provoking that a lifetime of contemplating them and how to live by them is not enough.  as i think about questioning, i am reminded of his saying that whoever would be greatest must become least, whoever would be first must become last.  our thoughts are scary things, and, when we fail to examine them, we fall into the trap of believing they must be true.  we can never say with certainty that what we believe is the correct belief.  we must make room for uncertainty, for doubt, for ambiguity, even though our minds find these things uncomfortable.

may we remember that the only constant is change.  may we not cling to beliefs that may or may not be true but hold everything tenderly, without grasping tightly.  may we question fearlessly, never allowing ourselves to sink into a comfortable complacency.  may we make peace with ambiguity and uncertainty.  shalom.