O Joy That Seekest Me Through Pain

i don't often write about my past but a short quote from the dalai lama on my daily calendar and a book that i am reading, "letting go" by david hawkins, have caused me to feel the need to write this post.  on my calendar, the dalai lama said something like "you cannot correct the mistakes of the past; you can only refrain from making the same mistakes in the present."  but dr. hawkins' book is all about letting go of past mistakes by understanding their causes and letting go of the things that once led us down the wrong path and continue to cause us suffering in the present.  there is truth in both understandings, and, as is often the cause, two seemingly contradictory ideas can both have merit.  we cannot go back and undo past wrongs; at best, we can make amends, but often that is not possible.  what we can do is learn from our mistakes and work to stop ourselves from making them again.  i know from my own personal experience that the past continues to haunt me.  much of my present suffering is caused by my inability to correct past hurts and misjudgments.  as much as i wish to push them to the back of my mind and live in the present, they are there, and meditation seems to have a way of reminding me of them.

as i've meditated on the dalai lama's statement and on what i've learned so far from "letting go," i've been able to analyze much of what has caused me pain as i recall my past.  i now see that every misdeed in my past that is causing present suffering is related to my need for acceptance.  that need arises from my rejection by my father.  my father was not a bad man, and i know he loved me deeply, but in so many ways i was a disappointment to him.  i knew this from early on in my life.  when he wanted his firstborn son to develop a love for sports, and especially for baseball--a sport he was very talented in--i loved reading and music.  during the first few years of my life, he was absent much of the time as he drove two hours every day from our home to the business he managed.  later when we moved to the town where his business was located, he worked long hours, coming home exhausted without the energy to play with me.  i can still remember my mother telling him that he was neglecting me, that he needed to pay more attention to me.

as i pursued my own interests, i could see that he thought them inappropriate for a boy, and i suppose insisting on making my own way was a way of asserting my own personality, a sort of getting back at him for what seemed to a young boy as him ignoring me.  when my younger brother came into the picture, he was very different from me.  where i was quiet and obedient, he was rowdy and rebellious.  after he developed and then recovered from a life-threatening infection when he was about five, my father showered affection on him.  i can see now that this outpouring of love from a man who was normally withdrawn and undemonstrative stemmed from my father's relief at my brother's recovery, but his actions further pushed me away from my dad.

as i grew into adolescence, i longed from my father to love me as he loved my brother.  i worked hard to have perfect grades, to play the piano as perfectly as i could, to get involved in sports, if not by playing them, by working as a statistician for our school basketball teams.  i even tried out for the junior high basketball team, and the coach, a kind and sensitive man, saw how much it meant for me to be accepted by my friends who were good players, at least let me put on a suit and sit on the bench.  i knew, though, that my talents were not sufficient and after a year of bench-warming, i gave up playing for keeping records for all the ball teams at our small school.

by the time i reached high school, my father began to take more interest in my pursuits and encouraged me in them.  other adults in the community would tell me how my father bragged when i won some academic or musical honor, though he seldom told me himself that he was proud of me.  just knowing that he was present at my performances and seeing the smile on his face when i played well made me aware that he had finally accepted the fact that i was my own person.  i knew that, though i had not turned out as he would have wished, i was someone he could take pride in calling his son, and our relationship improved as i became a man, though i could never say that we were close in the way my younger brother and sister were close to him.

all through my life, i can see that i did things that caused harm to others in my desire to be accepted by authority figures in my life.  i tried to ingratiate myself with my superiors, often at the expense of undercutting others, even my dearest friends.  i can now see that my behavior stemmed from my desire to be loved and accepted by my father.  i don't blame him for my own mistakes.  as he became older and told me of his life growing up, i learned that his own father was absent most of the time, commuting to a distant business he owned and only coming home on weekends.  i learned that his young life had been a competition with his older brother for their father's affections, that, while his brother was the obedient and ingratiating son, my father felt pushed aside by his own father.  i could see that many of my dad's actions were patterned after those of his father, even while he resented and rebelled against him and his older brother.  it's very true that the sins of the parents are often visited on their children.  certain ways of being persist across generations until someone has the insight to break with them when they are harmful.

i hope that i have developed some of that insight.  from the lives of my own children, i know that they feel loved and accepted by me and that have grown into loving adults who have great compassion for others.  i was surprised recently when something i posted on facebook caused friends from my past to reach out and make comments that were surprising to me.  one wrote that my smile had made him and others so happy in high school.  another wrote that i was a "great guy."  a friend who had been close at one time, but for some reason that i never understood had cut off ties with me abruptly and without explanation many years ago, wrote kind comments that indicated a desire to rekindle our friendship.  suddenly i realized that i had magnified my mistakes in my own mind and that others had a very different picture of me than i had of myself.  that doesn't excuse the hurts i caused, but it does make me realize that those hurts may not have been as great as i imagined them to be.  my suffering has been out of proportion to the misdeeds i committed, and i am beginning to let go of that pain.

this has been a longer post than is normal for me.  i've said some things that i need to say and the writing of them has been cathartic.  may we each be able to let go of the suffering that the past causes us.  may we forgive those whose actions have prompted our suffering, even though it is our perceptions, not their actions, that has caused us to suffer.  may we try to understand ourselves and others, realizing that we all suffer together and have need for healing.  may we extend compassion and love to ourselves as well as to others.  shalom.

When Sorrows Like Sea Billows Roll

i continue to follow news of the effects of the covid-19 virus on our country and the world.  i watch as deaths and infections increase but i watch, too, as news of hard-won recoveries take place.  i see the horror in care homes for the elderly as large numbers of these vulnerable older people die, separated from their loved ones who often don't learn of their illnesses or deaths for some time.  now we are witnessing the lunacy of protestors demanding an end to the restrictions that are helping to keep us safe, people who seem to believe that their "liberties" are being taken away and who think that going back to work is more important than life itself.  their ire is fueled by right-wing groups, supported it seems by wealthy backers who aren't making enough money while many sectors of the economy are dormant and by a president who talks out of both sides of his mouth, encouraging the protests while claiming to back the governors who have ordered the safety measures that are being protested against.

our lack of direction and the failures of the federal government to deal with our present situation have been a great worry to me.  for weeks i have felt a general sense of anxiety and unease.  i have come to the conclusion that there is no point in worrying about these larger matters that i cannot change or influence.  i am trying to spend time recognizing my state of mind so that i can let it go.  after all, the only thing i can do is to take steps to keep myself safe and to work with my wife so that we both can stay as healthy as possible.  one of the good things that has come of our spending more time together and at home is the enjoyment of joint pursuits: doing work around the house, playing games, and spending more time in conversation.  we have both been surprised that we haven't gotten on each others' nerves as much as we thought we would and at how compatible and happy we are with each other.  another couple that we are close to seem to have had the opposite experience.  it hurts us to see them squabbling and complaining about each other.  we are thankful that our experience has been so different.

there are other results of this time of suffering that have been beneficial.  we have been in touch with friends that we haven't spoken to for some time.  we have seen many acts of kindness in our community and in the world at large.  we've been more appreciative of the beauty of the natural world around us.  certainly, we long to travel, to go to movies and concerts, to see our friends from church, and to go out to eat.  those opportunities will return, and we will take advantage of their return when we feel it is safe for us to do so.  until then, there are these other compensations that i hope we will continue to enjoy after the current restrictions are no longer necessary.

may each of us find peace in the midst of this period of adversity.  may we do what we can to stay safe and to help those we love stay healthy.  may we be thankful for this opportunity to examine what is most important in life, even as we are surrounded by illness and death.  may we reflect on those things that bring us joy now and in a future that is less restrictive once this virus is better understood and less threatening.  shalom.

The Sweet Compassion of Your Face

i cannot escape thoughts of the effects of covid-19 on our lives.  the absence of interaction with others outside my home, missing out on movies and concerts, not being able to go out to eat--all of these have left a hole in my life that is painful.  yet there is much to be thankful for:  my wife and i and our children are virus-free so far, there are only three confirmed cases of the virus in our county and just over one thousand in our state, the one person that we know who is infected appears to be recovering slowly in a hospital, our income is intact and our children can work from home.  reminding myself of this helps to ease the fear of this scourge and the pain of isolation.

it seems that the price we are paying as a society is slowing the spread of the virus, though for many that price is terrible.  what must it be like to have the worry of providing the necessities of life for oneself and one's family without a steady income on top of the toll of social isolation and anxiety about infection!  now we hear the drumbeat of those who argue that the devastation closing down large swaths of the economy is too great, that we must begin easing the restrictions various levels of government have imposed to keep us safe.  this past week, i was astounded to hear a close friend say that the media is making too much of this pandemic.  he went to say that many of those who have died from the disease had other terminal illnesses that would have killed them anyway, so their deaths should not be counted in the total of deaths from the virus.  i immediately knew that fox news was the source of his words, as he echoed a comment by bill o'reilly on a recent program on that network when the commentator said that many of those who had died from the virus were on their last legs anyway and so we shouldn't be too upset by their deaths.  i was troubled by my friend's criticism of the media and his indifference to the suffering of those who have died and that of their families.  these are the attitudes of those who clamor for opening up the economy and easing many of the restrictions that have slowed the progression of infection.  they believe that financial well-being is more important that life itself.  what is life worth if all around others are suffering and dying so that we have more money in our pockets?  can't we bear some inconvenience and help each other out financially in order to allow more people to live through this?

one of the functions of government is to sustain us in times like these.  it seems that there is agreement across party lines on this one issue, that it is the function of those in power to provide a lifeline to those in need during this time.  if the executive branch of the federal government can soon figure out how to distribute the appropriations congress has passed, there should be income arriving in the hands of those who need it so desperately.  maybe that will get us through this so that we can arrive at a point where it is safe to end the business closings and people can return to work.  being too hasty to restart the economy is not the answer to our problem; doing this will only compound our dilemma.

may we stay the course until we reach the end of this terrible time.  may we put people ahead of monetary gain.  may we reach out to one another in whatever ways we can while using good judgment to keep ourselves safe.  may those who are making great sacrifices and putting their lives at risk to care for the sick have the equipment they need.  may we learn from the mistakes we have made in the early stages of this pandemic so that these lapses are not repeated.  may we support one another rather than tearing others down.  may we be filled with love and compassion and may we be well.  shalom.

Heaven's Boundless Arch I See

the spread of the covid-19 virus in the united states continues, and though, as i wrote in my last post, we have not-too-distant kin who have been infected, for the most part the only effect on our lives has been some minor inconvenience.  we can't go out to eat, go to the movies, or attend concerts.  we can't attend church activities.  we can't travel.  otherwise, our lives are much the same as they were before the virus struck.  we are very fortunate.  our children have jobs that allow them to work from home, and so far they don't have to worry about their income being cut off.  my wife and i have pensions that seem to be on solid financial grounds despite the drop in the financial markets, so our income seems assured.  we are fearful each time we must go out to buy groceries and take extra precautions when handling the items we've bought.  other than that, we are largely unaffected by this pandemic.

so many millions of others are not so fortunate.  in addition to the fear of becoming infected, they must figure out how to get by without jobs.  suddenly their lives are filled with anxiety about how to keep a roof over their heads and how to feed themselves and their families.  they are without health insurance that their now-defunct jobs provided, so they must worry about what will happen if a medical emergency arises.  the government has promised help but that help seems to be slow in coming.  in the meantime, they must deal with the realities of their situation.

our flourishing economy has ground to a halt.  no one knows when it will pick up again.  the leadership of the government seems unable to reassure us.  recommendations change almost daily.  the president holds press briefings that seem more designed to give himself pats on the back and promote his re-election than to inform the american people.  what words of comfort he utters are read from a script in a monotone voice that lack sincerity.  we listen to state governors who beg for needed supplies for their states' medical professionals, and the president seems more intent on criticizing them that on solving the problem.  we watch the stark contrast between the competency of the governor of new york and the ineptness of the president and his administration.  we hear facts from national health care experts that are contradicted by the president.  we are left worried and afraid.  this seems to be a design for even greater disaster than otherwise might have been the case.  in the end, it seems to be a survival-of-the-fittest situation when our ability to care for one another should be the focus of our battle against this crisis.

close to home, two charitable organizations in our community are in dire straits because they are dependent on now-shuttered thrift stores they operated to generate income for their work.  they are begging our people for donations so they can continue their missions.  our state is one of the few that has not adopted stringent shelter-in-place measures, and, as we travel to the grocery store, things seem to be business as usual for the most part.  most stores are open.  traffic is as busy as ever, except at night.  despite our governor's refusal to follow the lead of most of the other governors in the country, the spread of covid-19 in our state has not taken off as it has in neighboring states.  perhaps that is because we are a less densely populated state with few metropolitan concentrations of people.  if the governor's figures are correct, even with a shelter-in-place order the vast majority of our workers are employed by what would be designated as essential businesses while a smaller, but significant, number of people would be forced to lose their jobs in order to stay at home while their employers close up shop.  maybe he has made the right call, but many of us wish he would err on the side of caution and issue the order that might protect our people more.

for the present, we are filled with uncertainty.  we are apprehensive as the pandemic sickens and kills more people and the economic toll grows.  some of use are little affected by the financial distress caused by the situation and suffer the small inconvenience of restricted activities while we remain in good health.  others are devastated by the illness and the loss of income, as well as the social restrictions.  we yearn for better direction from our leaders and wish they would show both compassion and the wisdom to rely on science rather than whims and hunches.  we want to help those who are suffering so much but there seems little we can do beyond trying to use good judgment so that we remain healthy.

may we quiet our minds and think rationally during this crisis.  may we look deep into our hearts for compassionate responses to the suffering we see all around us.  may we care for one another.  may we communicate with others who may be lonely and fearful in whatever way we can in the age of social distancing.  may we be at peace and use our time at home in the most productive ways we can.  shalom.