Candles in the Window, Carols at the Spinet

i began writing a post last week but in the busy-ness of christmas, i never completed it.  so today, i'll try again.  i'm reflecting back on our christmas with our children.  they came to spend the weekend before christmas with us, and that's when we had our family celebration.  we had a great time opening our gifts to one another, playing games, visiting, and eating delicious food.  they had to leave on the monday before christmas to get back to jobs and other family get-togethers, and our house became a little quieter.  i have to admit that it was nice to have our home to ourselves, although we hated to see the children leave.

after they left, it became apparent how different the christmases of our youth had been for my wife and me.  i remember the holidays of my childhood as wondrous times, with delicious aromas coming from the kitchen as my mother prepared special dishes all through the season.  there were parties at school and at church.  since my birthday is a little more than a week before christmas day, my annual birthday party and gifts were part of the season, too.  on december 25 we always went to one of my grandparent's homes, usually that of my maternal grandparent's.  my mother's mother prepared a sumptuous feast with pork roast, turkey, chicken and dressing, vegetables, iced tea, and rich desserts accompanied by the most wonderful coffee, which we all drank, from the youngest to the oldest.  my many cousins would all be there, and we played with our gifts.  it was a noisy, fun-filled day.  at the end of it, we cousins often spent the night with our grandparents and continued the fun the next day.  it was fun, too, when we went to the home of my father's parents, but they were more staid, and the cousins on that side of the family were not as rambunctious.  the whole month of december was the happiest time of the year, and i carry those memories into every holiday season in my adult life.  i anticipate that special time of the year all year long, and i can never get enough christmas.

my wife, on the other hand, doesn't remember her childhood christmases as being that special.  her father believed that idle hands were the devil's workshop and made certain that his four daughters always had plenty of work to do.  while they exchanged family gifts on christmas, and santa brought a few presents, there were no extended family gatherings and no feasts.  because her mother had to work to help support the family, there were no special dishes prepared and, because their income was meager, there were few gifts under the tree.  for her father, christmas was observed grudgingly, as a few hours of leisure that interrupted the work he felt all the family must be engaged in to keep evil from creeping into their lives.  for him, anything that brought joy just be viewed with some suspicion, lest the devil get a foothold in the minds of him and his family.

as a result, once the gifts are exchanged in our home, for my wife christmas is over.  it's time to take down the decorations and for life to get back to normal.  this is always painful for me, because i want christmas to go on and on.  i want to delay the packing up and clearing away until sometime in the first week of the new year.  this difference always brings tension in our lives, even after fifty-one christmases together.  as i've gotten to know my wife better, i've come to understand how her background affects the way she thinks of christmas, and, for her, it is a bittersweet time, since her childhood memories are not all good ones.  the first day after our family christmas is always hard for me, and i feel great sadness and anxiety as she begins to remove the christmas decor from around the house.  i usually have to leave that to her on that first day of "undecorating" and make myself scarce.  by the second day, i'm ready to help, though somewhat grudginly, as i remind myself of why she feels the need to get christmas over with.  i've talked with one of her sister's husbands about this, and there is the same division in their household about his wife's compulsion to put everything away immediately.  he and their children are always a bit angry about her hurry to be done with christmas, but they, too, have come to understand why she feels as she does.

we carry our childhoods with us into our adult lives.  learning to understand how the childhood of a spouse affects their adult attitudes and actions is an important part of marriage.  my wife loves to hear me tell of the happy family times i had as a child in our large, close-knit family, but the contrast with her own childhood causes a tinge of sadness as well.  we've worked hard to understand one another and to give our children the happiest upbringing we could.  i think we've largely succeeded in both efforts.  christmas is one of those times when our differences growing out of our early years is a source of conflict and a time to work harder at having empathy for one another.  so now that everything is put away, our house is cleaned top to bottom, and normalcy has returned, i have to say i'm glad another christmas has come and gone.  it was great fun while it lasted, and i can look forward to the next christmas, eagerly anticipating all the fun it will bring.

may we learn from one another.  may we be patient with one another.  may we not be stubborn in insisting that our own way is the best way.  most of all, may love, compassion, and kindness take precedence over all other emotions and ways of being.  shalom.

All Loves Excelling

during the past several days, i've been beginning each part of my morning meditation with the words, "o divine love."  after each formal affirmation, each "may i," i continue to think those words through the remainder of my meditation time.  as i've done that, i've begun noticing a change in my thought patterns and in the way i consider God.  there's been a perceptible softening of my attitudes towards myself and others.  i've begun to see that thinking of God as "divine love" takes me beyond the god of the bible, the god of the church, and seeing God as the encapsulation of love that cannot be bound by our narrow conceptions, a love that is unconditional, boundless, incapable of doing harm, infinitely good.  such a God is far greater than the small god that wreaks havoc on those who fail to worship correctly, the god of vengeance that much of the bible describes, the god who choose one particular tribe of people over all the others in the world.

as i examine the life of jesus, i am inclined to believe that this was what he intended: to change our conception of God, indeed to introduce us to a God that is so different from the traditional understanding as to be another God altogether.  in referring to God as "father," jesus conveys an idea of God as a loving protector, not a god to be feared, not a god who will punish every violation of every petty rule.  i fear that we've substituted just this type of god for the God of jesus as we've made christianity a religion of rules and rituals just as the religious of jesus' day had done.  the God of jesus transcends the narrow bounds of judaism and christianity.  Divine Love is a God who is beyond religion, the summation of the deepest meanings of compassion and lovingkindness.

in worshiping the God who is Divine Love we invite that love into our own hearts.  we have the capacity for infinite forgiveness and kindness towards others.  we see that love can inhabit of every human heart, and we need not fear others because of superficial differences.  by opening our hearts to unselfish, compassionate love, we participate in the divine, and the divine becomes a part of us and we a part of the divine.

may we embrace this sort of love during this season of love, carrying it into all the rest of our days.  may we abandon antipathy towards other religions and distrust of those who embrace other faiths or no faith at all.  may we all be one in love.  shalom.

We Need A Little Christmas

the christmas season is upon us.  as i look around in our house, there are santas, angels, snow people, fairy houses, lighted trees, snow globes, gaily wrapped packages, crèches, and sleighs everywhere.  outside the house, in front and back, there are wreaths, garlands, trees, and santas, all lit in the darkness of night.  we watch our favorite christmas movies, some sappy and filled with clichés, others moving, but all fun to watch nevertheless.  it is a magical time of year.

the wonderful fictions that have come together to create our american christmas are largely the inventions of charles dickens, clement moore, st. matthew, and st. luke.   as with everything else "american," our christmas is a blend of traditions from many places.  without the dutch settlers of new york we might have a very different santa claus or none at all,  without our german forbears we might not see christmas trees everywhere, and in many different regions of the country we experience the contributions of hispanic culture, african culture, and other ethnic cultures.  if it had been left to the puritans, those "pilgrims" that are recalled each thanksgiving, we might not be celebrating christmas at all.

sometimes i think we go too far in our political correctness in excluding religious traditions when we try to be inclusive in our christmas observances and decor, but i worry, too, that many are pushed aside by the insistence that christmas is strictly a christian holiday.  i tire of hearing that "jesus is the reason for the season," when for many jesus is not the reason at all.  mr. trump and his ilk are insistent that we must wish everyone a "merry christmas," since extending a "happy holidays" greeting would "de-christianize" christmas.  maybe in their minds, only christians should have a christmas.

what is it about christmas that transcends religion?  peace on earth and good will to all are certainly things that should hoped for, and christmas reminds us how important those hopes are.  generosity and providing for those in need are other traits of the season that remind us that we should keep christmas in our hearts all year round, as mr. dickens suggested through the words of ebenezer scrooge.  spreading light throughout a darkened world, refusing to keep our lamp hidden under a bushel, is another of the important messages of christmas.  these are ideals that are not the exclusive property of christianity but ones that are shared by all religions and by those who endorse no religion.  if we are truly generous, we won't celebrate christmas only as a christian holiday but as a universal holiday that reminds us of all that is good about humanity.

may we see in christmas an opportunity to renew our belief in the goodness of each person.  may we fill our lives with peace and good will.  may we carry the message of christmas into every day of the year.  may all that is good be the real reason for the season.  shalom.

Love One Another Right Now

we spent the week of thanksgiving visiting relatives some distance away.  one of those we visited had experienced deep suffering in her childhood and in her first marriage, leaving her bitter and difficult to get along with.  each time we leave her home after a visit, we feel like never coming back, but we always do because of our familial relationship with her and our desire not to cause her further anguish.

in thinking of her bitterness and deep-seated mental trauma, i was reminded of how much we cause suffering for ourselves by our refusal to let go of the past.  certainly the past is always with us, it is a part of who we are, but, by recalling past hurts and failing to deal with the causes of those hurts, we allow them to injure us over and over.  the question is how to resolve the causes of our pains so that we do not continue to experience them repeatedly.  holding onto our anger at those who injured us and revisiting every incident when another harmed us prevents us from ever letting go of our suffering.

in the case of our relative, it may be that our visits are difficult for her, because our presence reminds her of the past.  our relative has never forgiven either the man who caused the physical injuries or the woman who failed to prevent them.  being able to put the past behind us can only happen when we are able to forgive.  we can only forgive when we understand the reasons another harmed us, when we see the causes of the suffering in them that caused them to want us to suffer.  unless we can understand and forgive, we perpetuate our own suffering and inflict it on others.  it is our responsibility not only to ourselves, but to others, to end the cycle of abuse that can so easily go from one generation to the next.

may we seek to understand so that we can forgive.  may we learn the power of forgiveness to end our continual pain.  may we not injure ourselves over and over.  may we not cling to the hurts of the past as we try to love without condition..  shalom.