When Disappointment, Grief, and Fear Are Gone

i continue to struggle with my mind.  progress is being made, i think, but i'm still far from perfect.  i am able to step back and see my mind working, worrying, fighting for control.  for instance, i learned yesterday that the airline schedule for our upcoming trip to canada had been changed by the airline.  a flight from toronto to vancouver had been canceled, and the airline had booked us onto another flight.  the change resulted in a seven-hour layover in toronto with an arrival time in vancouver just after midnight on the next day.  this change was inconvenient, costly, and disastrous to our ongoing travel arrangements.  we had purchased this particular itinerary in order to meet the couple who would be traveling with us in time to drive to our first destination the afternoon of our arrival.  the airline's change made it impossible for us to get to our first destination in time and would necessitate an extra overnight stay in vancouver, where hotels prices are exorbitant, as well as causing our friends to have a 12-hour wait in the vancouver airport.

i went to bed last night, determined to put this irritant out of my mind until i could deal with it today.  my mind wouldn't quit rehashing all the problems that the airline's flight cancellation caused and how to best deal with them.  i labeled what my mind was doing and tried to step back and observe what was going on in my head.  ultimately, i was successful, and sleep came.  in the middle of the night, i awakened, and my mind got busy worrying once more.  again, i watched it, labeled my worrying thoughts, and sleep came again.

i wish that i had been successful in my initial desire to postpone resolving this problem.  my mind had other ideas, though, and sought to control me with worries that were unnecessary.  today, i feel much better, knowing that i saw what my mind was doing and dealt with it, just as i will work towards a solution to my travel dilemma later this morning.  as i sit here, i am reflecting back on the previous days, weeks, and months.  i can't remember another instance in the past couple of years when worries had kept me awake.  knowing this demonstrates that something profound has happened in the way my true self has stepped away from the stories my mind uses in its attempts to convince me that what i think is really who i am.  i can see more clearly that my mind is a tool that i can use but it is not "me."

may we allow our true selves to rule our minds, not the other way around.  may we see that the vagaries of life can either be resolved or else accepted when solutions can't be found.  may we realize that worrying is a tactic our minds use to control us.  may we find the inner peace that only comes with ceasing to identify with our minds.  shalom.