we were talking with another couple our age a few days ago about how our views of our parents have changed as we've gotten older. this came up when one of us made a remark about one of our children never coming to help us with anything. we all remembered that as our fathers aged, we never thought of them as getting old. in our younger days, we seemed to think that our fathers would be with us forever, that they were just as capable of handling all their responsibilities like mowing the yard and trimming the shrubs as they had been when we were growing up. now that we are up in years, we see that they could have used our help. their stamina made it more difficult for them to take care of everything around their homes, but we couldn't see that until we ourselves were at the same point in our lives.
our attitudes towards our mothers were different, though. as our mothers aged, we felt the need to help them and made many trips to do things for them that we didn't do for our fathers. i was the only participant in the conversation whose father had outlived his wife. my wife and i did many things for her mother after my wife's father died, but we didn't do any of those things for my father after my mother died. it wasn't that i didn't love my father. i just had a different attitude about him and his needs than i did about my wife's mother. as i look back, i can see that much of that had to do with sexism. in my mind, my wife's mother was weaker and needed help; my father, being a male, was stronger and, because he was a man, was able to look after himself without my help. i know now that i was wrong. he could have used my help but i failed to see it.
now i am in the same position. i don't blame my son for not coming over to help me with chores that are difficult for me. i'm sure he feels as i did--that his father is indestructible, forever young. if i were to die, he would probably come to his mother's aid to see that physically demanding chores around the house were taken care of. one day, he will see, as i do now, that as we get older we can't get things done as quickly as we used to and some things must be left for others to do because we can't do them for ourselves. i don't regret not helping my dad. he probably would have resented me "taking over" those tasks that had become difficult for him, just as i resist asking my own son for help. i'm simply amazed that i see through different eyes now than i did not so many years ago. in many ways i have become my dad and my son has become me.
may we understand how we are all related, how each of us changes with the passage of time. may we see that the vantage point of youth is different from that of old age and have compassion for one another no matter at what stage of life we find ourselves. may we know that we are all sons and fathers, daughters and mothers, each of us part of the same family. may we be slow to condemn and quick to love. shalom.
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