meditation has a way of bringing back memories, especially of those events and actions in our lives that we regret. often as i meditate, some past hurt or mistake comes to the surface, and i relive it as if it had just happened. i suppose it is our minds trying to distract us from the present moment, asserting itself to take control again. our mind may be saying, "i'm in control, i won't let you enjoy the present because you're leaving me out." at those times, i am suddenly reminded that my mind isn't "me." these thoughts, these stories are not who i am, nor am i the same person who made those past mistakes or endured those past hurts.
how do we forgive ourselves for the past? one way may be to realize that the past has a way of taking us over that far exceeds its real importance. when i think of some way i should have acted better in the distant past, i have to remind myself that those who were most affected by my actions or words have probably long forgotten them. what i did or said is likely to have had a far greater effect on me, plunging me into fits of regret and despair that still haunt my mind, while they shrugged it off and moved on without little or no thought. i am reminded of my paternal grandmother who worried constantly about ways she had injured others, enduring countless headaches and sleepless nights wishing she could take back her actions or words. yet i can't think of a single time that she ever was mean to me or any other person. her faults were of her own making and were invisible to those around her, but they tormented her throughout her life.
these minds of ours can be terrible things, conjuring up torments that we inflict on ourselves and, if we allow it, on others. it is all too easy to let our minds create scapegoats to alleviate our suffering, blaming the machinations of our minds on some "other" who can take the blame. we can't admit that it is we who create our own suffering and refuse to let it go. our lives are filled with "if onlies," when what we need to do is to realize that this present moment is perfect, as good as it gets, and relish each breath that gives us life. so many of the evils of the world result from our inability to accept life on its own terms, to realize that we all make mistakes, and to move on from those mistakes. we must not let the dark corners of our minds control us. we must learn to say no to our mind's attempts to take us away from our present enjoyment and to lure us to a past that everyone but us has forgotten.
may we let go of the past, learning what lessons we can from it without allowing it to make us miserable in the present. may we realize that the little "i" of our minds is not the focus of everyone else's reality, that we magnify our own importance in the overall scheme of things. may we understand that our minds are not who we are. may we learn to love ourselves so that we can truly love others. shalom.
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