Like an Ever-Rolling Stream

do you find yourself anxious from time to time, having set an artificial deadline to accomplish something or to be somewhere?  i know i do.  i decide that i must be dressed and out the door to head to the grocery store or some such at a certain time.  it's not that i have an appointment that i must keep.  i've just set that goal for myself, and, when i see i'm not going to make it, i become anxious.  this is an old habit that is difficult to break.  as i sense this feeling of anxiety coming in, i remind myself that the deadline is one of my own making.  i don't have to be where i'm going by a certain time.  no one is expecting me to be there.  i've created an unnecessary goal and then made myself suffer because i may not accomplish it.

i suspect that most of us do this sort of thing, especially if we're goal-oriented and overly time-conscious.  now that i'm retired, i don't have a lot of appointments to keep.  i don't have to be at work on time, and i don't have work-imposed deadlines to meet.  i have some meetings to attend occasionally, but most of those can go on if i'm late or if i don't make them at all.  i have doctor appointments from time to time, and i'm scrupulous about being on time for them.  other than that, i can pretty much ignore the clock.

i've been trying to step back from my mind-controlled time-goal addiction and see it for what it is: another opportunity for my monkey brain to control me.  i catch my mind chattering away, fussing at me for taking so long to get ready as it tells me that i'm not going to accomplish my self-imposed goal.  i don't have to hurry.  i can take another five or thirty minutes and still have plenty of time to do what i need to do.  nothing bad will happen if i don't meet my needless challenge, except that i'll feel unreasonably guilty.  this is a difficult habit to break, and i'll continue to work on it the rest of my life, i imagine.

may we see the guilt we create for ourselves for what it is: the mind's desire to control.  may we step away from such habitual self-induced regret producers.  may we see that hurrying usually creates mistakes and may we let go of the need to be controlled by both our internal and external clocks.  may we rejoice in the present moment, rather than destroying the joy we could find there by creating a future goal that is unnecessary.  shalom.