A Word That's Soft and Gentle

for the past week, one of my wife's female relatives has been staying with my wife's sister and her husband.  this relative is older than my wife and her sister.  her life, to hear her tell it, has been a series of misfortunes, from her childhood growing up with an abusive father to her present situation with her terminally ill husband, who treats her abominably.  she has moved into a new home, which she helped select, and hates it because it is too small and lacks many of the amenities she would like to have.  she moved from a lovely home, which was custom built to her specifications, which she hated because of its location.  her daughter, an only child, talks her into decisions that are ostensibly for the best but which appear to be intended to enhance the value of the daughter's inheritance when her mother passes away.  when we are with her, all is doom and gloom.  life holds no joy for her and never has.  she has no friends, because no one is perfect enough for her.  those who try to befriend her are pushed away by her constant complaints and criticisms.

my wife and i feel sorry for her and wish that we could help her.  we know that any attempts to help will be rebuffed and that she will assign some selfish motive to our compassion.  when we try to carry on a conversation with her, our comments are cut short by an angry reply or seen as an opportunity for her to complain about her plight.  we can only wish her a happier life and refuse to allow her negativity to stop us from caring for her.  we've come to understand that her constant complaining and belittling of others is her way of coping with life and that she finds a certain joy in seeing her misfortunes, many caused by her own choices, as her lot.  she sees life as a card game, in which those around her always have the best hands, while she is the eternal loser.

we've all known people like this, people who walk around with a cloud over their heads, like the character in the old "li'l abner" comic strip.  such folks seem to enjoy the pain caused as they wound themselves over and over with the same arrows.  not content to suffer once because of an injury, they inflict the suffering over and over as they recount their "bad luck" repeatedly.  like my relative by marriage, they dwell on childhood traumas and fill themselves with hatred for those who caused those traumas.  they would rather complain about problems over and over than find solutions for them.

may we refuse to let the bitterness and anger of others cause us to feel bitter and angry.  may we summon up as much compassion as we can for those who delight in suffering and in complaining to us about their suffering.  may we see the harm we do to ourselves when we wound ourselves repeatedly with the same arrow.  may we not wallow in our own misery, pushing others away as we do so.  may we find joy in life rather than dwelling on the things that don't work out as we might wish.  shalom.  

Enjoy Yourself While You're Still in the Pink

i am under the weather now, recovering from a medical procedure.   i simply don't have the energy to write but hope to be back in the pink by next week.  until then may we all be filled with lovingkindness and compassion.  may we be well.  may we be peaceful and at ease.  may we be happy.  shalom.

Forgive, O Lord, Our Severing Ways

like many others, i tend to hold onto the past.  as i look around my home, i see many things that connect me to my forbears--my paternal grandfather's pocketwatch, furniture and decorative pieces from my parents' home, kitchen items that belonged to my maternal grandmother.  in our garage covered by an old bedspread, there sits a beautiful loveseat that was in my grandmother's living room.  i can't bear to part with it, even though we don't have room for it inside our home.  my first cousin who lives about four hours from us has agreed to take it, but we haven't had a chance to carry it to her.  without too much thought, i could list others belongings that have been passed down through our families.

just as we cling to objects from our past, we enshrine ideas and beliefs, not because they are right and true, but because we inherited them from those who have gone before.  my beloved grandparents appear in my mind as perfect, saintly individuals.  i know that they had flaws, just as we all do.  in my minds' eye, it is easy to overlook their faults and see idealized versions of them.  we do the same with historical figures.  we think of george washington as the boy who could not tell a lie and the symbolic father of our country.  we see thomas jefferson as a figure who embodied the noblest traits of american democracy.  for most of us, benjamin franklin was an astute statesman, a brilliant inventor, a daring experimenter, and a font of practical wisdom.  this is true of all these figures, but they, too, were imperfect.  because we have created unrealistic versions of them in our minds, learning of their faults seems all the more damning.

one of our great national shortcomings is our failure to recognize the past for what it is: a history filled with high ideals and the most profound cruelty.  as a child, i was taught a story of our country that is far from the truth.  we were told in school that robert e. lee, the leader of the confederate army, was a great man who chose family and his native state over country, that he led his soldiers to protect all that he held dear from destruction by the federal forces.  we were told that in the aftermath of the civil war, greedy northerners came to the former confederacy and took everything they could by causing the election of uneducated former slaves to state legislatures where they imposed high taxes on hardworking white southerners so they could take their lands.  all this was a way of disguising our collective guilt and that of our ancestors for the horror of slavery.

even the capture and enslavement of africans was disguised.  we were taught that, for the most part, slave owners were benevolent masters who provided nice housing for their slaves and who saw that these slaves were fed and well cared for.  we sang songs like "old black joe" and "carry me back to old virginny" that painted a picture of a bucolic south where happy slaves "labored so hard for old 'massa'."  our history books had us believe that these slaves were better off than they would have been as free people in africa, where they would have had to endure constant battle with other african clans and enslavement by their own people.  the sad truth is that many white southerners continue to believe these falsehoods.  they fear people of color and work to deprive them of equal treatment under the law and the right to vote.  as i write, predominantly white state legislatures are passing laws that disenfranchise black and hispanic voters.  laws are being put in place that make it illegal for schools to teach a true version of american history and to discuss past and current racism.

thus our great national sin is glossed over and those who were so cruelly treated continue to be deprived of their rights under our constituion.  may we admit our failure to live up to our ideals.   may we live as though all people are "created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights."  may we do what we can to make amends for our past failures.  may our compassion extend to all people.  shalom.

Take a Sad Song

the other morning when i awakened, i had an inexplicable feeling of deep sadness.  normally i'm an optimistic person.  i usually feel that, despite all the troubles in the world, good will triumph over evil, love over hate, generosity over greed.  yet from the moment i opened my eyes, it seemed that things were hopeless.  after the last election which gave democrats control of both the white house and congress, i thought that our country would make progress towards enacting an agenda that would help all americans.  that has not happened.  millions are being displaced and all that they have worked for is being destroyed by a needless war in ukraine.  state legislatures in many states are passing laws that harm women, gay and trans youth, and educators.  these same legislatures are restricting voting rights and drawing electoral maps intended to insure republican dominance at the state and national levels.  inflation has surged and taken a bite out of the income of the most vulnerable sectors of our population, and government seems all but powerless to curtail rising prices.  the supreme court seems poised to undo a woman's right to control her own body and has moved far to the right.

it appeared that everywhere i looked, there was little reason to feel good about the direction things were going in the world and in our country.   over the several days between then and now little has changed, but my feeling of despair has eased.  i'm still troubled by the events that were the reasons for my sadness, but my mood has gradually altered.  i now see that what is happening is not a permanent state of affairs.  the pendulum will swing back towards a more progressive mindset in the electorate of our country.  as the economy stabilizes, inflation will ease.  there are indications that the sanctions imposed on russia by western governments are having some effect on the russians' will to wage war against ukraine.  

i suppose the feeling of powerlessness for one individual like me to change the course of national and world events is natural.  now i realize that there are things i can do to make the world a better place, even though i can't affect major crises in the world.  i can vote for candidates that support progressive government policies and encourage others to do the same.  i can live in such a way that my kindness may make the world a better place in the hope that others will be moved to live kinder, more compassionate lives.  i can support causes that help the ukrainian people.  

may we realize our limitations and do what we can to make life better for ourselves and others in whatever ways we can.  may we be the pebble that creates ripples that carry far beyond our point of immediate impact.  may we love even when it seems that our love makes little difference in the grand scheme of things.  may we accept our feelings even when they are feelings of hopelessness and despair.  shalom.

To Know Is to Love

in this country, participation in churches is declining.  the church where i play three sundays per month has only about fifty regular attendees, and the church of which i am a member has seen its membership decline dramatically over the past several years.  in both churches, fewer young couples with children are active participants.  the percentage of retirees in the congregations is much larger than was the case ten years ago.  as older members have died, fewer younger members have taken their places.

this trend is evident across our nation.  the suspension of in-person worship and other church programs during covid has taken a toll.  many people have become accustomed to watching church services from home and have not returned to church now that restrictions on attendance have been lifted.  this stay-at-home worship has turned active participants into observers so that the sense of being a part of a group has become weaker.  to my surprise, i have learned that i feel less motivated to attend worship on sundays when i don't play for a service.  the thing i miss is the connection to others rather than the content of the service.  now that the danger of becoming infected with covid has lessened, i achieve that connection by participating in other activities, such as our monthly senior luncheon, and visiting with others who are in the building when i go to practice.  i suspect others have had similar experiences now that we have entered this period after the greatest threat from covid has passed.

i don't know how churches can continue to keep their doors open, as their membership and revenue decline.  as income declines, there is less money to pay for staffing, leading to reductions in programs and greater demands on remaining staff and volunteers.  the lack of opportunities for participation exacerbates the twin problems of diminishing income and membership.   

there are many other reasons for the decline in church membership and participation.  chief among them is the decline in belief in the church's traditional teachings.  at the same time, those who hold to fundamentalist teachings, such as the condemnation of same-sex marriage and the ordination of gay clergy or opposition to abortion, have left mainline churches that have been supportive of gay and women's rights to attend non-denominational and conservative churches.  others have abandoned the church altogether because it has refused to support what they see as basic human rights.  they see churches that proclaim a message of love while individual members live as though their hearts are filled with hate.  the contrast between what the church preaches and how its members live has driven many from its doors.

may we find ways to form connections to others as church membership declines.  may we see the benefits of such ties to one another.  may we live our lives honestly and learn to love one another despite our differences in beliefs.  may we recognize the need for larger circles of caring beyond our immediate families and close friends.  if the church is to play a smaller role in our society, may we figure out how to replace it with other ways of connecting to one another.  shalom.

Good Will Towards All

i am writing this week about the concept of interdependence.  everything and everyone is connected.  we are connected to the farmers who raise our food, to the equipment the farmers use, to those who manufacture the equipment, to those who supply the raw materials from which the equipment is made, to the plants that produce the seed which grows into the food that is harvested, to those who transport the food to market, to the employees of the stores where the food is sold . . . the list could go on and on.  none of us is independent of other beings and other things.  in every facet of our lives, we could compile lists of all those people and objects on which we are dependent, and each of those lists would have multiple connections to other lists.

those who have a false conception of what individual freedom means forget how we are all connected.  no one "makes it on their own."  we all owe what we are and have to our connections to others.  we are the products of everyone who has gone before us, and we continue to exist because of our dependence on others.  we are all the children, siblings, and parents of each other.  as such, we must recognize our obligations to love and care for all of creation.  as we watch russians and ukrainians kill one another, their loss is our loss.  the world is changed by each death, no matter how far away, just as it is changed by each birth.  because a certain person in a place we may have never heard of dies, the ripples from that death flow outward to all who knew that person, to all who know those affected most intimately by that death and eventually to every person on earth.  our living and dying affect so many whose lives we touch in ways we are unaware of.

one of my favorite christmas movies is "it's a wonderful life."  in this movie, the main character has the opportunity to see what life in his town would have been like if he had never existed.  we see his brother drowning after falling through the ice in a pond because no one was there to save him.  we see his mother turned into a bitter boarding house owner after the death of her husband because no one was there to help support her as she grew old.  we see the impoverishment of the town because the building and loan that enabled many to escape poverty no longer existed.  we see a drunken druggist sent to prison because no one was there to stop him from sending a wrong prescription out to a sick person.  everywhere the main character turns, the effects of his absence from the town's life are seen.  he soon realizes that his was a life worth living and that the good he did and the sacrifices he made were important to the well-being of countless others.

we must ask ourselves what life would be like on this planet had we not existed.  did we have a good effect or a bad one?  probably the answer is a mixture of both.  we hope that, on the whole, the lives of others are better because we have lived.  if we can't live in that hope, we must make changes so that others are benefited from our having lived.  this is our karma: that others are better off or worse off for us being on this planet.  it is not that we followed the rules of a vengeful god, but rather that our kindheartedness enabled others to live happier, more fulfilling lives.

may we examine our lives to discern what actions flow from the contents of our heart.  may others benefit from our actions.  may the world be better off because we have lived.  may we recognize that we cannot exist as independent beings, that we are all interconnected with everything that exists, has existed, and will exist.  may our hearts overflow with love and good will.  shalom.

I'd Sing Out Love

it is impossible to stop thinking about the war in ukraine.  as i watch the wanton destruction of this country, individual ukrainians stand out in my mind.  their bravery in the face of the russian onslaught is inspiring.  in this post i want to write about a few who fill me with admiration.  

the most obvious hero of the war is president zelensky.  we saw his unwillingness to bow to pressure when our former president tried to intimidate him into being a partner in a failed attempt to investigate president biden's son, hunter, for his involvement in ukrainian business.  just as he refused to bow to pressure then, he has not given in to the russian tyrant and the russian armed forces.  he has rallied his people by standing firm in kyiv when he and his family could have been evacuated to safety.  as russian forces appear to be preparing for the battle for control of the ukrainian capital, he remains there, ready to fight alongside other brave ukrainians.  he exemplifies leadership at its best, as he suffers along with the people of his country in defiance of overwhelming russian military might.

i saw the video of armed men carrying the mayor of melitopol away.  we are told that the mayor, ivan fedorov, was working at his desk adorned with the ukrainian flag when his office was invaded, and he was forced to leave.  his whereabouts are unknown, and president zelenksy has called for his release by his kidnappers.  apparently, mr. fedorov refused to cooperate with occupying russian forces and was forcibly removed from office.  several thousand citizens of his city rallied in his support in the town square.  this brave young man exemplifies the unwillingness of ukrainans to bow to putin's demands and surrender their country to his control.

there was a news interview of a ukrainian-american who had returned to his birthplace to fight the russians.  he was an american citizen who had served in afghanistan in the armed forces of this country.  when he saw the desperate plight of the people of ukraine, he left the safety of the usa and went to help in their struggle.  now he is putting himself in harm's way to defend the independence of the people with whom he shares a heritage.

another news story told of several ukrainian ballet dancers, both male and female, who returned to their homeland to aid in its defense.  they could have continued their careers in western europe, but they chose to abandon them because of their love for their country.  

a young man who spoke fluent english told of his efforts to communicate with the world outside ukraine, relaying information through social media about conditions inside his country.  he told the interviewer with whom he spoke that he was not trained to fight, but he believed he could best defend his country by using his skills to tell the world of his people's struggle.

there are many other stories of brave ukrainian patriots.  in all of them, we see deep love for country, determination to prevent its takeover by putin's armed forces, and compassion for others, even for the enemy.  we are learning much about a country that many of us would have had difficulty finding on a map before this war began.  our hearts are filled with admiration for them as they fight this battle.

may we learn from the example of the ukrainian people who refuse to surrender their independence.  may we do whatever we can to assist them, even though that may mean paying a few dollars more for each tank of gas.  may we be united in our support of their efforts to repel the invaders.  may their struggle be our struggle.  shalom.