we are friends with a couple that we've known for many years. we enjoy going on trips with them, frequently go out to eat together, play cards with each other, and generally love spending time together. both the husband and wife are considerate, kind people, but in their interactions with one another they are not so kind and considerate. the wife complains about her husband frequently, and he persists in actions that he knows annoy his wife and cause extra work for her. she does not have a college degree, and he does, and he often speaks to her dismissively, suggesting in both the content of his speech and the tone of his voice that her opinion is unworthy of consideration. their son, who lives with them, speaks to his mother in the same manner, no doubt taking his cue from his father without realizing what he is doing.
it pains us to see how they treat each other. my wife is constantly telling her female friend that she doesn't understand why the couple can't just talk with each other about the things that pit them against one another and resolve these ongoing conflicts. they've been married for over fifty years, and i suppose the dynamic of their relationship has taken that long to develop and can't be changed without great effort on both their parts, something that neither husband nor wife has the inclination to do. watching them together has made my wife and i more conscious of how we treat one another, and i think we are more considerate of each other because we see how inconsiderate our friends are in their dealings with their partner.
i catch myself being curt with my wife from time to time, and i am reminded of my own imperfections and the ease with which each of us can slip into treating the person we love most with an unkindness that we would never visit on anyone else. the object of much of my meditation time lately has been becoming more mindful of how i speak to my spouse and stopping myself before i speak to her in an inconsiderate manner. we both find that, the more we treat each other with kindness and respect, the more that treatment is returned to us. i've heard it said that one can tell the true measure of a person by observing how that person behaves towards those who are dearest, and i think there's a great deal of truth in that. why is it easier to be kind to strangers and friends than it is to those we love the most? i suppose we assume that our loved ones will find forgive us more readily and tolerate our foibles more than those who know us less well.
may we work to make lovingkindness and respect the hallmarks of our interactions with every person, including those we love most. may we treat one another as we wish to be treated. may we never stop developing care for those around us, realizing that each of us can become more kind and considerate no matter how long we live. may our actions demonstrate that we love one another. shalom.
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