Walking Along the Eightfold Path

on two recent occasions, i've made remarks to my wife that she took exception to, and she's reminded me of them several times since.  i didn't mean the remarks in a hurtful way.  one comment was made in jest, the other out of frustration with myself.  as i've thought about what i said, i've been reminded of how easily words slip out of our mouths with little thought beforehand.  when i spoke, i never considered how what i said might be taken by another person.  i meant no offense or harm, yet i caused both.  it would be easy to shift the fault to my wife, blaming her for taking umbrage needlessly.  yet it is i who is at fault for speaking without mindfulness.

we have a relative who seems to always be mindful when she speaks.  every word is weighed before it is uttered, but it is quite difficult to carry on a conversation with her.  she looks for implied meanings in every sentence she hears, then chooses her words carefully in reply.  this is mindful speech taken to an extreme, and it is painful to her partners in conversation, and, in fact, conversation with her is all but impossible.

how does one speak mindfully without becoming like our relative?  i think the basis for the right speech is to have a right heart.  before one reaches the third step in the eightfold path, there are first right view (or understanding) and next right intention.  from these two qualities, flows right speech, that speech which is never intended to cause harm and which takes into consideration the perception of the object of the speech.  it is the last of these that i failed to consider.  i was not thinking of how my remarks might be perceived by my wife when i spoke.  i know that the harm that i caused will be forgiven and forgotten, because my wife knows that it would be out of character for me to cause harm by my speech, but for the present the hurt is there, though unintended.

this is the wonderful thing about love, especially a love that has matured over more than fifty years.  we know the hearts of one another and have learned to tolerate, even appreciate, the irritating quirks of each other.  we have each ceased trying to control the other and learned to accept each other just as we are.  my wife knows that i would never intentionally harm her, and i know that i would never wish to cause her pain.  words once spoken can never be taken back, one can only apologize and feel remorse for the suffering they cause another.

may we speak mindfully, remembering that there are consequences that arise from our words.  may we know that the old saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me," is patently false.  may we be aware that words can wound us deeply, and the hurt they cause can take longer to heal than a physical wound.  may our words arise from a heart filled with lovingkindness.  shalom.