recently, two people that my wife and i care for deeply have said things to us that were very hurtful. one of those who said these things was voicing some longstanding grievances he had with us, grievances that we didn't understand and that he couldn't explain to us. i thanked him for making us aware of his feelings and committed to make an effort to avoid doing anything that would cause further damage to our relationship. the other person who hurt us spoke out of anger, that anger ostensibly arising from a remark my wife had made as we were playing a game. in truth, he didn't really want to play and was irritated because his wife, my wife, and i had persuaded him to play so we would have a foursome, so his mind wasn't really on what we were doing together. my wife's reaction was one of hurt, and his outburst pretty much shut down any further conversation for the rest of the evening.
my wife and i have very different reactions when someone says hurtful things to us. i look beyond the words and try to figure out what the person's motivation was in saying words that injure. that doesn't excuse their behavior, but it does generate a sense of kindness towards them that make my wound less painful. my wife, on the other hand, becomes angry and wants to avoid contact with the other person as much as possible. after a period of time, her anger subsides, and she is able to kindle a spirit of forgiveness and move on. she has difficulty understanding how i react as i do, seeing my failure to be angry as agreement with the hurtful words that have been said, and i am troubled by what is, to me, an unnecessary anger that seems to make the hurt even more painful.
i think there is validity in both our approaches. i tend to ignore my own feelings or to examine my behavior that prompted hurtful words directed at me. this leaves me with a guarded relationship with the person who has injured me that doesn't go away until that person and i have a discussion about the incident and reach a mutual understanding. my wife's initial anger and her re-examination of the incident that causes her hurt fails to put her in the other person's shoes, so to speak, and is focused entirely on her own hurt, but once she gets past her first response and a period of avoidance and cooling down, she can put the incident in the past and come to a deeper relationship with the person who caused her anger, often after a conversation with them that gets both parties' feelings out in the open.
i suppose the key to resolution for both my wife and me is having a conversation with the person who hurt us, a conversation that occurs after we have time to reflect on the initial experience. in the heat of the moment, neither my seemingly passive reaction or my wife's intense anger is helpful in having a constructive dialogue. it is only when we get past that initial reaction and are able to address the situation with some air of detachment, to express ourselves with some objectivity, that we are able to move in the direction of healing a broken relationship. when the person who caused us pain refuses to look at things from our point-of-view or to accept any culpability in causing our hurt, we know that is a person who is isn't healthy for us to continue to have a relationship with, but more often, we are able to see fault on both sides and to move forward in the relationship.
may we each think before we speak words that cause hurt. may we learn to express ourselves honestly but without the intention of causing harm to another. may we learn to forgive without accepting blame when no cause for blame exists. may our hearts heal through the power of love. shalom.
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