last week i became quite angry with a person who is in charge of an organization to which i belong. after being out of town for almost three weeks, i felt that i should make a point to attend a meeting of this group. i had missed several meetings while i was away, and i looked forward to seeing my friends who were also members, as well as participating in the organization's work. when i showed up at the meeting place at the appointed time, i was greeted by a leader of the group who told me that the meeting had been cancelled because the paid head of the organization was out of town taking care of personal business. a few other members had shown up, but most of the members had been informed either by email or in person that the meeting would not be taking place.
i was livid that i had wasted my time preparing for the meeting and traveling across town to attend, having arranged my day so that i would be free to attend, even though i had many other tasks that needed to be done at home. i let the person who greeted me know how angry i was. i reminded her that the paid employee who is in charge of this organization is often absent for personal reasons and frequently cancels meetings with little or no notice. i said that i was tired of working in the organization when the paid staff member didn't seem to care whether the organization succeeded or failed, and i would not be returning to this group's meetings or continue my membership in the group.
i returned home and was angry for the rest of the evening. when i awoke the next morning, i was upset with myself for giving in to anger and frustration and taking it out on another person, who simply was the messenger who told me about the meeting's cancellation. i knew that i owed her an apology and as soon as it was late enough in the morning, i called her to apologize. she was very gracious and said she understood how i felt. she said she frequently felt the same way about the paid head of the organization, but she had known how this person conducted her business before taking the role she played in the group's leadership and had resigned herself to the salaried employee's frequent absences. she told me that she hoped i would reconsider my decision to resign from the organization but understood if i persisted in my decision.
as i've thought about my outburst, i have been filled with regret for having allowed myself the luxury of becoming angry and taking my anger out on an innocent bystander, "shooting the messenger" so to speak. as i've said the words of my morning meditation, i've been reminded of how i failed to put the words into practice. each morning, i pledge myself not to become angry or speak badly of another, not to be rude, but in this instance i didn't live up to my words. much of what i said and my action in resigning my membership in the organization is justified because of the leader's failure to take her paid position seriously and lead effectively, but the way in which i went about expressing myself was not justified. i've done what i could to make amends, and i've renewed my determination to turn from anger and the actions that flow from it. when i have the opportunity, i hope that i can express myself reasonably, dispassionately, and with kindness, while still conveying my reasons for leaving the group with honesty.
may we forgive ourselves when we fail to live up to our ideals. may we realize that we all make mistakes. may we learn from those mistakes and use them to reinforce the pledges we make to live ethically and with lovingkindness and compassion. may our failings point us to a future in which we are less prone to anger and one that is not filled with regrets for expressing our feelings in an unhelpful way. shalom.
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