The Evil That Men Do

often when i meditate, things that i regret pop up in my mind.  the memories of past mistakes and of hurts i have caused others appear, and i find myself wanting to go back and undo the past.  the last time this happened, i countered these unhappy thoughts by reminding myself of the good that i have done.  later as i reflected on this, i wondered why it is that when we are in the middle of meditation or in the night when we are trying to go to sleep, it is the bad that we recall.  why are our minds like this?  or is it just my mind?

i think our evolutionary past has trained us to be wary creatures, always on guard against danger that may lurk in the dark or around the next corner, fearful of the attack of some wild animal that may make us its next meal.  by nature, we are worriers.  perhaps this accounts for the penchant for recalling bad things rather than good.  we fear the consequences of our wrongs long after they have occurred and worry that something we have done has had a lasting effect on another.  we have to make ourselves recall the good that we have done.  its memory to doesn't come to us naturally.

even when we begin with the intention of recalling a good memory, it often leads us to bad events that are associated with it.  for instance, if i begin to think of my mother who died many years ago and to remember the wonderful person that she was, soon i'll be thinking of the one event in my life when i felt betrayed by her or of her suffering during her last days as she struggled with pancreatic cancer.  in order to move from those bad memories, i have to make myself remember the many happy events and kindnesses that she brought to my life.  i suppose that we have to accept our past as a whole, a fabric of good and bad.  all of it had a part in making us the person we are now.

thank goodness there are good recollections that counter the bad ones.  when we spend time thinking about how our minds work, the good is by far in the preponderance.  but it is the present that is far more important.  we can't undo the past nor should we let regret for past mistakes immobilize us.  life is a process of moving forward, of freeing ourselves to live as fully as possible in this present moment.  if we want to free ourselves of the past, we learn from our mistakes so that we try not to make them again but we don't waste time wishing we could undo what we did.

may we recall the good along with the bad.  may we learn and grow.  may the present bring us joy, not recriminations for past misdeeds.  shalom.