If I Didn't Care

i've been reading some of the dalai lama's teachings about anger.  as i read, i thought of a close relative who is filled with anger.  as a child, she and her siblings were abused by their father.  all of the children were subjected to severe beatings, and they could never tell what might set their father off.  their mother was a kind person but too weak to intervene on their behalf.  this relative still seethes with anger at the treatment she and her sisters received and lives much of her life in that painful past.  she blames her mother for not protecting her and for staying with a man who was so abusive.  she blames her younger siblings because she feels as the oldest child she was treated the worse than they.  all four sisters bear the mental scars of their childhood, but the others seem to have come to terms with their suffering, while this one sister can't let go of the anger she feels.

as i read what the dalai lama had to say about the harm frequent fits of anger do to us, i thought of my relative.  how miserable her life is!  like her father, one never knows what may set off an angry outburst.  her only daughter keeps her distance, and, as a teenager, she left her mother to go live with her father.  though they have a better relationship now that the daughter has made a life for herself and has grown children of her own, there is a wariness between them.  this wounded spirit is with her second husband, and when she talks much of the conversation is about how terrible her husband is.  there is a litany of how inconsiderate, how clumsy, how stupid, how stingy, how uncaring he is, and one is always on pins and needles around them because visitors are often witness to bitter arguments and acrimony between them.

there was a time when i believed that giving vent to one's anger and expressing it with little control was healthy.  while i was never an "angry" person like my relative, i sometimes allowed myself the luxury of mean outbursts directed at others, thinking that was healthier than silently quashing my anger.  over time, i've learned that there are ways of confronting one's anger that are much better for me.  as i've disciplined myself to recognize my anger and deal with it without lashing out at others, i've found that i seldom become angry.  it's been several months since i've been angry about anything, and i must say that living a life that is almost anger-free feels much better than allowing myself to express anger in hurtful ways.

may each of us learn to deal with our anger in ways that are healthy for ourselves and others.  may we not allow anger to fester and spoil our lives.  may we counter anger with compassion and lovingkindness.  may we look at the objects of our anger from a new perspective and imagine living life in another's shoes.  may we care for one another.  shalom.