Don't Go Changing

it is a natural human inclination, i suppose, for each of us to want others to conform to our expectations of them.  we want to remake others into what we desire them to be.  if someone close to us keeps things to themselves, we may wish that person would be more open and willing to share with us.  acquaintances may be abrupt and surly, and we want to change them so that they are more pleasant.  a friend is easily angered or offended, unable to disagree without being disagreeable, so we fume about his propensity to take umbrage at every little thing.

as we go through life wishing that others were what we want them to be, we make ourselves miserable.  it is too easy to find fault in others while overlooking those in ourselves.  as jesus said in matthew 7, "why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye?"  all of us has our own quirks and foibles.  none of us is perfect in the eyes of another.  we all stumble and make mistakes.  why is it that we have so much difficulty loving another despite those traits that irritate or trouble us?  those things that we perceive as character flaws are a part of who that other person is, and we would be so much happier if we could accept what we perceive to be the bad along with the good.

i have a friend who constantly complains about her spouse.  everything she says about him is right.  he is thoughtless much of the time.  he does spend too much time on facebook.  he is content to sit while she does most of the work to keep the household running.  he does become angry too easily.  but he has many admirable qualities as well.  he can be generous.  he has a great sense of humor.  he is a wonderful musician.  he is a loyal friend and husband.  rather than work together to find common ground, both my friend and her husband pick at and find fault with one another, and the end result is that they are often  miserable.  i watch their misery and feel compassion for them.  truth be told, i want to remake them into the people i want them to be so they would be happier with one another.  i can't and shouldn't be able to do that.  my task is to love them despite the faults that are so readily apparent and to accept them just as they are, with the hope that they can accept and love me just as i am.

may we see others as complete human beings, not as the sum of their faults.  may we love in spite of, and sometimes because of, the unloveliness.  may our compassion extend to everyone, including ourselves.  may we see that we are all the same, with plenty of good and bad qualities to go around.  shalom.