No, Never Alone

during the past couple of weeks, i've felt a great loneliness.  our relationship with my wife's sister and her husband that we moved to be near hasn't worked out as we had hoped.  though we occasionally do things together, the closeness to them we once felt is no longer there, and i miss having their companionship.  i have not been able to develop close relationships within a church, and, though we attend regularly, it often seems an empty exercise.  sure, the people we have met in the church are friendly, and it is their kindness that keeps me attending, but the service itself offers me little in the way of growth.

my wife, who is more outgoing than i am, has developed friendships with people in several bridge groups.  her participation in those have given her an outlet which i don't have.  i enjoy being at home and taking care of the mundane tasks necessary to keep things running, but that is not enough.  i long for the close contact with people that i enjoyed in our former home where i was often called on in leadership roles in church, sang in our church choir and in our active community chorus, frequently filled in as a substitute organist in several churches, and did volunteer work for our local symphony.

as i've meditated the past several mornings, my focus has been on the isolation i feel and how to break free of it.  i love going places and doing things with my wife, but i need more.  i've decided to give myself two mornings each week to do what i want to do--to go to a nearby church that will allow me to practice on their organ, to read, to do some organizing that, though not necessary, would help me find things i want more easily, and simply have some time just for me.  i've decided, too, to offer my services to the church that allows me to practice on their instrument to play some or all of their services on a more regular basis.  they have a pianist who plays every sunday as an unpaid volunteer but she does not play the organ, so, except when they call on me to fill in for her on the rare occasions when she is gone, their organ sits silent.  i hope they will allow me to help because i miss having the chance to play.

i don't know if taking these steps will be enough, but i think they will move me in the right direction.  without human contact other than that of my wife, whom i adore, i feel empty and turned too much inward.  i need to get out and become involved in the life of this community.  perhaps volunteering at this church will lead to other opportunities to serve.  i have to make a change because keeping to myself so much of the time and staying home is affecting both my physical and mental health.  i am becoming less patient and find myself becoming irritated with my wife when the fault lies within me and not in her.  for that reason, if for no other, finding my place in this new town is essential.

may each of us search for ways to move outside ourselves.  may we be happy with ourselves and find how to serve others, thereby serving ourselves.  may we learn to wait patiently for the answers to come and act on them once they do.  may we have compassion and love for ourselves, as well as for others.  shalom.