i have a male relative that it is difficult for me to be around. he talks incessantly and loudly. after i have been with them for a couple of hours, i want to throw up my hands and yell, "just be quiet for a few minutes--i can't even think!" he is a kind, generous person who delights in helping others. i feel badly for having angry thoughts directed towards him. as i sit here thinking about my recent visit with him, i wonder why my relative can be so caring in many ways and yet he is thoughtless about his conversation when he is around others.
during this last visit, i looked over at his wife, noticing how she sat with a smile which seemed to say, "just let him say what he is compelled to say and wait until he runs out of steam." she, too, is wonderfully kind and thoughtful. i'm sure she realizes that her husband gets on others' nerves but she has learned that beneath his nervous chatter is an open, generous heart. she must love his totally, having accepted this one flaw as part of who he is. he would not be himself without his tendency to talk too much, and, rather than try to change him, she has developed the patience to let him run on until he is ready to listen to what she has to say.
upon returning home, the thought occurred to me that i ought to be grateful for my relative. his ability to irritate me and bring out the worst in me gives me an opportunity to practice the skill of patience. to be around him for any length of time, i must learn to keep my heart open and to accept him as his wife does. i have to accept him as he is, seeing the total person, not just this one annoying flaw. as i realized this, i began to think about why he has this tendency to monopolize a conversation and force others to sit and listen as he runs on. perhaps he is nervous around others he doesn't know well or see often, and his incessant chatter is a cover for his own discomfort and shyness. maybe one of his parents behaved in this way, and he is copying them. whatever the underlying cause, i know that he wants to make me feel welcome when i come into his home and that his hugs and handshakes are indications of a genuine affection for me. if i spend more than one day in his home, by the second day he seems calmer and less intent on monopolizing conversations. when i prepare to leave, he always hugs me and thanks me for my visit, tells me how much he loves and appreciates me, and invites me to return whenever i can. at that point, i fell ashamed of my anger towards him and vow to work on my skills of acceptance.
may we each learn greater tolerance of others, even when we find them annoying. may we think about their better qualities and try to figure how why they are as they are without wanting to change them. may we love them, not despite their flaws, but because of them. may we develop even-minded calm in the midst of our tendency towards irritability and impatience. shalom.
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