A Song of Thanksgiving

thanksgiving day in the usa has just passed, and this week i want to write about someone for whom i am grateful, my father.  there are many others about whom i could write, but, in keeping with my previous post about awakening to the happiness i knew as i child, my mind goes back to my relationship with my father.

for much of my life, i wasted time resenting my father.  i saw the favoritism he showed to my younger brother and felt ignored and neglected by him.  since my recent epiphany, i see that view was unfair.  his gratitude for my brother's recovery from an illness that could have resulted in his death made dad recall how sick my brother had been and how fortunate we all were that he survived.  what i saw as favoritism was dad's rejoicing in my brother's survival.  dad should have realized how i reacted to his displays of affection for my brother and treated us both the same, taking time to explain to me why he acted as he did toward my brother.  that wasn't dad's nature.  he was unable to put into words his deepest emotions, just as his own father seemed incapable of expressing his love for his children.  i never remember my paternal grandfather embracing any member of his family or telling them that he loved them.  my father was brought up to believe that men did not engage in such displays of affection, even for their own children.  my dad's way for showing his affection toward and gratitude for my brother's escape from death was to shower him with gifts and to indulge his every want.

now that i'm older, i understand my dad and can recall the evolution of his attitude toward me.  by the time i reached high school, he accepted that i would never be the son he wanted me to be.  i was studious and a lover of music.  athletics held no interest for me.  as my high grades and musical awards and performances became objects of admiration for others, my dad realized that he had a son he could be proud of, even though i didn't follow the path he wanted for me.  

one incident stands out from my junior year of high school.  i played the clarinet in the school band and had won numerous awards for my playing.  i had reached the point that my five-year-old beginner clarinet was inadequate and needed to be replaced by a professional level instrument.  though these were expensive, my dad found the money to buy me a new instrument.  he took a day off work and took me out of school for a day to go to the nearest large city where there were numerous music stores to find a clarinet for me.  i can still see the pride in his face as we went from store to store with me trying out various clarinets as the store employees complimented him and me on how well i played.  when a decision to buy a particular instrument was finally made, dad paid for it in cash, and we left the store with my new prized possession.  the elation in his face matched that in mine, and the drive home brought us together in a way that had never happened before.  i saw that dad did love me as much as he loved my younger brother and sister and that he was as proud of me as he would have been if i had been selected as the outstanding player on one of the school's sports teams.  i will always treasure that trip that we made, just the two of us, to enable me to pursue my musical studies because my dad saw how important it was to me.

now that dad has passed away, i wish that i could tell him how much i love him and appreciate the sacrifices he made for me.  i'm finally able to forgive old hurts and understand their source.  i hope that i haven't hurt my own children in the same way my dad unintentionally hurt me and that they are able to forgive my mistakes as a parent while i am still alive.  dad did the best he could and can't be blamed for following the example set for him by his own father.  he worked hard all his life and wanted the best for all three of his children.  i hope i have done the same for my two children.

 

may we be the parents our children need us to be.  may we express our love to them each time we are with them.  may we support them, even when their path is not the path we would have chosen for them.  may we teach them the importance of lovingkindness and compassion by our example.  may we let go of old hurts and seek to understand the reasons they occurred.  shalom.