Nobody Else Can Walk It for Us

twenty-seven years ago my mother passed away from pancreatic cancer.  she had been diagnosed only a few months earlier, and her death just after her 77th birthday was a blow to my dad, my brother and sister, and me.  it never occurred to me how difficult it was for my dad to care for her during the last few months of her life.  he lived in the small community where we three siblings had grown up, and none of us lived within easy driving distance of their home.  my sister and i were still working, and my brother lived six hours away.  until my wife had her recent knee surgery, i had never thought of what it must have been like for my dad as her care, in addition to the many tasks involved with keeping a home running, became his responsibility.  now i begin to see how difficult it must have been for him, as he watched her slowly dying.

each night i fall into bed exhausted.  i am happy that i can care for my wife during her convalescence, and i know that she is grateful for all that i do for her.  my dad must have felt much the same way as i do each evening, but he had the added sadness of knowing that my mother would never recover, that her death was only a matter of weeks away.  as i reflect on my realization of what life must have been like for my dad during those last months of my mother's life, i am reminded that we can't truly know what others experience until we walk in their shoes.  each day, i think, "if only i had known then what i know now, i would have been a bigger help to my dad."  one day, our children will say the same thing to themselves as they reflect back on the lives of their elderly parents.  this is the way life is: we must experience suffering firsthand before we understand what it is like for others.

each generation finds its own way.  the longer i live, the more convinced i am that there is more to what happens after our death than a simple passing into heavenly bliss if we have believed the "right" things when we die.  one can't get life right in just one lifetime.  we must live many lifetimes in order to make the progress necessary to live a good life.  with each passing incarnation, we come to see the right path more clearly until we have a perfect understanding of what it means to be fully human.  maybe i'm wrong, and we simply cease to exist except in the memories of others when we die, but i can't accept the christian idea of "heaven" or hell that follows the end of our lives.  i suppose it doesn't really matter which is true--reincarnation, heaven/hell, or nothingness.  we do the best we can while we live and the end will reveal itself in time.

may we understand our common experiences, seeing the truth of others' lives through our own lens.  may we forgive the shortcomings of others as realize they can't comprehend what they haven't experienced, just as we forgive our younger selves.  may we live each moment as if it is our last, doing as much good as we can.  shalom.