What's Too Painful to Remember

a few mornings ago, i was thinking about how often memories of the past come up as i meditate.  most often, these are not pleasant memories but those which fill me with regret and guilt.  at those times, i work on forgiving myself, but that doesn't seem to be the full answer.  as i drove on an errand, i was listening to bbc world service.  the program was about this very topic.  a british man had raised the question of why, now that he is older, he is often racked with guilt over past actions and how he can work past his regret and shame over what cannot be undone.  the adviser who was responding to his questions used the analogy of a young child's behavior, perhaps that of the questioner's own son or daughter.  she asked the man if he would blame his son if he made an error in judgement, like telling a lie or forgetting to do something.  his response was that he would not hold the child's mistake against him, since the child was learning what was right and wrong.

the adviser went on to ask the man if he was the same man as his younger self who had made regrettable errors.  the man responded that he was not, that he now understood how his actions affected others and acted with more compassion.  as he spoke, i realized that, like this man on the radio, i am not my younger self.  i was in the process of learning to be a better person and along the way i didn't always appreciate the consequences of my actions.  just as i can now joke about the scratches our young son put on our car in the carport as he zoomed past  riding his toy car, i can see myself in the same light.  as i sped through my younger life, i caused some scratches, dings, and hurts because i didn't know any better.  i was still focused on my own life and didn't see how my decisions could harm others.

the other day a friend was lamenting about one of her children who never came to see her and didn't seem to realize that she was not getting any younger.  as we talked, i told her that when my parents were aging, i still saw them as the young couple they had been when i was a child.  in my eyes, they were still the same, despite the accumulated years.  i saw them as self-sufficient and able to continue with the household duties and repairs they had been so proficient at taking care of when i was a child.  now that i am older, i see that they could have used more help from me.  i never thought about how difficult it was for my father to take care of his large yard when he was in his 70s and 80s.  as i approach my eightieth year, i know how much of a struggle it was for him, especially after my mother died, to take care of the house inside and the yard outside.  i know this because i know how hard it is for me, even with the help of my wife and despite enjoying the many jobs that owning a home entails.

may we acknowledge that we are not our younger selves.  may we see that the wisdom we possess because of our life experiences was not available to us in the past.  may we be grateful for what we have learned over the years and rejoice by living in the present, rather than dwelling on the past.  may we be able to laugh at the person we used to be, just as we are able to laugh at the exuberant mishaps of our children.  may we be aware that every person looks back on what they were with some regrets, that we share this common bond.  shalom.