this morning i was awakened by a dream. it was troubling, and i couldn't go back to sleep, so i got up and began my morning routine. in my dream, i was working on a project to benefit another family member. i was trying to do something unique and special for this loved one. the project involved a lot of trial-and-error experimentation to get my intention just right. every time i seemed to be on the right track i would be interrupted by someone who needed my help. when i set my project aside to help the person who had called for my assistance, another person would come along and thoughtlessly undo what i had accomplished on my project. i was never able to complete what i wanted to do and was left feeling as if my work was unappreciated and that i was not valued by others.
as i reflected on the feelings i was experiencing in my waking moments, i tried and am still trying to discern the meaning of my dream. i wonder if my unconcious mind wants me to discover something. perhaps, the dream was inspired by a conversation between two dear friends that occurred the previous evening as we were playing cards. in this instance, the husband of the pair was complaining, as he often did, about the pastor of the church they attend. this pastor often brings his personal political convictions into his sermons, and our male friend disagrees with his pastor's politics in the profoundest way. our friend's wife became quite agitated as he spoke of his discomfort with their pastor's pronouncements from the pulpit. while she agreed with her husband regarding their shared political beliefs, she thought her husband should accept their differences with their pastor and try to get what good they could from his sermons and their participation in worship.
i could see both of their viewpoints, but i was left feeling that the husband in the couple was being told that he shouldn't express his frustration with their pastor, that he was wrong to voice his deep distress, and that his wife didn't want to hear him because he was wrong to speak about how he felt. as i reflected on that conversation and my dream, i wondered, too, if i hadn't suppressed my own opinions and emotions in the name of being thoughtful to others around me. perhaps my dream was telling me that i needed to be more assertive and forthcoming, rather than constantly giving in to others and trying to please them. i recalled an evening some days earlier when my wife had said something that hurt me deeply. rather than telling her how i felt, i became angry and lashed out at her, trying to hurt her as she had hurt me. she hadn't intended to be hurtful in her remark, and after i allowed anger to arise in me, i realized how i had inflicted the same hurt on her that she had on me. as i calmed down and realized what i had done, i apologized and promised that i would handle the situation differently if it arose in the future.
her remark had made me feel as if my feelings weren't valued, that i could be spoken to in any way another chose without regard for how another's words hurt me. i realized then, and my dream may have been reinforcing that realization, that i had a right to let others know when their words or actions were hurtful or offensive. my feelings are just as important as anyone else's, and i do myself or them no favor by feeling guilty for being hurt and refusing to acknowledge how their words or actions have wounded me. my obligation is to express my hurt without trying to retaliate, to let the other person know how their behavior has caused me pain.
may we each stand up for ourselves in ways that are non-retaliatory. may we honor our own feelings rather than suppressing them. may we not allow our emotions to rule us so that we lash out at others when they have injured us. may we realize that lovingkindness isn't the same as suppressing our feelings, but rather lovingkindness extends to ourselves as well as others. shalom.
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