this morning when i awakened, my mother was on my mind. she died about twenty years ago, a victim of pancreatic cancer. she was about my age when she died. at the time she was stricken with cancer, she was still a vibrant woman. when she was diagnosed with cancer, we took her to a major teaching hospital where the doctors initially held out some hope that they might be able to surgically remove the cancer. upon further investigation, they found that the cancer had spread to her liver and told us that surgery was no longer an option. this meant that her death was inevitable within a few months.
she remained at home as long as she could, but eventually the pain became too great and she had to be hospitalized. her doctor in the town where i lived and where she was hospitalized assured us that he could keep her pain-free until the end. in the last weeks before she died, she was given heavy doses of morphine and was largely unconscious. my sister, my dad, and i took turns sitting at her bedside, but it was my sister who was with her when she took her last breath.
one of the things she told my wife and me, while she was still lucid, was that the only regret she had was not seeing so much of the world that she had longed to see. "go while you can, don't put it off," was her advice to us, advice we have taken, and continue to take, to heart. at the end, my sister said that she longed for mom to say something to her that would let her know that mom was aware of her presence. we assured her that mom knew she was there, even though our mom couldn't acknowledge it. i'm not sure that was true, but we wanted my sister to feel that in mom's last moment it was worthwhile for my sister to be with her.
my mom was my friend and my champion as i grew up. she always encouraged and believed in me. she was sometimes exasperated with me because i was not always as kind or as gracious as i should have been. she tried to teach me to think of the feelings of others. i think she succeeded in the main but it took many reminders to my younger self before the lesson sunk in. she expected me to do well in school and was ready to help me whenever i was baffled by something i needed to learn. she accepted me as i was, never trying to make me into something someone else wanted me to be. when other boys took up sports or engaged in rough play, i wasn't interested. i preferred to stay inside and read or play the piano, and she let me be myself, even though others thought she was wrong. her belief that i should be allowed to find my own way was a lesson that we practiced with our own children, and i think it's the best way for a child to grow up.
when the church in which she had been raised and in which we children grew up took a turn towards extreme conservatism and began to demand a rigid conformity in beliefs and behavior from its members, my mom spoke out strongly against the direction of her denomination. she agreed with other members of the church and her pastor that, so long as the national leaders of the church continued on their current path, contributions from their local congregation should be withheld from the national body. when i changed denominations as a result of the church's move to the right, she was encouraging and supported me and my wife. she had raised me to stand up for what i believed, just as she did.
when the democratic party nominated george mcgovern for president, she reluctantly supported richard nixon, believing that mcgovern was too extreme. she later told me that was one of her biggest mistakes. nixon betrayed the trust americans placed in him, and my mom said she would never support anyone who was not a democrat again. she didn't condemn me when i voiced my support for mcgovern and encouraged me to vote my conscience.
i could always go to my mom when i was uncertain about a decision i had to make. she was never judgmental, but she led me to decisions that i think were wise ones. she had a way of simply asking questions that caused me to see things from other perspectives without injecting her own opinions. her approach made me believe that the decisions i made were my own, because she didn't say, "this is what i think you should do." i trusted her completely. when she died, i was bereft, feeling that i had lost a mother, a confidant, a supporter, and the greatest source of strength in my life. there is a piece of my heart that is missing that only she could fill.
may each of us find people like my mom who are there for us when we need them. may we honor their memory when they are gone. may we give them credit for helping us to become our best selves. may we do whatever we can to be that someone for others. shalom.
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