Fast Falls the Eventide

a few days ago my younger brother passed away.  my sister's husband called early in the morning to let me know, and at first i couldn't believe what i was hearing.  he had been battling a number of health problems, the latest of which was some breathing difficulties.  apparently his doctors didn't think this difficulty was life threatening, and his death might have been from another cause.  he was severely underweight and had a heart attack a few months ago.  my sister had been staying with him for a couple of nights before his death and heard him gasping for air in the early hours of the morning.  by the time she got to him, he had died.

tomorrow, we'll travel to the town where he and my sister lived for a wake in his memory.  he has been cremated, and his son will take his ashes to be scattered at sea, because he had worked for many years on an ocean-going boat and had traveled all over the world.  my nephew plans to have a marker erected in the cemetery where my brother's wife is buried.  one of my jobs today is to call relatives to let them know of his death and the wake, though most of them will be unable to attend because of the distances involved in traveling to it.

while i am sad that my brother is no longer with us, i'm glad that his suffering is over.  he has struggled for so many years, most of them living alone and far from family.  his son lived about an hour from him, but he had a family of his own to care for and a long commute to work every day, making it difficult for him to see his father as often as he'd have liked.  it was a six-hour drive for me to reach him, and my sister lived seven hours from him.  he had moved to where my sister lived about three months ago, and they were enjoying each other's company most every day.  i'm so glad they had those few months to be with one another and that he had someone to share his problems with for that brief time.

his passing brought the fragility of our lives home to me.  i had told myself that he would outlive me, though i knew deep down that he couldn't hold out much longer, given the health battles he was fighting.  his death has forced me to think of my own mortality and to make better plans for what needs to be done for my family's benefit when i'm gone.  i'm thinking of the difficulties my nephew faces, since none of us expected his father to go so soon.  he has his dad's few possessions to dispose of, his dad's two dogs to find homes for, all his business affairs to sort out, knowing next to nothing about those affairs, all of this while accompanied by his wife and two small children and much of it having to be taken care of within a five day span before he and his family have to make the seven hour drive back home.  there's little anyone else can do to relieve him of those responsibilities, though my sister and her husband are there to help in any way they can.

may we do what we can to plan for our lives' end.  may we think not only of ourselves but of those we will leave behind, doing what we can to make things as easy on them as possible.  may we accept the inevitability of our mortality and live as though each moment might be our last.  may we find peace in both life and death.  shalom.

When You're Down and Troubled

we've been having some work done in our house, making it necessary to completely dismantle one room, moving every stick of furniture in the room, taking down every picture and decorative item, and unplugging every electrical device in that room.  consequently everything that had to be removed from the room had to find a temporary place in the rest of the house, the end result being that the entire house was disorganized and messy.  because my wife had several appointments that took her away from home during most of the work, i was forced to stay home all the time with the man doing the repairs, which, of course, took longer than anticipated.  by the time he finished, i was a nervous wreck, afflicted with cabin fever and irritated because everything in the house was topsy-turvy.

now we have to put everything back together, which is much more time consuming that taking everything apart.  we've managed to get all the furniture back in place and to return the items that were removed back to the room where the work was done, but all the little items like pictures and electronics have to be reinstalled.  our whole house was in need of cleaning, and that task took us a couple of days of hard work, but it's finally done so that we're not fighting dust and dirt everywhere.  this week both my wife and i have obligations that will take us away from home for much of the day every day, so that completion of putting the remaining items back where they belong will be slowed.  it seems as if we've been working on this one room of the house forever, and we're ready to have it done completely.

as i sit reflecting on this ordeal, i'm both angry and embarrassed.  i'm angry because i've been a slave to this room for more than two weeks and it's still not finished.  i'm embarrassed that i'm angry and frustrated, so unable to deal with what is really a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things.  i'm not hungry, cold, or homeless.  i'm not poverty stricken.  i have a wonderful partner who is helping me with the work that has to be done.  yet, i have to be honest in recognizing my feelings and the mixed emotions i'm experiencing.  the room now looks so much better, and we will enjoy it for many years to come.  intellectually i know that it's a good thing that we had the work done, but in my heart i wish we'd never started.

i know that in time, these feelings of anger and frustration will go away.  in another month, i'll walk into our remodeled room and think, "wow!  this is so much better!"  right now, i feeling sorry for myself, as i try to finish up the last tasks that will complete the room and working on putting myself in a better frame of mind.  it's amazing that little disturbances in our daily lives can make us feel so lousy, that the calm and peace that we think we've achieved can disappear so easily.  just writing about it is helpful.  i already feel less stressed and better able to cope.  i suppose these few words have been the screams i wanted to let loose.

may we learn to put the petty annoyances of life into perspective.  may we find ways to give voice to our negative feelings in ways that are not harmful to others.  may we recognize that change is often painful, even though it is necessary and inevitable.  may we find the inner peace and strength to deal with the vagaries of life.  shalom.

Bid Darkness Turn to Day

in christianity, the christian is asked to accept a great many things on faith.  one of these is acceptance of the bible as the revelation of God to humankind.  the orthodox view based on the bible is that God created the universe, intervened in human history, ultimately chose abraham and his descendants as the "chosen people," and from those people the savior of the world emerged: jesus, who was God incarnate.  this god-man, we are asked to believe, was born of a virgin, and at his birth miraculous events occurred.  during his brief itinerant ministry, he went about teaching and healing the sick before being crucified by the romans only to rise from the dead three days later and, after a brief period visiting and reassuring his followers, ascended into heaven.

the bible is filled with events, many of which have been proven to be factual, but it also contains much that is unprovable.  if we abandon the need to believe every word of the bible as part of a literal record, as a historical document that is without error as we've received it, then there is much in it that can be of benefit.  much of it, though, is contradictory and orthodox belief goes to great lengths to reconcile those contradictions.  how can a God who is love and light have ordered the massacre of thousands of innocent people, as the account of the israelites' conquest of palestine tells us?  why would God choose this small clan to be the repository of all knowledge of God and wait several thousand years before revealing through the teachings of jesus that all people could be part of the kingdom of God?  how could and why would God cause a woman to bear a child in a way that is biologically impossible?  the queries are interminable.

we have the ability to use our minds in a reasonable way.  it makes little sense to abandon reason when it comes to the most basic question of life:  what is the purpose of our existence.  if the existence of a creator who is the source of all that exists is reasonable, then we must ask about the nature of that creator and our relationship with the creator.  this is where religion enters, and we begin to make assertions based on faith rather than reason.  when those sorts of assertions are accepted without question and viewed as fact rather than possibility, religion becomes dangerous, the basis for wars and all sorts of inhuman acts.  why is it that we must insist on our own views as the correct ones, why can't we live with the ambiguity of not knowing for certain?

as i've gotten older, it's become easier for me to live with such doubts and uncertainties.  i don't have to know the final answers.  it is enough to ponder the questions and to try to live my life seeking to serve others, to see others as beings making their ways through life in much the same way as myself.  there are many so-called sacred writings that contain worthwhile information, but what makes them sacred is not the demand that we accept them as truth based on blind faith.  their sacredness comes from their ability to lead us to better relationships with one another.  when these writings teach us to hate or to view one group as superior to another, they cease to be useful, and we have no obligation to honor or obey those teachings that cause us to harm one another.  that is why it's easy for me to ignore much of what the bible says.  when the bible teaches us to love and care for one another, i can honor those teachings.  the rest i must refuse to accept.

may we never give up our quest for truth or our ability to use our minds to reason for ourselves.  may we refuse to accept anything on faith, always seeking proof as a basis for belief.  may lovingkindness and respect be the foundations of our lives.  shalom.

We'll Guard Each One's Dignity

a few days as we ate dinner with another couple, our male dining companion brought up the teachings in the new testament regarding the role of women in the church.  he was referring to i corinthians 14:33-35 and and the second chapter of i timothy.  in both women are instructed to remain silent during worship, deferring to their husbands.  the passage in the first letter to timothy also teaches that women are secondary creations, since adam was created first and then eve.  in the fifth chapter of ephesians, verses 22-24 say this: " wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the lord.  for the husband is the head of the wife, even as christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.  therefore as the church is subject unto christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing."

both my wife and i strongly disagreed with these passages, and our companion, realizing he had touched a nerve, quickly interjected that he was not endorsing the content of the verses in questions, but merely pointing out what "the bible taught."  knowing he believed every word in the bible was literally correct, dictated directly by God to the writers of the canon, we were certain that he was letting us know that the practices of the church we all attended were antithetical to the teachings of the bible and therefore not acceptable to him.  in our congregation, and in the denomination as a whole, women serve as officers in the church, serve as ordained ministers, and are regarded as equals of men, a practice my wife and i support and believe to be consistent with the teachings of jesus, regardless of what the letters purported to be written by st. paul say.

this brings up the larger question of how one reconciles contradictory passages in the bible if one believes the bible is wholly inerrant and literally true from cover to cover, but i'll write about that another time.  what i am concerned with in this post is the idea that women are "subject" to men, that women are inferior creations who caused sin to enter the world by falling for the serpent's temptation in the garden of eden and leading the first man to disobey God.  for me, this concept is entirely without merit.  it is not reasonable for members of one gender to be considered superior to the other.  men and women are far more alike than they are different, and all of us are a blend of what we traditionally consider "male" and "female" traits, despite the differentiation that biology imposes on us.

to discriminate against women based on any teaching, including those of the bible, is wrong, having more to do with control and power than with logic.  in one of those contradictory bible passages, st. paul says in galations, "there is neither jew nor gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in christ jesus."  in the eyes of God we are all equal regardless of our backgrounds, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, or social status, and our behavior towards one another should reflect this equality.

may we see each first as humans beings.  may we not seek power over one another for any reason, including gender.  may we look for our commonalities and relish our differences without regarding those differences as making one person inferior to, or superior to, another.  shalom.

The Evil That Men Do

often when i meditate, things that i regret pop up in my mind.  the memories of past mistakes and of hurts i have caused others appear, and i find myself wanting to go back and undo the past.  the last time this happened, i countered these unhappy thoughts by reminding myself of the good that i have done.  later as i reflected on this, i wondered why it is that when we are in the middle of meditation or in the night when we are trying to go to sleep, it is the bad that we recall.  why are our minds like this?  or is it just my mind?

i think our evolutionary past has trained us to be wary creatures, always on guard against danger that may lurk in the dark or around the next corner, fearful of the attack of some wild animal that may make us its next meal.  by nature, we are worriers.  perhaps this accounts for the penchant for recalling bad things rather than good.  we fear the consequences of our wrongs long after they have occurred and worry that something we have done has had a lasting effect on another.  we have to make ourselves recall the good that we have done.  its memory to doesn't come to us naturally.

even when we begin with the intention of recalling a good memory, it often leads us to bad events that are associated with it.  for instance, if i begin to think of my mother who died many years ago and to remember the wonderful person that she was, soon i'll be thinking of the one event in my life when i felt betrayed by her or of her suffering during her last days as she struggled with pancreatic cancer.  in order to move from those bad memories, i have to make myself remember the many happy events and kindnesses that she brought to my life.  i suppose that we have to accept our past as a whole, a fabric of good and bad.  all of it had a part in making us the person we are now.

thank goodness there are good recollections that counter the bad ones.  when we spend time thinking about how our minds work, the good is by far in the preponderance.  but it is the present that is far more important.  we can't undo the past nor should we let regret for past mistakes immobilize us.  life is a process of moving forward, of freeing ourselves to live as fully as possible in this present moment.  if we want to free ourselves of the past, we learn from our mistakes so that we try not to make them again but we don't waste time wishing we could undo what we did.

may we recall the good along with the bad.  may we learn and grow.  may the present bring us joy, not recriminations for past misdeeds.  shalom.

If I Didn't Care

i've been reading some of the dalai lama's teachings about anger.  as i read, i thought of a close relative who is filled with anger.  as a child, she and her siblings were abused by their father.  all of the children were subjected to severe beatings, and they could never tell what might set their father off.  their mother was a kind person but too weak to intervene on their behalf.  this relative still seethes with anger at the treatment she and her sisters received and lives much of her life in that painful past.  she blames her mother for not protecting her and for staying with a man who was so abusive.  she blames her younger siblings because she feels as the oldest child she was treated the worse than they.  all four sisters bear the mental scars of their childhood, but the others seem to have come to terms with their suffering, while this one sister can't let go of the anger she feels.

as i read what the dalai lama had to say about the harm frequent fits of anger do to us, i thought of my relative.  how miserable her life is!  like her father, one never knows what may set off an angry outburst.  her only daughter keeps her distance, and, as a teenager, she left her mother to go live with her father.  though they have a better relationship now that the daughter has made a life for herself and has grown children of her own, there is a wariness between them.  this wounded spirit is with her second husband, and when she talks much of the conversation is about how terrible her husband is.  there is a litany of how inconsiderate, how clumsy, how stupid, how stingy, how uncaring he is, and one is always on pins and needles around them because visitors are often witness to bitter arguments and acrimony between them.

there was a time when i believed that giving vent to one's anger and expressing it with little control was healthy.  while i was never an "angry" person like my relative, i sometimes allowed myself the luxury of mean outbursts directed at others, thinking that was healthier than silently quashing my anger.  over time, i've learned that there are ways of confronting one's anger that are much better for me.  as i've disciplined myself to recognize my anger and deal with it without lashing out at others, i've found that i seldom become angry.  it's been several months since i've been angry about anything, and i must say that living a life that is almost anger-free feels much better than allowing myself to express anger in hurtful ways.

may each of us learn to deal with our anger in ways that are healthy for ourselves and others.  may we not allow anger to fester and spoil our lives.  may we counter anger with compassion and lovingkindness.  may we look at the objects of our anger from a new perspective and imagine living life in another's shoes.  may we care for one another.  shalom.

Imagine All the People Living for Today

"what if" . . . these can be deadly words that cause us to live in fear.  what if i lose my job, what if my partner abandons me, what if my house catches fire, what if, what if, what if.  when we dwell on what might happen if catastrophe occurs, we live in dread of the future and can be paralyzed in the present.  an insurance company in town has an electronic sign that constantly displays the message "life is uncertain, plan for it."  we can't plan for the uncertainty of life.  sure, we can insure ourselves up to a point so financial ruin doesn't result from a catastrophe that harms or destroys our home or a car wreck that results in loss or injury.  but life is a chance. we don't know what tomorrow or even the next moment may bring.  we have no guarantees, so all we can do is our best each moment as that moment comes to us.

some other deadly words are "if only."  if only i could lose twenty pounds, i would be more attractive.  if only i could finish this task, i could enjoy life.  if only my spouse didn't make so many demands of me, i could do what i want to do.  an "if only" life isn't much of a life.  what we're doing during those if-only moments is life.  when we feel that our lives are interrupted by such moments, we need to abandon the if-only task or find a way to accept the if-only times as essential parts of our lives.  our happiness doesn't have to be delayed by if-onlies.  instead, we need to enjoy the present moment, even when it's not what we wished for, and forget what the future that is delayed by our present situation might be "if only . . ."

our minds are tricky things.  we imagine a perfect future and are disappointed when the present interferes.  when the future arrives, it's usually not what we anticipated.  or we imagine the future with dread, wondering about the what-ifs that might occur.  when we do this, we can't enjoy the present.  i have an acquaintance who lives in dread of tornadoes, which are not infrequent in this part of the country.  every time there is a chance of rain, she has to go stay with someone who has a basement in case the possible rainstorms might bring a tornado her way.  she can never be amazed by the patter of rain, the majesty of lightning, or the rumble of thunder because she is thinking "what if this storm spawns a tornado and that tornado comes at me."  we all have such fears, but some of us have never learned to stop those fears from spoiling our enjoyment of what's happening in the present.

may we let go of what-if and if-only and live our lives rejoicing in what the present brings.  may we not let fear and dread spoil our happiness.  may we live with gratitude for what we have and live skillfully with impermanence.  shalom.