Nobody Else Can Walk It for Us

twenty-seven years ago my mother passed away from pancreatic cancer.  she had been diagnosed only a few months earlier, and her death just after her 77th birthday was a blow to my dad, my brother and sister, and me.  it never occurred to me how difficult it was for my dad to care for her during the last few months of her life.  he lived in the small community where we three siblings had grown up, and none of us lived within easy driving distance of their home.  my sister and i were still working, and my brother lived six hours away.  until my wife had her recent knee surgery, i had never thought of what it must have been like for my dad as her care, in addition to the many tasks involved with keeping a home running, became his responsibility.  now i begin to see how difficult it must have been for him, as he watched her slowly dying.

each night i fall into bed exhausted.  i am happy that i can care for my wife during her convalescence, and i know that she is grateful for all that i do for her.  my dad must have felt much the same way as i do each evening, but he had the added sadness of knowing that my mother would never recover, that her death was only a matter of weeks away.  as i reflect on my realization of what life must have been like for my dad during those last months of my mother's life, i am reminded that we can't truly know what others experience until we walk in their shoes.  each day, i think, "if only i had known then what i know now, i would have been a bigger help to my dad."  one day, our children will say the same thing to themselves as they reflect back on the lives of their elderly parents.  this is the way life is: we must experience suffering firsthand before we understand what it is like for others.

each generation finds its own way.  the longer i live, the more convinced i am that there is more to what happens after our death than a simple passing into heavenly bliss if we have believed the "right" things when we die.  one can't get life right in just one lifetime.  we must live many lifetimes in order to make the progress necessary to live a good life.  with each passing incarnation, we come to see the right path more clearly until we have a perfect understanding of what it means to be fully human.  maybe i'm wrong, and we simply cease to exist except in the memories of others when we die, but i can't accept the christian idea of "heaven" or hell that follows the end of our lives.  i suppose it doesn't really matter which is true--reincarnation, heaven/hell, or nothingness.  we do the best we can while we live and the end will reveal itself in time.

may we understand our common experiences, seeing the truth of others' lives through our own lens.  may we forgive the shortcomings of others as realize they can't comprehend what they haven't experienced, just as we forgive our younger selves.  may we live each moment as if it is our last, doing as much good as we can.  shalom.

What's Too Painful to Remember

a few mornings ago, i was thinking about how often memories of the past come up as i meditate.  most often, these are not pleasant memories but those which fill me with regret and guilt.  at those times, i work on forgiving myself, but that doesn't seem to be the full answer.  as i drove on an errand, i was listening to bbc world service.  the program was about this very topic.  a british man had raised the question of why, now that he is older, he is often racked with guilt over past actions and how he can work past his regret and shame over what cannot be undone.  the adviser who was responding to his questions used the analogy of a young child's behavior, perhaps that of the questioner's own son or daughter.  she asked the man if he would blame his son if he made an error in judgement, like telling a lie or forgetting to do something.  his response was that he would not hold the child's mistake against him, since the child was learning what was right and wrong.

the adviser went on to ask the man if he was the same man as his younger self who had made regrettable errors.  the man responded that he was not, that he now understood how his actions affected others and acted with more compassion.  as he spoke, i realized that, like this man on the radio, i am not my younger self.  i was in the process of learning to be a better person and along the way i didn't always appreciate the consequences of my actions.  just as i can now joke about the scratches our young son put on our car in the carport as he zoomed past  riding his toy car, i can see myself in the same light.  as i sped through my younger life, i caused some scratches, dings, and hurts because i didn't know any better.  i was still focused on my own life and didn't see how my decisions could harm others.

the other day a friend was lamenting about one of her children who never came to see her and didn't seem to realize that she was not getting any younger.  as we talked, i told her that when my parents were aging, i still saw them as the young couple they had been when i was a child.  in my eyes, they were still the same, despite the accumulated years.  i saw them as self-sufficient and able to continue with the household duties and repairs they had been so proficient at taking care of when i was a child.  now that i am older, i see that they could have used more help from me.  i never thought about how difficult it was for my father to take care of his large yard when he was in his 70s and 80s.  as i approach my eightieth year, i know how much of a struggle it was for him, especially after my mother died, to take care of the house inside and the yard outside.  i know this because i know how hard it is for me, even with the help of my wife and despite enjoying the many jobs that owning a home entails.

may we acknowledge that we are not our younger selves.  may we see that the wisdom we possess because of our life experiences was not available to us in the past.  may we be grateful for what we have learned over the years and rejoice by living in the present, rather than dwelling on the past.  may we be able to laugh at the person we used to be, just as we are able to laugh at the exuberant mishaps of our children.  may we be aware that every person looks back on what they were with some regrets, that we share this common bond.  shalom. 

For Home, Where Our Affection Clings

now that my wife has had her knee replacement surgery, i have the responsibility of caring for her at home.  she can walk short distances with the assistance of a walker, but she requires help getting back into the bed.  she has to keep ice packs on her knee to control swelling, and these need to be changed fairly frequently.  the packs that came home with us from the hospital, leak as the ice melts.  this forces my wife to awaken me several times during the night to change out the packs and work on them to stop further leakage.  i have to make certain that she takes her medications and that there is food prepared for both of us.  right now, i am exhausted and wondering if i can continue providing the care she needs.

as i reflected on my fatigue and felt sorry for both her and myself, i remembered my frequent bouts of earache as a child.  i would awaken in the night to excruciating pain in my ears, crying out for help from my mother.  she was always attentive and did what she could to ease my pain.  it never occurred to me then that my mother was worn out after one of my all-night battles with pain.  yet, she never complained, even though she had to carry on the next day as if she had a good night's sleep.  

i thought, too, of my mother-in-law, who fell from a ladder and broke her hip in her mid-40s.  my wife has told me that her mother somehow continued with her work of preparing meals for her family, hobbling around in the kitchen with the aid of a walker.  there was no physical therapy, nor anyone waiting on her as she recuperated.  her children and husband never heard a word of complaint or resentment.  she did what she thought had to be done, as she suffered in silence.

i understand how these selfless women must have felt, as they cared for their families.  i'm sure they asked themselves why life had to be as it was, but they never indulged in self-pity or bitterness.  they carried on as best they could, knowing that their families were taken care of, even when their children and husband never expressed any gratitude for what they endured.  when i begin to feel sorry for myself as i meet my wife's needs as best i can, i think of my mother and my mother-in-law and pray that i can show the kind of compassion and love they showed their families.

may we rejoice in what we are given, even when it is not what we would have chosen.  may we do what we can to ease the pain that others feel, trying to make their lives better in any way we can.  may we remember that compassion doesn't exist in the place of resentment, but enables us to care for others even when we resent our lot.  may our love for others be as strong as love for ourselves.  shalom.

When We Are Strong

life has been hectic in our household for the past two weeks.  my wife's sister and her husband were here visiting the first of those weeks.  we loved being with them, since we only see them once a year.  it was a very active week, going out of town on various activities each day.  by the end of the week, we were exhausted.  we took one day to rest and then launched into the week that has just passed.  during that week, we worked on thoroughly cleaning our house, i assembled a new exercise bike that my wife needs to recuperate from her upcoming knee surgery, i mowed the yard, we traveled about 200 miles round-trip for a couple of doctor appointments, and my wife honored three commitments to play bridge.  by the end of that week, we were again exhausted.

this week my wife has her knee surgery.  we are told that her recovery will be slow and painful, but worth it in the end because she will have so much more agility and an end to the constant knee pain she has endured in that knee.  in about three months, she will have the other knee operated on, and the cycle of recovery will begin again.  i joke with her that she will have bionic knees at the end of all this.  she is worried that having to care for her will be too difficult for me, but i look forward to her being able to be more active and pain-free.  i know that the outcome will be worth the effort involved for both of us.

we can tell that we are aging.  we can't take being on the go in stride as we used to.  we have to stop and rest more frequently.  we fall into bed exhausted.  we are grateful that our bodies allow us to do all that we do.  we see so many people who are younger than us who are forced to use mobility chairs to get around and who have had to give up many activities because of physical limitations.  our bodies are amazing creations.  how many things are there that can take the physical punishment that our bodies take and still continue to function?  our bodies often mend themselves, sometimes with medical intervention, and we take them for granted.  as we sense the aging of our bodies, we marvel at all they do for us.  the very fact that we are mobile and still able to perform the responsibilities of our lives is wonderful.  the opportunity my wife has to replace worn-out knee joints with new ones is something that would have been impossible not so many years ago.

may we rejoice in our continued ability to care for ourselves, our homes, and others.  may we be filled with gratitude that we are human, despite the increasing limitations of old age.  may we care for our bodies as best we can.  may we remember that continuing to be mobile requires us to use our bodies and, at times, to push through discomfort.  may we see each new day as a blessing.  shalom.

Help Us From All Bondage Flee

this past week we learned that the governor of florida had arranged for a group of asylum seekers who had come to our country from venezuela to be flown from texas to massachusetts.  mr. desantis, the florida politician, proclaimed loudly that his intent was to guarantee that such people did not come to his state.  he and his supporters thought it amusing that he had demonstrated what they see as the sham of sanctuary proclamations by cities and states that welcome immigrants, whether documented or undocumented, and promise to care for them and help them become part of american society.

using people who are fleeing deplorable conditions in their own countries to seek protection in this country to score political points is unconscionable.  such tactics and the rhetoric which accompanies them demonstrate the callousness of the anti-immigrant movement.  for them, immigrants are political pawns, rather than people.  they cast those who seek our protection as our enemies, when we know that the vast majority of immigrants want to help our country and add to its prosperity.  as one massachusetts politician said, the economy of his region depends on immigrants who are willing to take jobs that would otherwise go unfilled.  for the most part, those who seek refuge are eager to work, even when the only jobs available are menial ones that pay little.  time and again, we've seen these immigrants who are willing to start at the bottom of the economic ladder climb to prosperous lives through hard work and determination.  we should be applauding and assisting such people rather than using them for political purposes by calling them  enemies of the american people.

may we remember that we are a country of immigrants who descended from those who came here seeking a better life for themselves and their families, unless we are native americans.  may we do what we can to help those who seek asylum here rather than regarding them as our enemies.  may we see how our lives are made better by those who enrich our culture with their cuisine, languages, and traditions.  shalom. 

Thro' Paths Unknown

we have some dear friends with whom we play cards and have dinner once a week.  they have much in common with us, particularly a love for classical music and a liberal political perspective.  there are few people in our community with whom we share those two passions.  our principal point of disagreement is our religious views.  the wife of this couple has conventional christian beliefs, while the husband is torn between christian orthodoxy and their church's conservative political stance.  he finds himself at odds with both his wife, his pastor, and most of the members of their church because politics often enters into pronouncements from the pulpit and discussions in their bible study class.  his wife, who shares his and our, political stance, can ignore the conservative bias of those in their church because their conventional religious beliefs agree with hers.  he cannot shrug off their church's politics, though he agrees with its religious orthodoxy.  they are both troubled by the poor quality of music they hear each Sunday morning and long for more traditional church music.

we find ourselves at odds with them on religious issues.  we would be unable to be part of a group that teaches the necessity of jesus' death on the cross in order to enable God to forgive our sins, nor would we be content to hear politics preached from the pulpit or taught in small group meetings.  the concept of a god who requires such sacrifice is anathema to us.  our view of jesus' life and death is quite different.  we see jesus as a great teacher who taught us that God is filled with love for us and whose mission was to help us find reconciliation with a God who desires that we share love with those around us.  the crucifixion of jesus demonstrates the cruelty of those who wanted others to worship a god of vengeance, a rule-making god whose primary function is to keep records of our shortcomings.  such people seek to control us through fear, and jesus' teachings were viewed as dangerous, since he was leading his followers to reject the control of a repressive government and religious establishment.

we seldom discuss religion with our friends, but the husband in this couple is so unhappy with the situation in their church that he frequently voices his frustration.  we are at a loss as to what to say.  we have encouraged them to attend some other church occasionally so he can escape from time to time the aspects of their church that are frustrating to him, but that doesn't seem to be a solution that appeals to either of them.  we find ourselves displeased by many things in our own church, such as the quality and quantity of music in the worship service and a minister who preaches rambling sermons during which she frequently shouts at the congregation.  since the onset of the covid pandemic, we have stopped attending our church.  i play for another congregation two or three sundays each month and find myself enjoying their service.  i attend the local episcopal church some of the sundays when i don't play and am much more comfortable in that church than in my own.  it is disturbing to us that now, in the last few years of our lives, we find ourselves without a church that we feels like "home."  i suspect that there are many like us:  older folks who find that the worship style of most churches is alien to them and who feel left out of the churches in which they grew up and attended faithfully for many years.

may we find a place where we seem to belong.  may we recognize that it is the people who make up a church, regardless of changing worship styles.  may we love despite our differences.  may we be at peace with ourselves, remaining true to our core beliefs.  if we worship a god, may that God be a God of love, not one of vengeance.  shalom.

Where the Grapes of Wrath Are Stored

a few days ago, president biden made what may be the most important speech of his presidency, as he called for americans to unite in defense of democrary.  he called us to work together, regardless of political party affiliation, to defeat the followers of the former president who are willing to use intimidation, violence, and false narratives about the integrity of our elections to win elections at all costs.  he called out "maga" republicans who sacrifice their integrity to curry favor with trump and his base of supporters.  earlier in the week, the president had referred to these trump loyalists as "semi-fascists," acknowledging their blind fealty to trump for what it is.  president biden has drawn a clear line in the sand, challenging every american to choose which side we are on.

some have called his speech divisive, and indeed it was.  he has said that we can no longer allow the lies and threats of violence to continue unchecked.  we are either supporters of democracy or supporters of the former president.  we cannot be both.  we have seen how trump's minions were willing to question the integrity of the last election, intimidate election workers for doing their jobs, mount an insurrection that threatened the lives of lawmakers and the vice-president as these public servants carried out their constitutional mandate on january 6, and devise plots to put forward illegitimate slates of presidential electors.  even now trump and his base are pushing his big lie, and some who subscribe to it have become the nominees of their state republican parties in the november elections.  if these suborners of elections take office, the elections they oversee cannot be trusted.

in republican-controlled state legislatures, laws have been passed to make it more difficult to vote.  early voting days have been reduced, hours for voting have been shortened, the number of polling places has been made smaller, more stringent voter-id laws have been enacted, absentee voting has been restricted, and measures to make it easier for handicapped voters to cast their ballots, such as drive-in voting, have been outlawed.  in some states, partisan poll watchers will be allowed to monitor voting, thus intimidating some voters.  in others, offering food or water to voters waiting in line to vote has been made illegal.  the trajectory of our election laws prior to the trump era has been to increase access to the polls and to encourage all who are legally qualified to have their voices heard in our elections.  the followers of trump have halted this progress, and it is up to each of us to bend the arc of our history back in the right direction.

may we accept our responsibilities as citizens of this grand experiment that began in a time when some were held in bondage to enable others to live in luxury.  may we continue to move toward greater inclusion and larger recognition of the rights of all people.  may we oppose, in whatever ways we can,  those who would subvert our democracy by following the path of fascism and one-party rule.  may we recognize that our freedoms are indeed in peril and stop those who would take them away.  shalom.