The Darkness Shines As Light

a few years ago, a relative suddenly lost a large amount of weight.  before the weight loss, he was slender with a healthy appearance.  in a matter of months, he looked haggard and decidedly unwell.  soon after, during a routine health checkup with his doctor, he learned that he had diabetes.  at first, he was scrupulous in following a diet that would help him keep his illness under control.  as time passed, he became less careful about what he ate.  it was too easy to check his blood sugar levels and take insulin and eat whatever he wanted, and he gave up trying to keep his diabetes under control.  we've just learned that he now has another major health problem and are anxiously awaiting what his course of treatment will be.

now, another close relative has been diagnosed with diabetes.  he is being very careful about his diet, and, at present, he is not having to take any medication to keep his blood sugar under control.  it is our hope that he will continue to watch what he eats.  his doctor has told him that if he follows his current diet, he may be recover without further medical intervention.  that is what he is working toward.

we all must deal with the problems that aging and our past behaviors bring.  for many, it is the onset of illnesses like diabetes.  in our country, this disease is affecting younger and younger members of the population, largely because of our unhealthy eating habits and addiction to sugary, processed foods.  so far, my blood sugar levels have been good, and i hope that continues.  my biggest worry is kidney failure.  i have chronic kidney disease, as did my father.  there has been no change in the level of the disease for quite some time, and at my last checkup a few days ago, there had been a small improvement in my kidney function.  my doctor warned that my problem is a consequence of having lived as long as i have, given my family history, and it cannot be reversed.  he said that the fact that it has not progressed in several years is a good sign that it can be held in check with a healthy lifestyle.  i hope that he's right.

over the past year and a half, i've gradually lost fifteen pounds.  i haven't followed any special diet.  i simply haven't eaten as much as i used to.  my wife has done the same with similar results.  we find as we've gotten older that we don't require as much food and that has brought about our weight loss.  again, my doctor has told me that i'm enjoying several benefits from my reduced weight.  i don't have to take as much medication to control my blood pressure.  my chronic back pain has all but disappeared, and he credits my improved kidney function to my reduced weight.

the suffering brought about by having lived so long is inevitable.  what is not inevitable is how we deal with it.  we cannot change the past, but we can exercise some control over the present and thereby have some control over the future.  we can take steps to improve, or at least stabilize, our health.  we can refuse to give in to the ravages of disease and old age while still accepting the fact that this type of suffering comes to all of us if we are fortunate to live long enough.  the example of my two brothers-in-law who both have diabetes is a lesson we would do well to heed.  one simply ignores his doctor's advice and allows the disease to take its course as his health steadily declines.  the other is scrupulous in doing all he can to stop the disease's progression and perhaps to recover from it.  the choice is ours.

may we do all that we can to preserve our health and to deal with the effects of aging.  may we learn all we can about how to take care of ourselves.  may we not allow our suffering to cause us to give up, accepting what we cannot change and changing what we can for our own benefit.  may we recognize our common lot, giving thanks that we have lived long enough to experience what we call "old age," when we reach that stage of our lives.  shalom.

Sanctify Our Search for Knowledge

each time i pick up the paper, i read about some disturbing bill that our state legislature has passed and that our governor has signed into law.  our state has adopted measures that make it impossible for a woman and her doctor to determine the best course of action for that woman's health and well-being.  the state is distributing monies intended for public education to parents who send their children to private schools, many of them religious institutions, and to parents who home-school their children, with none of these having to meet the stringent requirements that public schools must meet.  the state is imposing its will on trans minors and their healthcare providers, despite testimony from medical and mental health experts that the restrictions that have been enacted are harmful to these vulnerable young people.  

it amazes me that a party that proclaims itself as a defender of individual liberty is seeking to stifle free speech and to control the most private matters between people and their doctors.  these new laws are born of hatred for those with whom the majority in the government disagrees, and ignore the advice of experts.  those in power are showing us what our nation will look like if christian nationalists are in control.  their actions make me ashamed to call myself a christian.  what is being done in the name of protecting children and giving parents more control over their children's education flows from a warped belief that the majority in our state has the right to dictate how others must think and to enforce their conservative christian view on all of society.  

the dystopian governing philosophy that has taken hold in many southern and western states is frightening.  college teachers are being told what they can and cannot say in their classes.  students are being denied the opportunity to examine questions from many sides.  textbooks are being censored, and history is being rewritten to make it more palatable to white racists.  books that look at the large questions of life in a multicultural society are being removed from library shelves.  gender-nonconforming children are being forced to hide who they truly are and being taught that their sense of gender identity is abhorrent.  many of us live in states where tyrannical rule by a conservative majority seeks to stifle open discussion of the issues and to rule by intimidating those who disagree with that majority.

may we see the great harm we do when we believe we have the answers and those who disagree must be wrong.  may we turn from the orwellian path that tells us that we cannot believe what we see with our own eyes and hear with our own ears.  may we not be afraid of painful truths about our past, and may we use knowledge of those truths to become better in the present.  may we enable each person to receive the health care that is needed, rather than allowing personal beliefs and prejudices to come between a person and that person's healthcare providers.  may our governing bodies govern with compassion and respect for each person.  shalom.

Nothing to Kill or Die For

i read an article a few days ago about a right-wing extremist group that was organized around the members' common hatred for and fear of government.  on its face, the idea that the government is something to be afraid of and depised seems absurd.  yet, this philosophy runs deep in our national psyche.  our country was founded on the idea that the british government was the enemy of the colonists in what became the usa.  the second amendment was written and adopted while the war of independence was still fresh in the people's minds, and those who endorsed it knew that, if ordinary citizens didn't possess firearms, there was no defense against a tyrannical government.  our first national government based on the articles of confederation which gave most power to the individual states and little to the federal government arose out of the fear of overreach by a strong central government that might oppress individual liberties.

it seems that we have lost the sense of balance between what is good for public safety and the rights of individuals.  everywhere we look, americans openly carry weapons, may of which are designed to kill as many as possible as quickly as possible.  a few years ago, such a practice would have been unthinkable.  we recognized that guns are dangerous and shouldn't be too handy when conflicts arose between people.  now it is hard to tell the difference between extremists and ordinary citizens.  gun enthusiasts carry their weapons as a badge of honor and are all too ready to use them.  

as our gun culture has grown and become more open, mass shootings have become commonplace.  churches post armed guards during their worship services and security people roam the halls of our schools.  commonsense gun regulations, such as bans on assault weapons and large bullet magazines are struck down in the courts as violations of the "right to bear arms" provision of the constitution.  state legislatures that see the need for laws restricting easy access to firearms are fearful of passing them because they may not stand up in court.  all the while, the number of gun deaths continues to climb, and members of law enforcement become more wary of the people they are sworn to protect because it so easy to carry and use a gun.

there was a time when we recognized that the more guns being carried around by people, the more likely it is that those guns will be used.  homeowners who lived in high crime areas might keep a weapon at home for self-defense, and hunters recognized the difference between a sporting rifle and an assault weapon, seeing no need to own the latter.  we now have many who insist that an assault rifle is a necessary instrument for self-defense and for hunting, knowing that such a position is ridiculous even as they utter it.  it is not surprising to enter a restaurant or other public space and see someone with a pistol in a holster on their belt or to see guns intended for use by the military to fight a war mounted in a gun rack in a private vehicle.  some argue that the right to bear arms extends even to those who have demonstrated their danger to others, such as the mentally ill or known spouse abusers.  "they're coming for your guns" is one of the threatening campaign slogans used to demonize politicians who support sensible gun legislation, and some candidates for office who support commonsense gun regulations go out of their way to emphasize their support for the second amendment.

it is time for the american people to find a balance between public safety and the right to own guns.  may we adopt laws that protect all of us and return to the principles which prevented those who shouldn't own guns to be denied that right.  may we recognize that owning certain types of weapons makes no sense.  may we enable all of us to feel safe when we go into public places by insisting that those who own guns keep them where they should be kept.  may we show compassion for one another rather than menacing others by openly carrying weapons that are intended to kill and maim.  shalom. 

Each Person to Embrace

recently the church for which i play a couple of sundays each month published its monthly newletter.  in it were two things that i found troubling, and i am examining my mind's reaction to those things.  one was an article written by another musician who contributes his talents to the worship services.  he is a long-time member of the church and a respected professional musician.  in his article, he advocated for the church to buy a building on the downtown square to use as its home.  at present the church is renting space from another congregation in town to use for its office, meeting, and worship spaces, having sold their former building to the county in which we reside.

the writer of the article encouraged the members of the church to think of new ways of "doing church," suggesting that they simplify their worship service to make it more accessible to those who are unaccustomed to attending church services, host "suds and songs" meetings in which beer is served and devotional songs are sung, and emphasize the welcoming nature of the church in contrast to some other congregations that are quick to condemn those who don't adhere to conservative social mores.  

my immediate reaction was negative, though i think he's right to make the non-judgmental character of the church's membership a central aspect of the church's mission to the community.  as i told the church's secretary, who had asked my opinion of his article, i am an advocate of preserving the traditional worship practices of the church and am uncomfortable worshiping in a building that doesn't conform to my idea of how a church should look (think new england steeples and gothic-style windows).  this says more about my own ways of thinking than about what is the best way for this congregation to.  if we believe that a church is the people who are a part of it rather than a building, then the architecture of the building in which the church meets shouldn't be all that important, as long as it meets the needs of the people.  this is the point the writer of the article was trying to make, as he acknowledged that many would be uncomfortable with his suggestions, as i was.

the other troubling item in the newsletter was one sentence in the minutes of the session, which is the ruling body of the church.  this sentence stated that a discussion of the organ volume had occurred.  i instantly knew that such a discussion had probably taken place because someone had complained that the organ was too loud.  when i read that, i bristled.  this is a frequent comment that organists hear.  when we respond to it by softening the sound of the organ, we then hear people telling us that we need to "open the organ up" so people can hear the full majesty of the instrument.  this places the player in a no-win situation, because some want to hear syrupy, soft organ music, while others want to hear organ played in such a way that it is obvious why it has been called the "king of instruments."  we can't please everyone all of the time.

as i reflected on my reaction to this short sentence from the session minutes, i sought to analyze my reaction.  initially, i was defensive and wanted to lash out.  then i thought, why not just pull back the volume a bit next sunday and see what reaction i get.  will the congregation feel well supported as they sing together?  will people even notice the difference?  can i find a happy medium where those who want the organ to be played more softly are satisfied, while those who want to hear the majestic sounds of which it is capable hear some of what they want?  my anger at the implied criticism does no one any good.  i will be better off and the congregation will be better served if i don't take this one sentence personally and consider that my purpose is to serve and support worship, not control it.

i realized that the reaction that both parts of the newsletter had elicited from me was anger.  i was angry that someone would suggest that churches should abandon their traditions of worship and architecture in order to appeal to more people.  i was angry that criticism had been leveled at the way i was playing the service.  when i confronted my emotions, i realized that they weren't beneficial to me or anyone else.  the writer who had suggested considering alternative ways to worship and to use a building wasn't saying that his thoughts were right; he was merely throwing out ideas to think about.  whoever complained about the organ volume is entitled to their opinion and ought to be able to worship without feeling uncomfortable about the sound of the organ.  my job is to make everyone who gathers for worship be able to hear music that meets their needs, if at all possible.

may we never think that our way is the only right way.  may we try to see life from others' points of view.    may we not allow our emotions to rule us.  may we not take every criticism or comment personally.  may we try to meet others where they are rather than trying to force them to conform to our way of thinking.  may we be agents of peace, not forces promoting dissension.  shalom.

When Disappointment, Grief, and Fear Are Gone

i continue to struggle with my mind.  progress is being made, i think, but i'm still far from perfect.  i am able to step back and see my mind working, worrying, fighting for control.  for instance, i learned yesterday that the airline schedule for our upcoming trip to canada had been changed by the airline.  a flight from toronto to vancouver had been canceled, and the airline had booked us onto another flight.  the change resulted in a seven-hour layover in toronto with an arrival time in vancouver just after midnight on the next day.  this change was inconvenient, costly, and disastrous to our ongoing travel arrangements.  we had purchased this particular itinerary in order to meet the couple who would be traveling with us in time to drive to our first destination the afternoon of our arrival.  the airline's change made it impossible for us to get to our first destination in time and would necessitate an extra overnight stay in vancouver, where hotels prices are exorbitant, as well as causing our friends to have a 12-hour wait in the vancouver airport.

i went to bed last night, determined to put this irritant out of my mind until i could deal with it today.  my mind wouldn't quit rehashing all the problems that the airline's flight cancellation caused and how to best deal with them.  i labeled what my mind was doing and tried to step back and observe what was going on in my head.  ultimately, i was successful, and sleep came.  in the middle of the night, i awakened, and my mind got busy worrying once more.  again, i watched it, labeled my worrying thoughts, and sleep came again.

i wish that i had been successful in my initial desire to postpone resolving this problem.  my mind had other ideas, though, and sought to control me with worries that were unnecessary.  today, i feel much better, knowing that i saw what my mind was doing and dealt with it, just as i will work towards a solution to my travel dilemma later this morning.  as i sit here, i am reflecting back on the previous days, weeks, and months.  i can't remember another instance in the past couple of years when worries had kept me awake.  knowing this demonstrates that something profound has happened in the way my true self has stepped away from the stories my mind uses in its attempts to convince me that what i think is really who i am.  i can see more clearly that my mind is a tool that i can use but it is not "me."

may we allow our true selves to rule our minds, not the other way around.  may we see that the vagaries of life can either be resolved or else accepted when solutions can't be found.  may we realize that worrying is a tactic our minds use to control us.  may we find the inner peace that only comes with ceasing to identify with our minds.  shalom.

Cools the Heat and Slows the Pace

last week i wrote about accepting what is and dealing with it, taking things one step at a time rather than focusing on what comes next.  i've worked on that this week and caught my mind trying to take over and rush into the future.  on a number of occasions, i've been able to stop my anticipation of where i'm headed and return to the present moment.  this is work that makes life more enjoyable and helps me to slow down.

one area of my life i'm trying to slow down is my habit of eating as quickly as i can.  as a teenager, i struggled with the inability to put on weight and keep it on.  my parents worried about how thin i was and my persistent problems with anemia.  our family pediatrician advised me to drink as much whole milk as i could and to eat quickly so i could consume more food.  i followed his advice and was able to put on a few pounds and keep them on.  when i became a teacher, i had to eat quickly so that i could return to my duties.  most teachers of young children will tell you that downing lunch in a matter of minutes is a necessity.  part of a teacher's allotted lunch time is taken up with moving a class to the cafeteria, gulping down your own meal, and getting to some supervisory duty on time.

this habit of years of consuming as much food as possible in a short amount of time has caused some health problems for me.  in middle age, i gained a good deal of weight, and in my senior years i've developed some digestive problems.  both these issues can be attributed to my practice of eating quickly.  now i'm trying to slow down and appreciate the food i'm consuming.  i'm reminding myself to take smaller bites, to chew my food thoroughly, and to treat mealtime as an opportunity to visit with my wife and friends, rather than as a chore to be completed in the least amount of time possible.  it's going to be hard to change a practice that has been part of my life for almost sixty years, but i'm going to try to eat more mindfully.  already, i can see some results of my efforts, and that makes me confident that i can control my eating patterns and make this part of my life more enjoyable and healthy.

as i sit here and write, i am trying to focus only on what i'm doing.  i know that another task that is part of my morning routine will follow, but i'm not going to rush through my writing in order to get to the next part of my day.  right now, my mind is telling me that i need to hurry up, but that's not what this little essay needs.  instead, what i'm doing now is what is important, and i will work at concentrating on what comes next when the time comes.  i ask myself if i've said all i intended to say, if i've come to a better understanding of how to  live in the present moment.  i think i have.  i'll continue to work on eating mindfully and on living each minute of my life as fully as i can.

may we learn to let go of regret about the past and anxiety about the future.  may we realize that everything we need is right now in the gift of each breath we've been given.  may we never stop working on gaining control of our minds.  may we be good observers of the lies our minds tell us.  may we learn that real peace comes from within as we allow our true selves to find expression.  shalom.

All the Things That Really Matter

we all have those weeks when everything moves non-stop.  we rush from one thing to another, and things just don't seem to go the way we want them to.  this past week has been one of those weeks for me.  problems that should have been easy to solve evolved into complicated rigamaroles.  despite my best intentions, i found myself running in many different directions and becoming increasingly frustrated.  as i look back on the week, i see that much was accomplished.  difficulties that weren't resolved are headed in the right direction.  the coming week should move at a much slower pace because i don't have as many responsibilities to shoulder.

as i reflect back on the past week, i see that i let my busy mind have too much control.  i didn't step away from the demands that it made on me.  i was living too much in the future and not enough in the present.  old patterns are hard to stop.  our minds tell us that, in order to accomplish much, we must rush through each day with the expectation that everything will be perfect.  when the perfection that we demanded of life is absent, we are frustrated, and life becomes a series of small complications that add up to large stresses.  much of this is our own doing.  instead of accepting what is and doing our best with it, we demand what should be and are frustrated when that is not what is. 

even now, as i write, i am thinking about the future.  i know that there are others things that i want to do, so i rush through the present in order to get to the future.  when that future becomes the present, i will most likely be looking toward what comes next.  i stop and watch as my mind tries to slow itself down.  i pause and let go of plans and what comes next.  my fingers slow down as i type the letters that form the words.  right now is what is important.  the future will arrive and become the present whether i think about it or not.  i stop and take a sip of coffee, relishing its warmth and richness.  i enjoy it without gulping it down so that i can complete this task and move onto the next.

may life be a series of moments to be treasured.  may we not allow the rush of life to interfere with what is right now.  may we not ruin the present by dwelling on what comes next.  may we learn the art of acceptance and let go of the need to control.  may our minds be at peace and our hearts filled with lovingkindness.  shalom.