often when i meditate, things that i regret pop up in my mind. the memories of past mistakes and of hurts i have caused others appear, and i find myself wanting to go back and undo the past. the last time this happened, i countered these unhappy thoughts by reminding myself of the good that i have done. later as i reflected on this, i wondered why it is that when we are in the middle of meditation or in the night when we are trying to go to sleep, it is the bad that we recall. why are our minds like this? or is it just my mind?
i think our evolutionary past has trained us to be wary creatures, always on guard against danger that may lurk in the dark or around the next corner, fearful of the attack of some wild animal that may make us its next meal. by nature, we are worriers. perhaps this accounts for the penchant for recalling bad things rather than good. we fear the consequences of our wrongs long after they have occurred and worry that something we have done has had a lasting effect on another. we have to make ourselves recall the good that we have done. its memory to doesn't come to us naturally.
even when we begin with the intention of recalling a good memory, it often leads us to bad events that are associated with it. for instance, if i begin to think of my mother who died many years ago and to remember the wonderful person that she was, soon i'll be thinking of the one event in my life when i felt betrayed by her or of her suffering during her last days as she struggled with pancreatic cancer. in order to move from those bad memories, i have to make myself remember the many happy events and kindnesses that she brought to my life. i suppose that we have to accept our past as a whole, a fabric of good and bad. all of it had a part in making us the person we are now.
thank goodness there are good recollections that counter the bad ones. when we spend time thinking about how our minds work, the good is by far in the preponderance. but it is the present that is far more important. we can't undo the past nor should we let regret for past mistakes immobilize us. life is a process of moving forward, of freeing ourselves to live as fully as possible in this present moment. if we want to free ourselves of the past, we learn from our mistakes so that we try not to make them again but we don't waste time wishing we could undo what we did.
may we recall the good along with the bad. may we learn and grow. may the present bring us joy, not recriminations for past misdeeds. shalom.
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
If I Didn't Care
i've been reading some of the dalai lama's teachings about anger. as i read, i thought of a close relative who is filled with anger. as a child, she and her siblings were abused by their father. all of the children were subjected to severe beatings, and they could never tell what might set their father off. their mother was a kind person but too weak to intervene on their behalf. this relative still seethes with anger at the treatment she and her sisters received and lives much of her life in that painful past. she blames her mother for not protecting her and for staying with a man who was so abusive. she blames her younger siblings because she feels as the oldest child she was treated the worse than they. all four sisters bear the mental scars of their childhood, but the others seem to have come to terms with their suffering, while this one sister can't let go of the anger she feels.
as i read what the dalai lama had to say about the harm frequent fits of anger do to us, i thought of my relative. how miserable her life is! like her father, one never knows what may set off an angry outburst. her only daughter keeps her distance, and, as a teenager, she left her mother to go live with her father. though they have a better relationship now that the daughter has made a life for herself and has grown children of her own, there is a wariness between them. this wounded spirit is with her second husband, and when she talks much of the conversation is about how terrible her husband is. there is a litany of how inconsiderate, how clumsy, how stupid, how stingy, how uncaring he is, and one is always on pins and needles around them because visitors are often witness to bitter arguments and acrimony between them.
there was a time when i believed that giving vent to one's anger and expressing it with little control was healthy. while i was never an "angry" person like my relative, i sometimes allowed myself the luxury of mean outbursts directed at others, thinking that was healthier than silently quashing my anger. over time, i've learned that there are ways of confronting one's anger that are much better for me. as i've disciplined myself to recognize my anger and deal with it without lashing out at others, i've found that i seldom become angry. it's been several months since i've been angry about anything, and i must say that living a life that is almost anger-free feels much better than allowing myself to express anger in hurtful ways.
may each of us learn to deal with our anger in ways that are healthy for ourselves and others. may we not allow anger to fester and spoil our lives. may we counter anger with compassion and lovingkindness. may we look at the objects of our anger from a new perspective and imagine living life in another's shoes. may we care for one another. shalom.
as i read what the dalai lama had to say about the harm frequent fits of anger do to us, i thought of my relative. how miserable her life is! like her father, one never knows what may set off an angry outburst. her only daughter keeps her distance, and, as a teenager, she left her mother to go live with her father. though they have a better relationship now that the daughter has made a life for herself and has grown children of her own, there is a wariness between them. this wounded spirit is with her second husband, and when she talks much of the conversation is about how terrible her husband is. there is a litany of how inconsiderate, how clumsy, how stupid, how stingy, how uncaring he is, and one is always on pins and needles around them because visitors are often witness to bitter arguments and acrimony between them.
there was a time when i believed that giving vent to one's anger and expressing it with little control was healthy. while i was never an "angry" person like my relative, i sometimes allowed myself the luxury of mean outbursts directed at others, thinking that was healthier than silently quashing my anger. over time, i've learned that there are ways of confronting one's anger that are much better for me. as i've disciplined myself to recognize my anger and deal with it without lashing out at others, i've found that i seldom become angry. it's been several months since i've been angry about anything, and i must say that living a life that is almost anger-free feels much better than allowing myself to express anger in hurtful ways.
may each of us learn to deal with our anger in ways that are healthy for ourselves and others. may we not allow anger to fester and spoil our lives. may we counter anger with compassion and lovingkindness. may we look at the objects of our anger from a new perspective and imagine living life in another's shoes. may we care for one another. shalom.
Tuesday, February 26, 2019
Imagine All the People Living for Today
"what if" . . . these can be deadly words that cause us to live in fear. what if i lose my job, what if my partner abandons me, what if my house catches fire, what if, what if, what if. when we dwell on what might happen if catastrophe occurs, we live in dread of the future and can be paralyzed in the present. an insurance company in town has an electronic sign that constantly displays the message "life is uncertain, plan for it." we can't plan for the uncertainty of life. sure, we can insure ourselves up to a point so financial ruin doesn't result from a catastrophe that harms or destroys our home or a car wreck that results in loss or injury. but life is a chance. we don't know what tomorrow or even the next moment may bring. we have no guarantees, so all we can do is our best each moment as that moment comes to us.
some other deadly words are "if only." if only i could lose twenty pounds, i would be more attractive. if only i could finish this task, i could enjoy life. if only my spouse didn't make so many demands of me, i could do what i want to do. an "if only" life isn't much of a life. what we're doing during those if-only moments is life. when we feel that our lives are interrupted by such moments, we need to abandon the if-only task or find a way to accept the if-only times as essential parts of our lives. our happiness doesn't have to be delayed by if-onlies. instead, we need to enjoy the present moment, even when it's not what we wished for, and forget what the future that is delayed by our present situation might be "if only . . ."
our minds are tricky things. we imagine a perfect future and are disappointed when the present interferes. when the future arrives, it's usually not what we anticipated. or we imagine the future with dread, wondering about the what-ifs that might occur. when we do this, we can't enjoy the present. i have an acquaintance who lives in dread of tornadoes, which are not infrequent in this part of the country. every time there is a chance of rain, she has to go stay with someone who has a basement in case the possible rainstorms might bring a tornado her way. she can never be amazed by the patter of rain, the majesty of lightning, or the rumble of thunder because she is thinking "what if this storm spawns a tornado and that tornado comes at me." we all have such fears, but some of us have never learned to stop those fears from spoiling our enjoyment of what's happening in the present.
may we let go of what-if and if-only and live our lives rejoicing in what the present brings. may we not let fear and dread spoil our happiness. may we live with gratitude for what we have and live skillfully with impermanence. shalom.
some other deadly words are "if only." if only i could lose twenty pounds, i would be more attractive. if only i could finish this task, i could enjoy life. if only my spouse didn't make so many demands of me, i could do what i want to do. an "if only" life isn't much of a life. what we're doing during those if-only moments is life. when we feel that our lives are interrupted by such moments, we need to abandon the if-only task or find a way to accept the if-only times as essential parts of our lives. our happiness doesn't have to be delayed by if-onlies. instead, we need to enjoy the present moment, even when it's not what we wished for, and forget what the future that is delayed by our present situation might be "if only . . ."
our minds are tricky things. we imagine a perfect future and are disappointed when the present interferes. when the future arrives, it's usually not what we anticipated. or we imagine the future with dread, wondering about the what-ifs that might occur. when we do this, we can't enjoy the present. i have an acquaintance who lives in dread of tornadoes, which are not infrequent in this part of the country. every time there is a chance of rain, she has to go stay with someone who has a basement in case the possible rainstorms might bring a tornado her way. she can never be amazed by the patter of rain, the majesty of lightning, or the rumble of thunder because she is thinking "what if this storm spawns a tornado and that tornado comes at me." we all have such fears, but some of us have never learned to stop those fears from spoiling our enjoyment of what's happening in the present.
may we let go of what-if and if-only and live our lives rejoicing in what the present brings. may we not let fear and dread spoil our happiness. may we live with gratitude for what we have and live skillfully with impermanence. shalom.
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
"Others," Let This My Motto Be
last sunday in the church service, we watched a short film explaining a special offering that is taken up each year for the needs of the world. in the lead-up to the film, a member of the congregation mentioned the millions of refugees throughout the world and compared their lives to the lives we lead here in our small community where most of us have comfortable homes, nutritious food, and are protected by the rule of law while being surrounded by the beauty of nature. he urged us, who have so much, to think of the plight of those who have so little.
as he spoke and as i watched the film, i thought about how his words squared up with the hatred we hear being spewed from the white house and from many members of congress and with the cruel chants of "build the wall" we hear at trump rallies. here in the community the speaker described, the vast majority of people voted for donald trump. yet, as i visit with them, i don't sense the bigotry and hatred that they voted for. we forget sometimes that our votes have consequences that we never intended, and, once having voted for a candidate with whom we come to disagree, it's hard to admit that we voted for the wrong person. at times, we vote against a candidate rather than in favor of the person for whom we voted. that tactic, too, often yields unintended consequences.
whatever the motives people had for electing mr. trump, he is the face of our country that the rest of the world sees. i wonder if he ever thinks of the incredible courage and sacrifice those coming to our southern border seeking asylum had to have. to leave one's home, the country of one's birth, and the comfort of everything familiar to trek hundreds of miles to escape the violence there and to seek a better life for oneself and one's family shows a degree of desperation that most of us never experience. i wonder if he thinks of those who fled the violence of isis and the syrian civil war and their desperate struggle to reach safety as they headed toward shelter in europe. the contrast between the compassion of many european countries and their people and the bigotry of our own government and its supporters is stark and embarrassing.
we need open arms, not walls. jesus taught us to love, not hate, and to pray for our enemies. there is no equivocation in his words. he inserted no qualification that we put ourselves first and in fact, told us that whoever would be great must become a servant. if we follow jesus, we don't put america first, we don't accuse those who come to us in want of being murderers and rapists, we don't refuse to help those who desperately need what we can provide.
may we have empathy for those who are not as fortunate as ourselves. may we try to put ourselves in their shoes and imagine their great sacrifice and struggle in coming to our borders. may we not blame them for being in need of our help, but welcome them with the realization that we who have so much are called to share what we have with those who have little. may our hearts be filled with compassion, not fear and hatred. shalom.
as he spoke and as i watched the film, i thought about how his words squared up with the hatred we hear being spewed from the white house and from many members of congress and with the cruel chants of "build the wall" we hear at trump rallies. here in the community the speaker described, the vast majority of people voted for donald trump. yet, as i visit with them, i don't sense the bigotry and hatred that they voted for. we forget sometimes that our votes have consequences that we never intended, and, once having voted for a candidate with whom we come to disagree, it's hard to admit that we voted for the wrong person. at times, we vote against a candidate rather than in favor of the person for whom we voted. that tactic, too, often yields unintended consequences.
whatever the motives people had for electing mr. trump, he is the face of our country that the rest of the world sees. i wonder if he ever thinks of the incredible courage and sacrifice those coming to our southern border seeking asylum had to have. to leave one's home, the country of one's birth, and the comfort of everything familiar to trek hundreds of miles to escape the violence there and to seek a better life for oneself and one's family shows a degree of desperation that most of us never experience. i wonder if he thinks of those who fled the violence of isis and the syrian civil war and their desperate struggle to reach safety as they headed toward shelter in europe. the contrast between the compassion of many european countries and their people and the bigotry of our own government and its supporters is stark and embarrassing.
we need open arms, not walls. jesus taught us to love, not hate, and to pray for our enemies. there is no equivocation in his words. he inserted no qualification that we put ourselves first and in fact, told us that whoever would be great must become a servant. if we follow jesus, we don't put america first, we don't accuse those who come to us in want of being murderers and rapists, we don't refuse to help those who desperately need what we can provide.
may we have empathy for those who are not as fortunate as ourselves. may we try to put ourselves in their shoes and imagine their great sacrifice and struggle in coming to our borders. may we not blame them for being in need of our help, but welcome them with the realization that we who have so much are called to share what we have with those who have little. may our hearts be filled with compassion, not fear and hatred. shalom.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
When Liberty's Form Stands in View
my wife and i watched mr. trump's state of the union address to congress with interest. we hoped that we would hear words that sought to unify the country and conciliatory words for his political opponents, and we did hear some of those. on the whole, though, we heard a message that vilified those who were coming to our borders suffering and that used half-truths and outright lies to try and frighten the american people. we heard a man who bragged about the so-called accomplishments of his administration, exaggerating economic figures, refusing to give credit to the past administration for the recovery that was well under way before trump took office. there certainly was no mention of the scandals that have plagued his presidency, of the wrongdoing that has forced several of his cabinet appointees to resign, of the resignations of competent members of the executive branch that were prompted by his arrogance in matters of foreign policy.
he did address the investigations that swirl around him with a sophomoric rhyme that sought to tie war, peace, and successful legislative progress to the ending of those investigations. it seemed that we were seeing a man who sees the walls closing in around him, one who knows that, despite his bluster, the skirting of the law by him and his associates is about to catch up with him. the image of nixon in the final months of his presidency pop into one's mind, the primary difference between trump's regime and nixon's is the so-far unwavering support of the majority of republicans in congress. it will be interesting to see if that support continues as the evidence against trump and his cronies accumulates. the desire of republicans to cling to power by supporting someone as corrupt and inept as trump is frightening.
as i listened to his speech, i tried to summon some compassion for the man, and i continue in that effort. how sad it must be to be the captive of a heart filled with so much hate, to have so little respect for those who disagree with your position, to see the world as being filled with those who are either friends of this country or its enemies with none in between. what is there to redeem a man who puts his own personal wealth ahead of the well-being of the country he was elected to lead and who bases his decisions on his own ill-informed instincts? one wonders if there will be a day of reckoning for mr. trump that will bring the change of heart that we have seen in his former lawyer, mr. cohen, and if we will see others who served trump blindly turn against him as they come to realize the harm their loyalty to him has done to their own lives and to the country.
may we soon see an end to the charade of the trump presidency and to the policies of that presidency. may we be a country that honors the rule of law and that engages in civil discourse with those with whom we disagree. may we have compassion for those who reach our borders hungering for safety and freedom. may we once again look to the statue of liberty in new york harbor as our emblem, not to a giant fence on our southern boundary. may compassion, lovingkindness, and respect for others rule the day again. shalom.
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
Show Us What We Yet May Do
we've been on a long trip, so i was unable to post to my blog. we've been back at home for almost a week and have rested up from our trip.
a few days after returning from our trip, my wife and i went with another couple to a nearby town that we had not visited before just to look around and to eat at a restaurant that has gotten rave reviews. as we stopped at various points in the town, all of us were curious about what we would find as we stepped from the car, except for the husband of the other couple. each time he remained in the car fiddling with his cell phone as the rest of us explored. we had a great meal at the restaurant which all four of us enjoyed and each of us seemed to find the drive over and back worthwhile, as we gazed at the beautiful rolling hills outside our car windows.
when my wife and i returned to our own home, we were both struck by our male traveling companion's lack of curiosity. while we were excited to leave the car and explore, he had no interest in what was beyond what could be seen from his seat. the only time he left the car was to go into the restaurant to eat. otherwise, he was pleasant company and had no objection to any of the stops we made, never complaining about how long he was left sitting alone. i am puzzled that he is content to view the world from a distance. if his solitary exploration of what he finds on his phone makes him happy, who am i to criticize? yet, there seems to be something lacking when one finds little pleasure in sharing discoveries with others with whom we are in company.
i follow a good many blogs written by solo travelers, extolling the joys of exploring alone, and i sometimes try to imagine what it would be like to see new sights as a lone traveler. it seems less pleasurable than having my favorite companion, my wife, with me and being able to share what we find together. when we return from a trip, we love talking about what we found and our reactions to the experiences we had with one another. i can't believe that i would have as much fun alone as i would with a congenial companion.
while i find times of solitude like the one i'm experiencing now as i sit and write necessary to my well-being, i'm equally dependent on spending time with others to round out my life. what is life if one cannot share it with others, especially those we love? i don't want to be with other people all the time. in fact, i become quite stressed if i can't get enough time alone, but the opportunity to share life's experiences with others is as essential as my time to myself. i'm curious about the world around me and the people who are a part of it. traveling and seeing how other people live helps me to understand that, while our languages, cultures, ethnicities, and religions may be different, we are all very much alike. being able to explore with a companion with whom i can share my reactions and discoveries makes the trip all the more worthwhile.
may we each find balance in our lives, taking time to be with the person we know best: ourselves. may we find amiable companions to share our lives with. may we understand our kinship to each other and relish those relationships. may we be curious and eager to explore what we don't know or understand. may we be filled with lovingkindness and respect for each person we encounter. shalom.
a few days after returning from our trip, my wife and i went with another couple to a nearby town that we had not visited before just to look around and to eat at a restaurant that has gotten rave reviews. as we stopped at various points in the town, all of us were curious about what we would find as we stepped from the car, except for the husband of the other couple. each time he remained in the car fiddling with his cell phone as the rest of us explored. we had a great meal at the restaurant which all four of us enjoyed and each of us seemed to find the drive over and back worthwhile, as we gazed at the beautiful rolling hills outside our car windows.
when my wife and i returned to our own home, we were both struck by our male traveling companion's lack of curiosity. while we were excited to leave the car and explore, he had no interest in what was beyond what could be seen from his seat. the only time he left the car was to go into the restaurant to eat. otherwise, he was pleasant company and had no objection to any of the stops we made, never complaining about how long he was left sitting alone. i am puzzled that he is content to view the world from a distance. if his solitary exploration of what he finds on his phone makes him happy, who am i to criticize? yet, there seems to be something lacking when one finds little pleasure in sharing discoveries with others with whom we are in company.
i follow a good many blogs written by solo travelers, extolling the joys of exploring alone, and i sometimes try to imagine what it would be like to see new sights as a lone traveler. it seems less pleasurable than having my favorite companion, my wife, with me and being able to share what we find together. when we return from a trip, we love talking about what we found and our reactions to the experiences we had with one another. i can't believe that i would have as much fun alone as i would with a congenial companion.
while i find times of solitude like the one i'm experiencing now as i sit and write necessary to my well-being, i'm equally dependent on spending time with others to round out my life. what is life if one cannot share it with others, especially those we love? i don't want to be with other people all the time. in fact, i become quite stressed if i can't get enough time alone, but the opportunity to share life's experiences with others is as essential as my time to myself. i'm curious about the world around me and the people who are a part of it. traveling and seeing how other people live helps me to understand that, while our languages, cultures, ethnicities, and religions may be different, we are all very much alike. being able to explore with a companion with whom i can share my reactions and discoveries makes the trip all the more worthwhile.
may we each find balance in our lives, taking time to be with the person we know best: ourselves. may we find amiable companions to share our lives with. may we understand our kinship to each other and relish those relationships. may we be curious and eager to explore what we don't know or understand. may we be filled with lovingkindness and respect for each person we encounter. shalom.
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
When Sorrows Like Sea Billows Roll
for the past several days, my wife and i have both had upper respiratory problems. we are coughing, sniffling, and are achy and lethargic. most likely, the cause is allergies, but the persistence of our symptoms has been aggravating. it has been a long time since i have had such problems, but my wife has had the same sort of illness several times since we've moved here. those who have lived here for many years tells us that what we're experiencing isn't unusual and that these allergies will go away after we've adjusted to the climate and vegetation here. i hope they're right!
our difficulties in recovering and returning to our usual good health has gotten me to thinking about the process of aging. aches and pains are our normal sensations now. we're not able to work as hard or for as long as we used to. it's harder for us to bounce back when we are sick. on the one hand, i don't want to give in to being an older person. my inclination is to deny my age and all that goes along with me and to pretend that i'm "only as young as i feel" so i must act as if i feel young. on the other hand, it's not healthy to resist this natural process of growing old. there are more years behind me than there are ahead, and it is wrong to refuse to accept my aging.
i've earned the wrinkles in my brow and the gray hairs on my head. i worked hard when i was younger so that i wouldn't have to work hard in my retirement years. i look back over a life filled with wonderful adventures, and, even in my advanced years, i still am healthy enough to have more of them. despite this latest setback, i probably have many more years left, but i have to accept the fact that the end of life is inevitable. it may come sooner than i would wish for. one of my responsibilities now is to be prepared for the inevitable whenever it comes and to come to terms with the certainty that death comes to us all. i can choose whether i continue blindly through life, ignoring that certainty and living as if i will go on forever, or i can face what is certain to come and be prepared for it. i can live with gratitude for all that i have enjoyed in this life and for each new day that comes to me or i can pretend that, unlike others, i will never experience the suffering of aging and dying.
it's far better to face the suffering that old age brings and to meditate on that suffering than it is to act as if it doesn't exist. on the whole, my life has been a wonderful one, and, if the grim reaper comes knocking at my door today or tomorrow, i leave a legacy of good memories behind in the minds and hearts of those dearest to me. i've known far less suffering than many and can count myself fortunate to have lived where i've lived in the midst of a loving family and with the resources i need for a pleasant life. while there are some regrets--things i could have handled better, lessons i wish i had learned earlier in life--there are far more joys in my memory. yes, i am very grateful to have been given this life, and i hope that rebirth is a possibility. i would be happy to have another chance to make a better life in another body. i'll have to see what's on the other side of the curtain when the time comes.
may each of find our hearts filled with gratitude. may we face our sufferings rather than pretending that they're not there. may we see that suffering is the common lot of us all and that it's far better to come to terms with suffering than to try to deaden ourselves to suffering in one way or another. may we count our blessings, along with our hurts. may we find peace in our hearts and minds. shalom.
our difficulties in recovering and returning to our usual good health has gotten me to thinking about the process of aging. aches and pains are our normal sensations now. we're not able to work as hard or for as long as we used to. it's harder for us to bounce back when we are sick. on the one hand, i don't want to give in to being an older person. my inclination is to deny my age and all that goes along with me and to pretend that i'm "only as young as i feel" so i must act as if i feel young. on the other hand, it's not healthy to resist this natural process of growing old. there are more years behind me than there are ahead, and it is wrong to refuse to accept my aging.
i've earned the wrinkles in my brow and the gray hairs on my head. i worked hard when i was younger so that i wouldn't have to work hard in my retirement years. i look back over a life filled with wonderful adventures, and, even in my advanced years, i still am healthy enough to have more of them. despite this latest setback, i probably have many more years left, but i have to accept the fact that the end of life is inevitable. it may come sooner than i would wish for. one of my responsibilities now is to be prepared for the inevitable whenever it comes and to come to terms with the certainty that death comes to us all. i can choose whether i continue blindly through life, ignoring that certainty and living as if i will go on forever, or i can face what is certain to come and be prepared for it. i can live with gratitude for all that i have enjoyed in this life and for each new day that comes to me or i can pretend that, unlike others, i will never experience the suffering of aging and dying.
it's far better to face the suffering that old age brings and to meditate on that suffering than it is to act as if it doesn't exist. on the whole, my life has been a wonderful one, and, if the grim reaper comes knocking at my door today or tomorrow, i leave a legacy of good memories behind in the minds and hearts of those dearest to me. i've known far less suffering than many and can count myself fortunate to have lived where i've lived in the midst of a loving family and with the resources i need for a pleasant life. while there are some regrets--things i could have handled better, lessons i wish i had learned earlier in life--there are far more joys in my memory. yes, i am very grateful to have been given this life, and i hope that rebirth is a possibility. i would be happy to have another chance to make a better life in another body. i'll have to see what's on the other side of the curtain when the time comes.
may each of find our hearts filled with gratitude. may we face our sufferings rather than pretending that they're not there. may we see that suffering is the common lot of us all and that it's far better to come to terms with suffering than to try to deaden ourselves to suffering in one way or another. may we count our blessings, along with our hurts. may we find peace in our hearts and minds. shalom.
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